Rub Her Bandwidth Me

I've been spending a lot of time liberating TV shows and movies lately from inside the InterWeb. I've also noticed that my Internet Service Provider, we will call them BombCast, has got to have been throttling me. I have to keep on resetting my modem and router by unplugging them for 30 seconds and replugging them in about twice a day. As soon as I open my client, my bandwidth degrades to NetZero speeds and I ping the Cnet Bandwidth Meter Speed Test and see these apalling bandwidth speeds that I'm being given. Now, to be fair, it could be a bad modem, but the trigger is opening the client and it will haul serious ass for a little bit and then get down to like 4 bytes per second, which is outrageous.

The good news is that I'm getting stuff through and have spent some time watching some movies and TV shows on my Xbox, which is like the coolest thing ever. Here's a list of stuff:

In Bruges - A really cool movie in the vein of Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrells and Snatch. Dude goes on the lam to Bruges, Belgium after he accidentally kills a kid. Violent hilarity ensues.

Eastern Promises - Viggo Mortenson fighting two dudes in a sauna with his junk out and Naomi Watts getting smothered in a role that could barely be called supporting. She's still super hot, though. Double crossing organized crime drama. Pretty good. By the way, Viggo makes albums with Buckethead. Super random.

Teeth - Holy fuck on a popsicle stick. This movie was the most god awful twenty minutes or so of my life. It was almost as bad as Spiderman 3 until it got so horrible it was brilliant. It's about a naive girl with Vagina Dentata. I was all in after the gynecologist visit. The dude is on the ground missing four fingers yelling "It's real. It's real. Vagina Dentata is real." This is destined to be a cult classic just based on the severed penises alone. She sleeps with dudes and then they say something stupid and her face kind of clinches up and then the dude starts screaming and then a severed penis falls on the floor. I microwaved a hot dog and dropped it on my kitchen floor shortly after watching this and nearly ruptured my spleen laughing so hard. This movie has got to be the result of a late-night-coke-bender bet or an elaborate and expensive inside joke.

Dexter (Season One) - This show is great. I watched the whole first season last weekend. It's about a serial killer that works in blood spatter forensics for the Miami police department. Like a vampire with a heart of gold, he fills his cravings by taking a page from the book of The A-Team and only serially kills people that deserve it. There is also an arcing story that takes place through each episode, so you've got to just kind of watch the whole thing. You also start to see him develop feeling, which really messes with his party and also why he is the way he is. It's a really cool show that I totally missed. Now, I will be pertinent again in party conversation and not have to talk about Lost and time-loop theory, which can get pretty heady.

I also grabbed The Onion Movie, which was the second coming of Amazon Womeen on the Moon and some other stuff that isn't worth mentioning, I guess.

Oh, that aluminum can of dog shit Life on Mars (American Version). The original was one of the best shows I've ever seen. It was fresh. The acting was brilliant. John Simm and Philip Glenister cannot possibly be imitated or even approached to be imitated in their roles. The subtlety was perfectly executed while still leaving some type of work to the viewer. Even the filming of it seemed perfect. Then, the American version plays out like the SNL sketch, Caveman Lawyer. The entertainment industry thinks that their audience is eating paste and choking on Crayolas. Yes, they may be right, but come on.

That's all for now. Staples out on Wednesday followed by one of the most awesome showers ever. Look for the evite. It's going to be a pretty special shampooing. That word sounds gross. Shampooing. It sounds like faking number two so you can go through someone's medicine cabinet. Like "Oh, I was shampooing at my new girlfriend's house while I looked to see if she had any Amoxicillin in her medicine cabinet." Sorry for the dick and fart humor there.