Drained My Main Vain

So, I've been quiet for a while. I may have overreacted to the whole diagnosis thing and I actually was convinced I had cancer for a few days. I think it came from watching too much House. You've got to watch out for that. I also started self-loathing and felt that I somehow deserved to have it. No one should ever feel like that and I was way in the wrong for that.

Anyway, the subscribers got a bonus feed from a meltdown the other night, but that's been about it. I had some explaining to do after that and inadvertently sent a shot across the bow of some friends that really care about me and felt like an insufferable asshole the next day. The silver lining: I know what's wrong and it took my little routine diagnosis to throw a match in that powder keg and make what bothers me the most and triggers small episodes pretty hard to miss.

That lining is I get lonely sometimes. Some of those times are extremely painful. I feel like I have no family, no friends, no colleagues, no nothing. Sadly it's all me and they are all kind of staring me in the face, but I almost want to be lonely. Let me know if you have ever felt this way? You desperately want to be alone and then after three hours you wish you had someone there with you and realize that you could have someone with you, but in all honesty, you want someone specific there whether they be fictitious, known or someone you haven't even met yet? If it's not any of those three types, you just want to be desperately lonely again. It's the recipe for a downward, self-loathing cycle.

So, that's what I've got to knock out as my next step from mental adolescence to becoming some type of adult. There are methods to this that skitter on the edge of being productive, accepting, and self-satisfaction. It doesn't take pills, Jesus, or self-delusion to get there, either. It just takes self. That's my two cents.

Now, the reason for the e-absence or i-absence if you are on a Mac. By the way, on a sidenote, in most workplaces where PCs are primarily used, the guy who uses a Mac to stand out and be different is the vegetarian at your BBQ. While I would love to use a Mac and marvel at the style and usability of the device, if you need to run a report at work and have to fire up Parallels or VMWare to do it, you are doing it wrong. You are just getting in the way. And, if I hear one complaint about it like you think you are that Drew Barrymore dating douche from the adverts, I will scowl at you. If you are not in graphic design or music, at the end of the day, both systems are going to get most of your work done even if there is a CTRL+ALT+DELETE in there somewhere. Everything will be fine. After work, I'll jam my Dell D830 in a manila envelope and we can all be amazed. Remember. Point A to Point B is all that really matters when it's all said and done. I don't give a fuck how you got there. Just get there.

So, e-absence, post-tangent. I had a little surgery done. On the sheet it said reextract benign tissue from scalp and add flap using existing skin. When I read that, I did not feel real good about the surgery. Nobody wants a flap. I kind of just put my hand above a furrowed brow that sat below a freshly shaven head and checked that box that said I had no one to pull the plug if anything went wrong. That's a creepy box to check. I hadn't eaten or, more importantly, had any coffee in the last 12 hours and was not super fired up about putting on the booties and a shower cap again. I was however, fired up in putting this behind me.

I found out right before I went in that it had gotten to my mom via my sister's boss who happens to me married to my mom's sister. He found out why my sister was leaving work early and like a 38-to-1 upset at the Belmont Stakes, that news was off and running. The whole family knew before I was under a beautiful general anesthetic. That was awesome. I remember how the dude was talking to me and then I started slurring and then I was out. It felt like a typical Thursday night. I was built for this shit.

I woke up a few hours later and didn't remember anything and started to gather my bearings. I was starving and dehydrated and saw something in my peripheral vision that was attached to my head. I was told I would have a drain, but I thought it would be like a stadium pal and hidden beneath the gauze wrap that they had reapplied. By the way, this was the motherfucker of all gauze wraps compared to the pinner one they gave me last time. I can't pop my ears out of it and they are starting to hurt so I've had to use some of the Vicodin.

So, what I saw was a tube that ran from inside the wrap to a compressed ball that blood was dripping into. I kind of put two and two together and realized it was mine. The fuckin' thing just kind of hangs there and after multiple safety pins and readjustments, I've had to put it in a bandanna, Bret Michaels style. It's horrible. A beanie cannot hide this and I'm on straight lockdown after the neighbor's kid nearly cried when he saw me. Also, pro tip right here, if you can see your own blood dripping into any type of container, skip the lasagna.

I've been home a while and can't figure out how to sleep with this bag attached to my head. Plus, the head wrap does not mesh well with the weather. Thank god, I shaved my head. I suspect there is going to be some bic-ery when I get the wrap off on Friday. May have to go Bruce Willis style with it.

That's what I've got for now. I'm assuming that I dodged a major cancer bullet and should feel extremely fortunate for this chance that I've been given. Yeah, it fucking hurts, but ass, gas, or grass, no one rides for free. I'll just be happy when this is all over and do my best to be appreciative of all of the great assets and friends that I possess. This shit should be hard-wired into people, but I have to admit that sometimes I think I may be the King of TakeItForGrantedistan. So, just so you know; I'm aware of it. Most likely, I'm sorry as well. I'm eating some crow lately. Hopefully, it will be better from here on out.