One Night In Somnia

There is an awesome thing happening. I no longer fear the need to self-medicate in times of great stress and anxiety. Huge step forward. It's a bitch to actually ride out the things that are stressing you out or driving screws into your head while you try to sleep at night, but it's the healthy way to process changes in life. Or, so I'm told. The old way was to numb up and bury things. No more. I take the arrows naked and alone now.

It's not easy. Last night I went to bed at 9:00 and laid in bed until 11:00 trying everything to put myself to sleep to no avail. Then, light shot in through my blinds from someone parking by my window and then a second later a neighbor started taking a shower and the pipes were keeping me up. Not knowing what else to do, I went and had a smoke on my patio and then popped two Tylenol PMs. Nothing. I finally fell asleep around 2:00 or 3:00. I took liberties and slept in until 7:00 and was a fucking straight up zombie in the morning. Nearly fell down in the shower, which would have fulfilled my fear of being found naked and alone in the shower with the water running after three days of my facebook status not being updated. Then, walked into my door and now am sitting here just feeling nauseous, but my cheeks aren't orange, so the liver is doing it's job with the Tylenol PMs. When I used to drink and use them, I'd turn orange. It was really weird.

The part about the whole thing that really bothers me is that I feel so weak when this happens. I'm constantly falling for the song of Sirens' and smashing my ship into the rocks and then having to build it in the bottle again, minus a bottle now. When my brain gets all scrambled, I have to stay sober and experience it now. It kinda sucks. The part that sucks the most is that it hurts. Why should it hurt? Why should I believe anyone when they say anything? A more logical approach applying to things that you can see and feel needs to be taken.

When someone looks at you and says "I love you," you need to be careful because they may be saying it to try to convince themselves that they do. I mean, fuck, if you say something enough, you can start to believe it. It's a selfish act and when said without meaning it, it just waters it down. It's not their fault. They probably just don't understand it either. It's just a fucking word. Now, this is the part where I admit that I know nothing about this stuff. In fact, I probably try to understand it too much and that's my windmill to chase. The smart man knows he knows nothing. The more he learns, the more he learns he doesn't know.

So, I understand what's happening and it'll take a day or two more to get everything processed and filed away and back to my routine, but in the meantime I feel like I'm clutching a number at the DMV and have about 200 more to go. This time was pretty good and I'm sad that it didn't work out and I totally fell for it, but sometimes shit just doesn't work out. Lucy is going to pull the ball or the joke will be dead. How much crap do you think Reese put into peanut butter before he got to chocolate? He never gave up, so why should I? Will probably withdraw for a little bit, though and go back to MeKends rather than DrinkEnds and calibrate back to zero. It's healthy. I'll get back up. I just want to lay here a little longer.