Point A to Point Break

We just got a new student intern in our department that I've deemed "Nerdy Betty." I'm not even sure if it is a girl yet. It honestly might take an ultrasound to figure that one out. I'm at a loss at this point.

So, I take mass transit for all of the hot chicks that do it and also because there is no parking at work at 7:15 AM. It's totally convenient for where I live and I actually really enjoy it at this point. I hate driving now. I have a brand new Civic that has 612 miles on it at the moment and it's been three months since i bought it.

There are some drawbacks, though. A rigid schedule and occasional late trains can be a hassle, but it's all part of the deal. I can accept that. Giants trains can also be a little full and you don't really get a seat, but I can deal with that. The shuttle once I get to work can sometimes be crowded and the asshole next to me can sometimes bleed over into my assigned seat space because he thinks he is home on his couch in his underwear with one ball hanging out while he watches "Biggest Loser" while eating a bucket of KFC, but I'll deal with that, as well.

The thing that I can't stand is fucking slow walkers. There are variants of them and I'm convinced that there is a conspiracy of slow walkers conspiring against me in some kind of fucked up cabal dedicated to slowing down my life's progress. There is a simple rule in getting from one point to another and that is a straight line as fast as you can. An object in motion must remain in motion. It's just efficient. Some people, though, aren't of that persuasion. They honestly must have nowhere to go or are just waiting to be stomped on by a predator like a wounded gazelle.

The first slow walker is the "I Don't Where I Am" walker. They will take a few steps forward and then a few diagonal and then back right in front of you and then just stop and look around like they have lost their bearings after 9 steps. They aren't aware of the fact of the surge of people trying to catch the fuckin' train and for all intents and purposes are the only living human being on the face of the Earth. They should probably just sit down and quit trying.

The second slow walker is the "Person With Kids" slow walker. This type is complete chaos and absolutely unpredictable. They could absolutely be existing on two or more separate planes of existence at the same time and their movements can only be described in a fourth dimension of reality. With the child chaos factor, even on a tree diagram of possible outcomes, their movements cannot be predicted. They are the Schroedinger's Cat of the slow walkers. They are in front of you at the same time as not being in front of you. They are all possible outcomes that only exist once you have observed them. There is also a modifier on this slow walker when you add a stroller or a dog. Seriously, it would take a graphing calculator and a Cray supercomputer to evade their walking pattern. You are going to get stuck behind this one.

A third slow walker was discovered yesterday. Sadly, the best name I have for him is "Guy Holding His Polo Shirt Out At 10 and 2 Like He's Driving" slow walker. This one's a trip. I was stuck behind him making a break to Trader Joe's to buy groceries with about 10 minutes of allotted time to spare. I was stuck in a walkway and trying to figure out a way around him without hitting trees that were lining the walkway or cafe tables on the other side of the walkway. His moves were subtle and you could kinda get a cue on where he was going by where he pointed his shirt with his "10" or "2," but he was also throwing some fakes in there. He was crafty for sure. It was like watching for signals from a level boss in a Nintendo game.

A fourth slow walker is the "Lean Back And Walk Like You Are Browsing A Mall" slow walker. These people drive me crazy. It's that slow shuffle from left to right with 60% of your weight located 7 inches behind the balls of your feet. I've totally caught myself doing it. It happens. It's cool, but you don't do it around transit machines that work on a set schedule. I'll admit that I will occasionally mock these motherfuckers when I'm stuck behind them, though. Missed a fucking train once because of one of these. These people are the people that stand on escalators and don't walk up them.

There are definitely more types that I'll find today. You never really know until you are behind them, but trust me, they live among us.

So, I think the whole thing that bugs me is the lollygagging. I'm a man that moves from one point to another with purpose even if there is no real purpose at my destination. I'm a destination lollygagger and not a journey lollygagger. From my desk to the printer at work? Head down and straight at it. To the bathroom? Head down, body leaning slightly forward and right to it. I may not be doing shit, but at least I look like it. I think I may start stepping on the backs of their shoes and yelling "Flat Tire!" at them. It's just hard to figure out what they are going to do even at a low rate of speed. It's the tai-chi of point A to point B and the slow walkers have mastered it.