The New Deal

The new mantra popped into my head last night when a wave of ponderings started assaulting my docile brain. Watching Million Dollar Password makes you docile. It's this: When life gives you misdemeanors, make misdemeanorade. Seriously, when you encounter something like this, it's a good mantra.

Yesterday, I got a nice referral to a lawyer and he was awesome enough to get me in for an almost immediate consultation on my situation. He was a pretty rad guy and really helped alleviate some of the stress of the situation. It's not that I want to fight it. I did it. I'll take the responsibility, but the paperwork is a hassle and I'm afraid that I would miss the crossing of a T or the heart above an I and exacerbate my situation. So, he took all my paperwork and told me not to worry about it and I gave him a credit card and we called it a deal. It's now an $1800 Tuesday night of karaoke and bad judgement. That number will rise, but it is what it is. Plus, I got a free Diet Coke at the law office.

It's weird today, though. It's a Friday and I'm thinking about what to do tonight and it feels like having demons waiting outside your door. I'm going dry, so all of my go-to things to do have been altered significantly. In AA, it was a feeling of fear of these demons. AA also taught you that if you did not follow the herd mentality and were left to your own devices you were fucked and they would get you. I'm here to tell you that it's all going to be okay. The demons are just apparitions of fear created by your mind. If you learn to understand what they are, they are no different than a pint of ice cream at the grocery store when you are feeling fat. You've just got to learn to live with them. I don't want to drink tonight, but the social interaction sounds nice, but it's not real social interaction. It's a bunch of people that are dealing with the same demons and choose to drown them rather than live with them. I'm almost better off spending some time with myself and catching up with work or reading something to make me smarter.

So, taking it in stride on this lovely smoke filled Friday and looking forward to a night of relaxing and guilt free safety. I'm waiting for this attitude to change, but there has seriously been some kind of chemical rearrangement that went on in my brain over the last couple of days and the square pegs are actually starting to fit into the round holes. Yeah, it shouldn't work, but it does for some reason. It's actually an overall feeling of contentment that occurred when being handcuffed knocked down all of those walls that were preventing me from moving forward the last three years. It feels really nice. So far. I won't believe myself for a month or two, but that's the goal.