Grand Finally

So, I still have my bouts of insomnia, but managed to pull some sleep together last night with only one minor incident. I'm off the Tylenol PM (pills are bad for me) and managed to fall asleep fairly peacefully, but woke up at midnight from a horrible nightmare where all I remember is that someone was drilling through my fingertips with a cordless drill. It felt real and as I woke up from it my body was tensing like it really happened. It was a little bit weird.

Right then, when I started realizing everything was okay, my phone buzzed and it was a text that said "Can't sleep. Is it past your bedtime?"

Of course, it was. I go to bed when children and old people do most nights. I also get up with the rest of the cocks. Totally unnecessary poultry joke there. It was an ex who is married now and I texted back for a little bit and said goodnight and then all the bad (mildly bad, really) stuff started flooding in and I had to sit there and process it all so that my brain would shut the fuck up.

For the best. Better off. These are fun collections of words that manifest themselves as velvet daggers. They are meant to make you feel better, but ultimately just pull your stitches out. There is definitely an ideal situation that would be for the best and leave me better off, but it's not this one. The situation would involve having someone who cared about me in my life and in turn, having someone to care about. I had those things for a brief moment. Now, I'm getting back to my old routine and withdrawing, eating healthy, going to bed early, but I feel lonely and lost.

I'm fine. I'm better off than a lot of people are, but there has got to be something more than this for me. I'm finally not being retarded. I'm finally not being self-destructive. I'm finally caring about myself, which by the way, makes one feel incredibly vulnerable. I won't be jumping off of a moving car any time soon unless this goes away. I'm finally at a place where I could actually be good for someone and then when I got a chance at it, it got yanked away. Classic case of up for grabs, down for keeps. Never really understood that game when I was 8 and still am being left flustered and disappointed by it.

I could sit here and say that I preferred disaster and disappointment when it was my fault because it seemed almost controllable in a way, but I don't feel that way. I honestly believe that it's worth it to be "good" and that often there is nothing given in return for being "good," but it's worth it just for the piece of mind. I do, however, feel a little bit ripped off by some elements of the world at the moment. Life can feel like a big rip off at times.