Work Stuff

First. Everybody stop loud talking. Use your inside voices. We are all in offices and I can still hear you planning your life outside of work all day over my iPod headphones. It has gotten to the point where it takes Ozzy at 85% to drown you out with the stock iPod headphones. Yeah, my bad for not ponying up for the Bose Noise Canceling headphones so that I can listen to M.Ward while you talk to your kids. I'm this close to closing my office door. This close. |------------------------|

Second. People that adjust their schedules to ease their commute are annoying me for some reason. First of all, it makes me have to come into work at seven because you have been here since four. Basically, you wake up for work when normal people are getting kicked out of bars and leave work when normal people go to lunch. The trickle down effect lands in my lap as I get off at four and have to shop with the blue hairs. I will die alone because even my last chance of grabbing an orange at the same time as some perfect representative of the female species that enjoys oranges has been ruled out because I am shopping with old people who can't park. Are these my peers? Would this be my jury? Do I need to fight aisle wrapping pharmacy lines to get to the bread aisle? Did you seriously just take a half day at 8:00 AM? This can't be real. I am done with laundry and dinner and in my jammies when my friends/friend are/is getting off of work.

Third. How hard can it be to maintain a comfortable climate in an office building? I can't feel my hands. I'm going to look like Bob Cratchit by Christmas. I'll have some fingerless gloves and a sweater on while I type and look at my breath. While I see the appropriateness of holiday decorations to boost morale, I feel that people should not be used as window dressing while they work and especially if it is not entirely their doing and instead some kind of secret HR department plot.

Fourth. Try this at work. In a meeting, casually put your thumb up on the edge of the table. Then, while actively participating in the discussion, see if anyone else puts their thumb up on the table. It's just a relatively accurate coolness gauge. You do, however, run the risk of being called out on it. If you do get called out on it, excitedly pronounce that you are President and point at someone and say "And you are asshole." If someone busts out a deck of cards and a twelve pack of Miller High Life, you've just won the meeting and qualified as President for a game of Asshole. That, my friend, is called winning at being awesome.

Fifth. I skipped soccer and drinking after soccer last night to install an Oracle database on my personal laptop. I felt about ten feet tall while I talked to my neighbor about how he lost six pounds drinking Gimley's vodka and lime juice instead of beer. There may have been a diet book deal in that conversation if we had written it down. He was wasted, but power to him. He invited me out drinking on Friday, but I told him I had a soccer game and really wanted to cuddle up with my newly installed database that I can do whatever I want with. Change is afoot and it feels pretty good. I plan on winning this thing.