People Talk By Talking

Just a smattering of some of the dumb conversations from this weekend.

First one:
I was out with a friend and stepped out of the bar for a smoke. The bouncer asked me to watch the door, so I asked him what the date was and started a short sentry duty. There was a chick, her date and some random dude talking for a bit. It turned into arguing and then the chick and her date went inside. The third wheel turned to me and said "Hey dude. What's like the most superior chord in the United states?"

I thought for a second and replied "A minor seventh."

He looked back quizzically and really confused and I said "Fine. C major then. All white keys on the piano. No sharps or flats."

Still confused, he just stared at me and said "No. Most superior court!"

I just replied "Oh, the Supreme court you retard. Why?"

Then he told me he was trying to impress the girl he was talking to because she was a lawyer and he was a doctor.

I told him to lay off. She was on a date and he was in no condition to impress even if he was a doctor. He then showed me some kind of doctor card and I told him that I had totally lost interest in the conversation even if he had a doctor card.

Second one:
Lawyer chick comes back out and looks at me sitting on the stool next to the door.

"I don't like your shirt."

I replied "Okay. Sorry about that."

She then said "I don't like your glasses."

I said "All right. How about my shoes?"

She looked at my shoes for a bit and said "Your shoes are good. You have good hair, too."

I thanked her and said that I'd take two out of four.

She then asked to try on my glasses and I let her. She said "Last time I tried on someone's glasses I broke them."

I told her that it would be okay as long as I supervised the situation and she told me that I had a good prescription and I marked that down as three out of five. You take what you can get.

She went back inside after a brief introduction between us both and her date.

Third one:
After witnessing a guy with Down's syndrome get into a dance off to "It Takes Two" by Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock, my friend and I left to go wait for our cab. On the way out, I nodded goodbye to the lawyer chick and she grabbed me by the face and kissed me. I apologized to her date and walked the fuck out.

As soon as I got out the door, I turned around and there she was with her date. First impulse was to remove my glasses and get punched in the face, but instead her date started talking to my friend about cars and she started talking to me about whatever. I went along with it and she knew my mom from court and also the judge that my mom works for a lot. Then she looks at me and says "Give me your hands."

I replied, "Why?"

She just replied authoritatively "Give me your fuckin' hands."

I was like whatever and gave her my hands. She took them and rubbed them across her stomach on the way to her hips and placed them firmly there and looked at me and said "Am I fat?"

I started giggling and just said "Seriously, hon? You're not fat and now take your date home and be nice to him."

I jumped in the cab with my friend and he goes "What the fuck was that?"

I just started laughing and told him that apparently I was the go-to guy when lawyer chicks think they're fat and that people are fucking weird.