Re: (g)Urgent

Got a memo in my inbox this morning from HR at work. The subject line said "RE: Urgent" so I grabbed my emergency survival kit that I'm required to keep at my desk as a part of organizational policy and moved on to the e-mail. I bend the rules on this a little since one day I ate my rations to see what they tasted like and then refilled the kit with Glenfiddich scotch and a pack of Parliament recessed filter cigarettes. Both will act like currency when the grid goes down and buy me three times as many rations as the original kit held.

So, there I am clutching my survival kit and reading the attached memo. It was titled...I've got to fudge this a little bit or I could probably get in toruble. Basically, it was my organization's policy for returning to work if returning from a trip to Mexico. Here are the highlights.

"For seven consecutive days after returning home, take your temperature each morning before going to work." You are allowed to come to work if your temperature is below 100 degrees and do not have a runny nose, sore throat, nasal congestion or cough.

Umm. Sounds like allergies combined with a hangover so far.

Now, for the if you do portion. It says you should contact your doctor. That's super brilliant. Oh, and you should tell your doctor that you just got back from Mexico. Just for fun, tell him it was via Thailand and you got into some weird shit over there with ping pong balls and three trannies and a scooter.

Now, if after seven days, your temperature is good, you can stop taking your temperature.

Wait, not done yet. Say this next part in a Jeff Foxworthy voice. If you have not been to Mexico recently, but have been in contact with someone who has? You just might have swine flu.

So, all of this is all fine and dandy, but they added one stipulation to the e-mail they sent out the memo with. It said this applies to all faculty and staff except for one group. Of course, the group is the portion that is primarily hispanic. Love it. The one group that probably has the highest chance of visiting Mexico is not part of this policy.

In the meantime, all hypochondriacs driven by fear, raise a glass and let's toast to the new disease to fear while we ponder waiting in line under a makeshift tent at the nearest hospital.