If We All Do It At The Same Time...

...it will be okay. I'm going to send out an evite to my four friends and set up a time to throw our work phones down a hallway or staircase all at the same time. As I gingerly look to my right, there is my work phone and three cell phones that I don't answer nor check the voicemail of. I actually enjoy seeing how long I can have a voicemail on my work phone without checking it. My work cell phone I leave at the office and only open it to delete e-mail notices of server performance degradation. So, yeah, give me a call sometime.

Watch This

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Hot Lava

First, I was just IMing with a friend about stolen headphones and magazines to read at the gym when you are doing your cardio. We decided that Black Belt magazine would really be the most badass magazine to read at the gym. You could even walk over to the mats and just start karate kicking for like ten minutes while everyone else side-crunched. It would be pretty awesome.

Next, I had a dream last night that I was coming back from somewhere in the mountains south of Los Angeles and when we got to the top of a hill and could see LA it was engulfed in hot lava because a volcano under the city had erupted. I woke up and was all "That dream was hecka stupid." Then, I realized that there may have been a real movie with Tommy Lee Jones in it that was about that. I sat there and couldn't think of the title. I thought it must have been Hot Lava. So, I got to work and IMDBd "Hot Lava" and can you believe it? No one has ever made a movie called Hot Lava. It's probably going to be the next Ben Stiller Vince Vaughn joint about a Hot Lava league with...who would be a good hot lava monster in the movie version of the game?

Oh, wait. If you have never played hot lava monster, here is how it works. You take all of the pillows off of the couch and throw them around the room. Then, you pick on someone and tell them that they are the hot lava monster. Everyone else jumps around the room from pillow to pillow to couch and if they fall into or touch the lava (the floor) they become the hot lava monster. It was fun as a kid and trust me, it's even more fun as an adult.

Also, the name of the Tommy Lee Jones volcano movie was called Volcano and beyond retarded.

Reasons You Would Never Want To Be Me

1) I got superwasted last Sunday and ended up throwing the Chase Card down and all went mad. As I threw it down I introduced myself to one of the two bartenders. They were both named Liz and I quickly forgot both of their names, however, I introduced myself by saying "Hello. My name is J.J. and when you ask me to leave please call me by my name to make it semi-conversational because you are beautiful." So, I signed the card out with half a nice car payment on it at the end of the night with my new idol, a supertanker driver named Mick from Ireland who worked for Chevron. In a drunken stupor, I tried to relate us to each other by my knowledge of James Joyce which was super gay, but whatever. He was good people even if he was the chauffeur of global warming. Seriously, 500 thousand barrels of oil was the cargo that he spoke of. He also said that hitting a bridge would be kinda hard. Then, he told me "Jesus Christ, find an atlas brother."

2) Next, I went to the bank on campus the other day and got some quarters for laundry. I have a crush on any girl with a British accent. I think it comes from me thinking she may be able to play soccer or just that she'll watch it with me, but whatever. I walked to the teller with a twenty in my hand and handed it to her and told her I would like two rolls of quarters for a kickass Ms. Pac-Man tournament and she handed me two rolls and then said "All quarters, right?" and I said "Yeah" and then she said "There you go [Real Name]" and she used my real first name and real last name. I didn't even realize what went down until I was 30 steps out of the bank. I didn't know this girl. That was for sure. I've dealt with the drunks, but they never know my first and last name and she had seen no ID. It was really crazy. It still is.

3) Tonight. Tonight. I noticed that my neighbor was a little tipsy and listening to young country. So, I burnt him a couple of CDs. Wilco and Bright Eyes. If he was going to try and listen to what country should be, I thought I would give it to him. So, we sat and listened to the shit while we drank Gimlets. Then, some girl who I've played soccer with walked through the complex and told me that they pulled out a body of one of the apartments. How the fuck are my neighbor and I still alive in this complex? It's the second one since I've been here. So, while I sit here and question the end to the means, why are they better than me? What am I doing wrong? What's worse for them? Why are we here? What is the end to this means?

