Wax On. Wax Off. (Or, There is no mercy in this dojo Mr. Lawrence)

I was getting my drinking out of the way for the week last night with a jagermesiter shooting schoolteacher. Due to a busy holiday seasonish week, I had to efficiently pack in a bunch of beers on Tuesday night. It was my first drinking session since my half a beer last Friday night. Drinking has totally lost its luster since I purchased and absolutely fell in love with an Xbox 360. Throw in a bigger TV that my sister's boyfriend gave me and it's been like Christmas at my apartment since last Saturday. There's no tree or anything, but there is cool shit to play with.

I'm like three gift cards and a case of wine short of finishing Christmas shopping. Things are going relatively well. Plus, my hair is really cooperating. That means a lot in this weather. It's really due to the Bumble & Bumble Sumowax, but I had to learn how to use it. Holy crap. I can't believe I just admitted to using that produck. It costs a fortune for very small amounts, but it lasts forever.

Oh, so the reason I was writing was because some chick that spoke no-English came into the bar while myself and the dudes were playing golf (I was whipping ass) and handed us this flyer for La Jolie Nail Spa. I studied marketing in college and I wouldn't call this a targeted campaign. Unless they are a rub & tug, it really didn't make sense to give it to a bunch of dudes. It's not really the mani pedi crowd. I am a reader, however, so I was reading it between strokes on the game and learned about hands and feet treatments. I found massage add-ons interesting and was disappointed that they didn't have "happy ending" listed. That would be funny.

Now, here is that part that I never knew about, but was curious about. It's the world of waxing. Both location and cost interested me and now I know both kinda. So, eyebrow, lip and chin are ten or fifteen bucks. Ummm. You can have your sideburns waxed for fifteen bucks, too. That creates an awful image in my head, but reminds me of my high school girlfriend. Oh, I mean fiancee. So dumb. She was hairy and had hair that looked like Darth Vader's helmet. She has two kids now. Good Job!

Hey, that's interesting. The boy in an engagement is called the fiance with one "e" and the girl is fiancee with two "e"s. I've been engaged twice and never knew that. I do, however, know that if the dude wears an engagement ring it's hecka gay.

Okay, so. I'm wondering what a "Brazilian-Take-it-all" is. It's $60 and if it's what I think it is, it is awesome. Next is half legs upper and half legs lower. Why would you only get the lower or upper done by themselves? That would be awesome. You're all getting on some chick and you put your hand on her awesome, smooth, hairless lower leg and you move your hand up and it's some atrocious hairy upper leg that feels like when you put your own hands down your pants to adjust your underwear during a work day because underwear is for work and formal events only.

Next is the underarms (armpits) for fifteen bucks. I'd recommend that. In fact, I'd pay for it on some jeans under the dress wearing hippies. There is also full arms and half arms. Again, it's perplexing to think about only getting half the arm done. Or, perhaps, even having half arms. Then, there is chest waxing for thirty five bucks. I'd imagine that is primarily for dudes because chicks with that weird hair on their areola can just pluck them. Yeah, I went there and yes, I've seen it.

Lastly, is the back wax. This is kind of a no brainer. When you hit thirty, you start to find hair in the weirdest places. When I had a girlfriend the few stray upper back, half back and shoulder hairs were sparse and manageable. She would enjoy yanking them out. As our relationship started dissolving she found enjoyment putting rubbing alcohol on all my soccer related burns. I think she liked the way I would scream and tear up when she did that. It is what it is. I think it helped sustain the relationship for a little while longer. Anyway, the main problem that sprouted up has been this weird lower back hair, my half back, if you will. I'm starting to understand spa terminology. The hair starts low and starts moving like ivy up your back. It's not a big deal yet, but you can tell that someday I'm going to have to quit doing yoga with a beard trimmer and either find a girlfriend or life partner or go get waxed. I'm scared that once I'm there I won't be able to stop and I'll just let them have it all. My whole body would look like nylons with no hair, but the idea of it is interesting.

The next hair area that I noticed after 30 was my ears. I found a random long hair sticking out of my ear. Not IN the ear, but there is a fuzz on the outside of my ear. I hate it. I can't even imagine if it was dark and coarse. I would become a recluse and if anyone saw me I would yell "Don't look at me! I'm a monster!"

You also get the long hairs coming out of your nostrils after 30. It's not a big deal, but that nose trimmer that you made fun of in the Sky Mall catalog soon becomes less funny and more necessary. I wonder if they could wax my nostrils. That would hurt and would definitely make you sneeze. Maybe it's like cat's whiskers and humans need their nose hair to find their way in the dark. So, I would get my nose hair waxed and then that night my house would get broken into and I would walk into the hallway in the dark and walk into a door knocking myself out because I didn't have any nose hair to find my way in the dark. That could definitely happen.

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