A Man A Plan A Shower Grenade

Never let it be said that I didn't have a plan from the get go. Miserable failures and unlikely awesomenesses are all part of the game, but there is always a plan whether I'm aware of it or not. Usually it's the latter.

So, here's the plan. Socks with magnets in the toes so that when you are watching porn and sorting your laundry (carrot and stick), it's easier to pair them. Why hasn't this been done? Instead, sock manufacturers have devoted time to creating new shades of black ranging from army black to navy black and 36,000 different fabric textures.

It's like playing fucking Memory once you've accumulated enough work socks. You pull them outside in and then lay them out on your bed. After you've hung your pants and shirts up and put your underwear away, there it is: 36 completely different socks. You start top left of your sock grid and start comparing one to the other 35 until you find a suitable match. My ex was horrible at this game and often I'd find myself in a lower calf work sock and a lower knee work sock working in tandem with each other. It was horribly uncomfortable. Yeah, me. I do my own laundry now.

I've tried to buy one brand and it didn't work. I could never find the same socks again. They change from season to season or from store to store. I've seen my step brother safety pin matching pairs together and thought it was crazy, but he might've been on to something...if he had used magnets. This is why I'm the family genius. I haven't come up with a solid solution to this outside of magnets, though. Okay, I'm like the family shitty genius.

Next plan. Shower grenade. It started with a daily shower wash and then it evolved into this. It's the Scrubbing Bubbles Automatic Shower Cleaner For the Hopelessly Fat and Lazy Consumer crowd. It's pretty much a fucking sprinkler for your shower. So, my ex got me to buy into the daily spray and I'll admit that it has lessened the time spent shower scrubbing, but a whirling soap siren is a little much I think. I do, however, think that cleaning the shower and related bathroom receptacles should be more fun, so I propose the HughVoltage Weekly Bathroom Grenade.

Here's how it works. Once a week you pull out your bathroom grenade and pull the cleaning pin out of the device. Let's say Friday morning before work. Toss that fucker into the bathroom and go to work. At the end of the day you will return home and bask in the explosive cleanliness of your bathroom. No paper towel mess. No streaks on the mirror. Just an explosion of cleanliness. If this pans out, the HughVoltage Weekly Living Room Grenade would be next. Oh, also, do not eat the HughVoltage Weekly Bathroom Grenade like ice cream. It is not astronaut ice cream.

Fuck, maybe I just need a maid or a butler. Waiting on the butler until I start fighting crime at night. So, I'll have to stick with the maid for now.

Actually, maybe I'll just get a plant.