That is all. Good night.

Of Pop Music and Baseball

So, people are straight trippin' on how well Amy Winehouse did at the Grammy's. She still looks like a hobo with her three teeth and giant head, regardless of how many Grammy's she won. "Rehab" is a cool song, but it's not like pantsdroppingly awesome with it's retrocrooning vibe. It's the secret crooners era with the Bubles and the Grobans and all that vomit inducing slop. They are like Celine's with penises and better looking faces. The list of Grammy nominees was a desolate miscategorized mishmash of mostly shit. I found like three bands that I would get behind and root for, but they were in the way wrong categories for their music. It just brings home how out of touch the music industry is with both their consumers and themselves.

Anyway, the point is that in the music business you can basically have a needle in your arm as a performance enhancer and it's encouraged. Now, when you compare that to baseball there are fucking two years of congressional hearings and reports. Shut the fuck up. Sit the fuck down.

Let them play baseball while enhancing their performance. Isn't that the idea? When people weren't hitting enough home runs to keep the fans interested, the league juiced the balls. Honestly, rather than juice the balls just make the beer cheaper. It would be a way better experience for everyone including the stroller set that isn't watching the game anyway. They would have a reason to call the usher to have the guy yelling "Fuck You, Chavy" removed from the stadium.

The NFL does the same thing amending their rulebook every year to favor offenses and protect more expensive players. The tuck rule, fumble rules, etc...work against the defense and pussify the sport. Plus, if Jefferson Starship built this city on rock and roll, football built their city on advertising. The field is starting to look like the hood of a NASCAR and it is about as smooth as sand toilet paper. There are breaks that aren't even official timeouts so that Cialis can pitch you. It soils the game that has a relative spotting of the ball that is scrutinized, but never verifiable nor accurate to an inch. Honestly, if refs played favorites there would be no way to objectify the subjectivity. Chip the ball.

So, back to the music part. Imagine if congress, in an effort to protect you, the customer, from unfair practices in music via performance enhancers, opened up congressional hearings and third party investigations to level the playing field of music. It sounds ridiculous, but perhaps you think it doesn't apply because "Hugh, it's just entertainment, it's not sport. Illegal drugs can't enhance performance." Bullshit. Professional sports at the top level while normally being impressive are more entertainment than sport. Terrel Owens. Ocho Cinco. Beckham. Further, look at entertainers that used to be funny on the popular performance enhancer cocaine. Hmmm. When do you think Chevy Chase and Dan Akroyd quit using cocaine or "China White" as they call it on the street? Dan Akroyd can be pinpointed as being rehabbed on Caddyshack 2 and Chevy Chase would probably be pegged clean in Funny Farm without looking at IMDB. It's just sad, really. Imagine Jimi Hendrix on chai tea. Way less awesome.

In all these examples the artist or athlete are putting themselves and their kids in the example of NFL quarterbacks at risk for you the fan or general audience. It's why the NFL is one of the largest supporters of the United Way. Most of their kids are in it. It could be a coincidence, but so could the fact that the average gay ratio does not apply to an NFL locker room. There is no way that there are not at least like 5 gay NFLers. No way. Jimi died early because of drugs. Kurt Cobain died early because of drugs and a horrible wife. Lyle Alzado's head exploded. Mark McGuire's kid has a giant head. High school athletes hearts are stopping while they emulate their heroes. Yet Keith Richards is still alive after being the Evel Kneivel of the genre challenging death to take him down at life's every turn. It's some kind of entertainment darwinism. Somebody needs to commission a study on the relationship between height of popularity and drug use and see that sometimes there are people on the far right and far left of the bell curve and that there is a celebrity version of death on a treadmill (far left) and Keith Richards (far right).

