Threebird

Two nights ago I was coming off a night of no sleep and heading to bed at 8:15. It was still light out. The night before, I had gone to bed and woke up every hour on the hour with my favorite waking up being at 2:34. Numbers are fun. I was having super vivid dreams that kept waking me up and it was like a hundred degrees and didn't cool down until around 4:00 AM. I only know this because I was laying awake in bed and noticed that the temperature was more tolerable.

So, the next night, I'm exhausted and inching up to that pre-bed smoke. My neighbor knocks on my sliding glass door as I'm laying on my couch semi-lucid and points excitedly towards his apartment and is saying something that I can't hear through the glass. A couple minutes go by and he walks by with this chick towards the pool. Okay, he wanted me to see that he was with some chick. Good for him.

About a half hour later, I'm indulging that smoke I mentioned before and they are walking back from the pool laughing and holding hands. Holding hands the first time hanging out is something I'll never understand. Perhaps I should. That could have been my bad with the physical therapist. We had an invisible shield between our personal spaces that, in retrospect, may have been emanating from me.

They walk towards me and he says as he giggles, "Hey, show my buddy."

I look up and she pulls her towel back and pulls her bikini down to show me her giant fake boobs. I acknowledge and look back down politely saying "Thanks." Ten minutes later it sounds like a raping at a petting zoo in his apartment and I headed to bed.

The following day I got home from work and was purposefully avoiding going outside to avoid the play-by-play. It's always kind of gross to hear about that stuff coming from him. Avoidance never works.

Around 8:00 PM last night I decided to pick up the gitbox and practice for a little bit. It was hot as hell so I had my screen door open. My neighbor walks through my screen door into my apartment and says "Hey man, does this look okay for a job interview tomorrow?"

I reply in my head, "Yeah, if it's at Tommy Bahama," but actually say out loud to him, "Sure, but I would add a belt, tie and socks."

He then asks, "Hey, can I borrow a brown belt, brown socks, a tie and a sport coat?"

"Dude, Macy's is having a sale you should just go pick up some gear. Plus, my sport coat would require a time machine to look fashionable. It's gross and from JC Penney in like 1995." I answer back. Trying to mask my sarcasm.

He then says, "Dude. Target is always having a sale and I have a credit card there."

"Then I would do that," I say.

He leaves and I go back to my scales. I'm rusty.

Moments later he comes back in the screen door. I think I'm about to be victim of a home invasion it's so abrupt.

He sits down on th couch next to me. I haven't even stopped from playing F sharp major to F sharp minor alternately. He starts cycling through his camera of the previous night. Not only do I get a play-by-play, but I pretty much get a powerpoint presentation of it. He finally stops the slideshow at a tongue to breast picture. My brain is scarred.

Then this happens: "Dude, I was gonna come get you last night. She asked if I'd grab you because she likes to have two dudes at once. Like..." I'll paraphrase the rest. In the blue movie biz they refer to it as MFM. It's like the letter "H." He gets into some detail here that's not worth repeating. He says she is coming back from Las Vegas in a month and maybe then.

I simply reply in a monotone, "I'll keep my eye out for the evite, man. Hey, what does she do for a living? She seems like a nice girl."

He says back, "She's a masseuse."

At this point, I just start laughing and say "Is that what they call it now?"

He left and my mancave was mine again. I moved on to F sharp Dorian to F Sharp Lydian alternating. Consequently, slept like a baby except for the dream of hooking up with Dakota Fanning that woke me up. That was gross. It was an older Dakota Fanning, though, that seemed more like Tatum O'Neal in Bad News Bears. I cannot be held responsible for my dream state.