Just Once

Last night, I did everything right...almost. I had a salad when I got home from work and then worked for a bit while I watched House. I'm still trying to figure out why my mother is always saying that he reminds her of me. No limp. No beard. No pills, but Mom sees the world just a little different than the rest of you.

I was working the whole time until about 9:30, which is close to bed time for me and headed off to bed. I was stoked because I was getting to bed early and was going to get a gang of sleep after like a 14 hour day. SPOILER ALERT: It didn't happen.

I'll be frank. I dropped off the radar because I fell and skinned my knee, figuratively. She really made me happy, though. I took it a little hard. Not as hard as I've ever taken it, but a little hard. (Insert that's what she said or gay joke right here.) Still aches a bit, but that's how second place feels. Actually, it feels more like Al Gore must have felt. I feel like I may have actually won the election, but someone else gets to be President and I would've been a better one and Sean Penn would probably agree. See? Exactly like Al Gore.

Anyway, I was exhausted and relatively at peace and should have fallen right asleep, but nothing. Almost had it a couple of times, but my mind was just bouncing from subject to subject and thinking about it too much. It went through the girl situation a few times, how I've gotta move, how I've gotta buy a new car, get some new shoes, get a haircut, get back to the gym, eat better, why is that lump on my head not going away and why does it hurt, vacuum, clean my apartment, take out the garbage, get up and go to work in the morning....This is how it works. It's like a fucking Bing commercial.

So, I read somewhere that if you try for an hour and can't sleep, you should get out of bed and smoke. Well, it said you should get out of bed and the smoking part I kind of added, but sometimes it works. I sat down and turned the TV on and ate a handful of trail mix while I stressed about all of the sleeping opportunity I was missing out on. Then, I realized that I had "Just Once" by James Ingram from Quincy Jones' The Dude stuck in my head. Not the worst thing to get stuck in your head, but still. On top of that, I was watching the season premiere of Girls Next Door. This lasted about four minutes before I switched it to the news for a second and then tried to sleep again.

Here's the new pattern: sleep for two hours and then wake up for a half hour and then sleep for two hours, etc. I FUCK(intentional space for emphasis) ING hate it. I've tried Tylenol PM. Mom says smoke weed. Some dude said masturbate...how in the hell would that make you sleep unless you were super out of touch with yourself? Coltrane used to work. White noise used to work. The last thing to work was a stuffed hippo and someone to spoon. That was the last time in two years that I've slept in until 10:00 AM.

Could that really be it? Could I be having problems sleeping alone again? That's dangerous. That's how you get into some trouble just so that you don't have to be alone. That's what we no longer want to get into because some mistakes get made that way. Awkward mornings and beds also get made, though. The bed part is nice.

So, anyway. I thought I had this last thing locked down and thought I was pointed in the right direction, but I think I've still got some slivers from the stake that got jammed in my chest or back depending on which angle you look at it from. It's all good. I'm taking it for what it is, but it's like getting gum on your shoe. It's never fully gone no matter how hard you try and remove it. David Roth, my problems have become gum on shoes. This would never happen to DJ Reggie. (wink wink)

Next up is blatant retardation in the workplace. I went back to my normal desk this morning as I've been on a project that is killing me more than cigarettes could ever try to and wanted to get back to my stuff. I walked into the office and it was completely dark. Now, I'm down with sustainability, but that's stupid.

"Hey, I love Abraham Lincoln, but where's the light switch? I'm not working by candle light."

A girl said, "Oh, we had the lights changed yesterday and they are too bright so we're not turning them on."

I replied, "I'm turning on the goddamn lights and if the water bottle is empty and the coffee is not made, I swear to god, I'm gonna fucking lose it."

She just snapped back, "You are the fucking office diva."

What? Coffee, water, light? I'm not asking for stock options, free lunch or free It's-It's. Just the fucking basics. A Sharpie. An Avery Hi-Liter. A black Uni-Ball deluxe pen. Post-Its and a ruler. Just basic items.

So, the electrician came over and literally said this, "Oh, so you are going to need to turn them on now that it's dark?"

I replied, "Dude, they are lights. You don't need them when it's light out. It's nice that they hang there, but if they are not going to light the room, you might as well yank 'em out. It's like a flashlight with no batteries. Those are called sticks."

Seriously, dude?!?!?!? Think about it. Yes, lamps are for light. Yes, they will be needed when it is the opposite of light as they are there to compensate for the absence of light. This is basic luminal philosophy. So, there you are. Bees in the bonnet by 9:30 AM with no sleep and a jilted chip on my shoulder. Look out motherfuckers.