So, yeah. Call baseball entertainment and let them play the way they let Donna graduate in BH 90210 (Did they let her walk?) and call it a day. Seriously, nobody really gives a fuck except for overcompensating senators that smell of expensive DC callgirls and baseball businessmen who looked the other way at a pile of money rather at the needle in the asses of their moneymakers.

Please Take Note

There is a person in our office at work that goes around putting notes on everything. It's totally passive aggressive. So, today, I snuck around the office and took pictures of a bunch of them with my phone. It was totally covert, so they are blurry as fuck and some are unreadable. I'll have to bring my real camera in and officially document them, but for now, here they are in no particular order.

Finance Group
This is a sign on a mouse pad that is next to the printer. It's being offered to staff to take it for a test drive.



















Stop!!
This is to encourage recycling in the office. Save the world one recyclable at a time. As a side note, somebody let him know that disposable creamer cups were recyclable and people are throwing them in the garbage. The person said this to him right in front of me to stir the pot. It's not that I'm against recycling, however I'm a staunch advocan't of being stupid.
















Hi All
This note is the second most recent. It appeared above the sink in the breakroom a week or two ago. It has become the template. The same font and font size is being used as a standard on all notes now, I've noticed. It's a good font. It sends a serious message without the distraction of flair. I'm thinking about editing all the notes and throwing some clip art on them and then replacing them all on a Saturday when no one is here. I'm kind of suspect zero, though, when it comes to office shenaniganery. This note has also been graffitoed or edited in the last 14 days. I think it says "or on the side." So, it's concensually okay to soak items outside of the sink.











PLEASE DO NOT
WOW! All caps and no punctuation. This note is full of metaphors and has to be read into. There is a lot going on between the lines here. It sits on our giant 1950s shredder. Dude, it's the fucking Mangler from Stephen King's book. It's gotta be violating OSHA in about a hundred ways. Anyways, no punctuation says to me that this note is not fuckin' around and throwing cordiality and grammar out the window. The fact that it's all in CAPS is shouting at you. This is seriously the equivalent of jumping in front of a bullet that's going to hit the President while you are dressed up in clown underwear. You don't have time to put on a nice pair of slacks and follow protocol when a bullet is about to strike the President. That's what this note says to me.










Shredder Note Addendum
This is the second note on the shredder. It points out that for Arthur Andersen amounts of shredding we have a confidential document bin available. The CDB is a locked dumpster in the parking lot. I've been to it. It's covered in rust and is full of important confidentialia. Oops. I need to edit that full name out of there. That's just not fair. Anyway, if requested, information is available as to location and how to access the CDB.
















Hi There
This is actually not even located on our department floor and is downstairs from my office. I saw it on the way to the bathroom the other day and would know that font and font size anywhere. Plus, it's an obvious variation of the "Hi All" note that was previously mentioned. There is a small table next to the stairs that is apparently our media area. I had no idea we had one. It houses a bunch of old newspapers and department directories, but by no means should have packages left on it. Good to know I guess. Oh, that's "in or out-bound." That's a little fucked up. You'd think that in bound packages would be allowed. That's like note-lawing Christmas...I mean the Holidays.










The Microwave Note
I know. It's unreadable and out of focus, but it's just proof. This is one of the original notes that lets people know to cover their food when they microwave and also to close the breakroom door so that no one has to smell their food around lunchtime. It was put up shortly after the Lunch Aroma Revolt of 2004. Much blood was shed over the outrage caused over that incident. Brothers fighting brothers and cats attacking their cat ladies. It was awful. Bullshit. The only person in the office that has a problem with it is the person that put up the note.

You(tube) Assholes

Youtube pulled all of StSanders shreds off of youtube and froze his account after Steve Vai and Yngwie (bitch) Malmsteem complained, according to Wired.

The silver lining is that it does end the Satriani vs. Vai vs. Malmsteem argument once and for all and let's us get back to who is better? Eric Johnson or Joe Satriani. Answer that one HH.

