GI Joe Vs. The Pr0n

Sitting at Tully's in downtown Pleasanton on Thanksgiving at Noon. Family went on a hike, but I felt like more coffee and more iPod. Some playlists just fit the moment and you need to isolate yourself and look around at your surroundings with a soundtrack. I knocked out the Benzedrine playlist this morning that felt like open heart surgery the way it just pulled out all the stitches that hold it together, but it's healthy to open wounds every once in a while so that you can apply more scar tissue on top of it.

So, today's story is another chapter in the randomness that is my life. I was doing laundry the other night and my neighbor said, "Hey, I opened my DVD player and the DVD of G.I. Joe was in the player, but I returned the movie like three weeks ago. Blockbuster never called or anything and I couldn't figure out why, but I think I know what happened..."

Here's what happened. I loan my rapy neighbor tons of movies all the time as I'm the resident pirate and also just have a shit ton of movies laying around that are of his taste. So, he had his Vegas girlfriend in town and I loaned them a stack of DVDs. Apparently, there was a porn DVD in the stack. I figured this out when I heard them watching it while I was on my porch.

Now, here is the thing about porn. You don't ever loan porn to someone. You give porn to people under the guise of loaning it to them. There are a couple of reasons. If somebody truly appreciates porn and doesn't find it shameful, they just fucking buy it for themselves. If they like it, but are a little up tight, they borrow it...and never give it back.

As part of my accepting growing up phase last year, I threw a bunch of it away, but have since also been like Johnny Pornoseed and have been doling it out to those in need. It never comes back. One dude has had New Wave Hookers 5 for like 5 years. He's gotten married since he borrowed it. It's not coming back, which is fine because there is a weird porno clown scene in it that is just frightening. So, it's a win-win. Someone gets porn and I get rid of it.

Anyway, so rapy neighbor has a porn DVD for a while. He rents G.I. Joe and some other shit and then returns the movies. Unknowingly, he put the porn inside the G.I. Joe case and returned the movie. So, some dude checking in DVDs at Blockbuster just got some porn returned and no fucking duh you didn't get a call about it. Shit like that tends to fall through the cracks and go unmentioned.

Sadly, if you've seen G.I. Joe, I think the neighbor came out on the shit end of that stick because the porn that he had had more artistic merit than G.I. Joe by far and even a more fluid storyline. Now, that's just fuckin' sad.