Don't. I know You.

So, last night I did what any 35 year old man does after work: kicked the ass of Rock Band 3 on Expert guitar. There's a trick. Due to the fact that I play my guitroller with a pick and have a naturally quick hammer-on technique learned on the non-plastic variety of guitars, it takes two beers to slow down to match the computer's "speed." That's the sweet spot when I can just kill it. Seriously, after wiping the floor with Crosstown Traffic by Hendrix, the thought did in fact cross my mind to light the fucker on fire and just go straight Monterey on the lump of plastic's ass, but look at me, I'm not made of money. I believe I'm made of puppy dog tails, snails and something else. Oh, and like 60% water. Or, is that the Earth? Okay, either I or the Earth are made up of hella water...and puppy dog tails.

Anyway, I played Rock Band until my hand-eye went to Hard level. This is how I know that I've had a few too many and need to eat. I put on a t-shirt (this will be important in a second) with work pants, work socks and Adidas shelltoes. Just a fuckin' mess. I went across the street from my apartment and grabbed a Coors Light and chicken strips. This will be my meal right before they walk me to the electric chair. Wait. They don't electrocute people anymore, do they? So, my meal before...how do we kill incarcerated...got it.

Coors Light and Chicken strips will be my meal before they lethally inject me. I love how the state has to kill with kindness. Nice work on the math, lawyers and hippies. Seriously, do the math. Death probably should hurt. It fucking kills you. If you burn your mouth on a piece of too hot pizza it bugs the shit out of you for a week. Why should lethal injection be a peaceful experience if too hot pizza is super annoying for a week? They should get creative with it and air it on Fox. They could make Johnny Knoxville the executive producer and kill murderers with fucking wrecking balls and dynamite. Basically, treat them like army men or GI Joe figures. Throw ethics aside and get higher ratings than Jersey Shore. The American public is ready for it for now. Yeah, as a society we may get smarter than a sixth grader and look at the world differently, but now we just drool in a lean cuisine and watch fucking talent shows and spectacles of social atrocities that we call reality.

So, I eat, whatever and decide that I need social interaction. This is always how it starts. I roll down to the cougar den down the street from my house and there is a table of people out front and one of them calls me by name and tells me to sit down with them. It's four girls and three dudes. I know none of them. One of them knows me. I introduce myself to everyone and I can tell that they are a little tipsy, but I'm a man with no pointed fingers so I grabbed a Coors Light and sat down with them.

One of the girls (women) was kinda fucked up and started talking about driving. I advised her not to with glamorous stories of 9 month programs and cleaning up the city of Cupertino. I raked the shit out of Cupertino, motherfucker. There was not a leaf on the ground for 9 weekends. I talked her out of it and she made the brilliant move of asking her friend to follow her home. I mentioned that that was a great way to have your friend watch you hit a lamp post, but whatevs.

Instead, I suggested that both of them chill for a little bit and not drink and then I would let them make whatever decision that they wanted to. The friend said, "Fuck that. I've gotta go." I told her that I would tell her funny stories for a half hour and she wouldn't even notice that the time went by. She sat down next to me and I told her stories. Her name was Melissa. She was actually really cute and friendly.

So, I made her laugh for a half hour and she grabbed her friend and they walked home. Smart move. Anyway, as they walked away, the Melissa girl yelled over her shoulder, "Hugh, your shirt's on backwards." I looked down and it was. It had been since I left the house. I switched it around and returned to the table where the dude who knew me looked at me and said, "Dude. You fucked up. She totally wanted you, but you made no moves. Why aren't you more aggressive?" This was the point where I looked at him and asked "Where do I know you from again?"