Letter From The Office Of Can't Win

So, after a phone call and some e-mails calling me at least four kinds of fucker, I've slept on it and have come to a conclusion. I've done nothing wrong, but I still lose...kinda.

Here's the situation that happened as far as I understand while keeping everyone anonymous. Individual A committed action 1 which irked Individual B. Individual B ran it by Individual Me and I told them to just let things work themselves out and it really shouldn't be an irkabling situation. Action 1 took place which led to Action 2 by Individual B which resulted in talking to Individual Me about it.

Two weeks go by and gnarly phone call (action 3 takes place) and I'm accused of telling someone (Individual X because I have no idea who it is) about Individual A's actions which then lead to Individual B telling me, which then lead to Individual Me being an asshole.

A1 = B
B + ME = A2
ME + A2 + X = A3
B + ME + A3 = B(Asshole)

By the way, I've gone through credit card charges and I have no idea when and where this could have possibly happened and wouldn't put some brilliant Melrose Place conspiracy out of contention, but then when I even pondered that, I lost interest in the whole thing and just felt dirty for even considering it a possibility. I think it may actually be one, though, judging by recent historical events paired with clandestine bathroom meetings and subterfuge that have taken place. It's like being in a fucking Cold War with all the spying and misdirection going on. Then again, it could have possibly been an offhanded comment in a blackout, but there was only one of those and the worst thing that happened was that I think I have a stripper's phone number in my phone.

I felt bad about it for a day and then retraced everything back to action 1. I didn't do anything besides try and be supportive to Individual B, however, go back and try to figure out that chain of events. Honestly, if I was quizzed about action 1 and action 2, I don't really even remember any details and to be able to relay that to someone else boggles my mind.

At this point, you are totally as lost as I am, but in a nutshell, I've been accused of saying something about someone's actual actions. Dude, if I say something shitty about someone or do something stupid, I'll be the first guy in line to beat myself up about it and totally take responsibility for it, but I've got nothing on this one.

If you beat up a hobo and I watched it and someone asked me if I saw you recently and I replied that I saw you beat up a hobo, am I an asshole for beating up the hobo? Fuck, I need a team of lawyers to figure this one out.

There is a silver lining to it, though. I've gone back and retraced my steps like a guy who lost his keys and have come to the conclusion that I don't do this He Said, She Said shit. I've tried to find instances in the recent past as a starting point to figure out what to do and I've got nothing. I do know that I've dealt with it more in the last six weeks than I have since high school and I'm way too old for it.

I don't understand the toxicity in people and I do worry about catching it. If you put your toe in a public swimming pool, you are more than likely going to to get pee on it. Fuck, somehow, even when you walk away from the pool, you can still get pee water splashed on you from inside the pool. The message? Don't stand near a pool unless you want to get pee on you.

So, I'll take one for the team, but I prefer being called an asshole for being an asshole. This time, however, it's the path of least resistance and that is definitely in the other direction of the pool.

Take this for an example, you've been walking through the desert for like two days and you come upon two baskets. In the basket on the left there is nothing in it. In the one on the right there is a giant bottle of ice cold water and a snake. Take my advice, if you are going to put your hand in anything, put it in the empty basket. Better to not risk getting bit and remaining thirsty than to take a chance of getting a snakebite and a drink of water and called an asshole. Snakes will totally call you an asshole. Pro tip. It's in the bible. I've never really read it, but I know there is a snake in there somewhere near the beginning. If snakes were rad then Indiana Jones would like them. He doesn't because he probably read the bible. Or, he got lost in the desert and reached into the wrong fuckin' basket and got called an asshole and bit by a snake.

Up next is the mating habits of the Bakersfield raccoons that have taken up residence outside my front door. So far I've got this. They watch a lot of movies and then between them they straddle each other on the front porch while listening to country music too loud. They also make the sounds of a raping at a petting zoo that can be heard outside of the apartment.

Yeah, from the outside it looks like true love, but upon further inspection there is something incredibly dysfunctional that you can't quite put your finger on. Perhaps it's the Orange Crush and plastic bottle vodka that one of them offered you. Perhaps it's the way one of them walks up to your screen door and shakes her fake boobs at you while you are closing up a 13 hour work day on your couch. I should probably have an answer in the very near future and in the meantime will just involuntarily observe the mating habits of the Bakersfield raccoons in love.

Addendum: There was an incident in July that was some He Said, She Said stuff that I was involved in. I'll take that one.