Just like us old fuckers miss the old days of Napster, we can now feel that way about the old days of YouTube. And fuck Yngwie. Fuck him to hell. I wouldn't even listen to that shit if it was given to me on a used cassette tape. Not even Alcatrazz unless it was the version of the band with Steve Vai. And if someone did manage to get that tape into my boombox and play it, I would immediately go to the bathroom and get toilet paper to wipe fecal matter off of the speakers caused by his awful music.

A Loss For Words

Can't think of anything to write about, so I'm just going to document what my iPod pulls up on shuffle so people can see how insane it is.

1. You Got Yr. Cherry Bomb (alternate version) - Spoon
This is cool. I had never sat and listened to it. It's essentially the same as the original with way more reverb on the lead vocal and a loooooooooooooooooot of clapping and foot stamping. Think high school rally "We Are the Champions" foot stomp clappy. I can't say enough about Spoon. I first heard them on Gimme Fiction and thought they were good, but had no idea how good until I explored their back catalog and then Gax5 came out and it was done. Easily at least in the top 5 of all albums that year. Just a solid fuckin' album

2. 200,000 (in counterfeit 50 Dollar Bills) - Citizen Cope
CC is cool, but it gets a little bit repetitive. It's kind of hit or miss. All of his songs tell stories about individuals with bad luck it seems. Painting pictures of Inner City Blues as it is like a polished and less angry Gil Scott-heron.

3. Lovin' Money (Outtake) - Cheap Trick
I sit and ponder on barstools with strangers sometimes and am yet to find the modern equivalent of Cheap Trick. Would it be a Maroon 5 or something? Regardless, very little in personnel changes and consistency in music. I think I've slow danced to "Flame" off of their comeback album. The song still makes me sad a little. Anyway, Damone and me love Cheap Trick. This song kinda drags, but it's off the padded outtake/alternate enhanced debut Cheap Trick album. Cheap Tricks first three albums are beyond fuckin' solid. You've been warned.

4. Today - Zero 7
Straight up. This is music to make love to a lady by. I've also used it when a particular girl was going ape shit crazy drunk and had to put her down on the first night that I went out with her. I had to get her to my bed and put Zero 7 on and rub her back to get her to fall asleep while I slept on the couch. Never penetrate on the first date. That's a rule to live by. It always sets a bad precedent if you do that. Ummm. Thumb in the butt? You might want to wait until fifth date. A romantic choke usually takes place...Dude, whatever. This one chick choked me on the first date I think. I didn't know what was going on and thought I was going to be choked out and robbed. then there was the girl that put processed cheese over each of her breasts and asked me if I wanted a piece of cheese. That was the most awkward post-coital moment of my life I think.

5. I know What I Like - Huey Lewis
I wish I could do the Patrick Bateman Huey Lewis speech right here. Anyway, this song is off the Fore! album. Huey was telling his fans "Fore!" meaning watch out for some mellow rocking music bouncing off your dome. I got to meet Huey Lewis when I was like 8 years old. He played at Cal-Expo in Sacramento and The Hooters opened. I remember sitting there just waiting for Huey to come out and soft rock me. My neighbors dad had a Levi's hookup and as Levi's sponsored Huey Lewis we got backstage without putting a dick in our mouths. Seriously, I think HL has a Levi's jean jacket on on every one of his albums. Or, at least is wearing Levi's. I wonder how hard it would be to bring back black denim Levi's jackets. I bet I could do it.

6. Applied Science - 311
This is off of the last good 311 album. This wasn't as good as Music, but was still pretty cool. Then, the blue album came out and they got fratdick huge and it was over. I actually went and saw them at the LA Greek on that tour and scammed my way to the third line of walkie-talkies using Pixie Sticks and Star Wars Pez dispensers to get on the drummer's guest list and get a backstage pass. Again, without putting a dick in my mouth. It can be done. My friend and I ended up in the crowd where a chick on E mauled me and shared red wine with me. The night ended with me calling out Chad, the drummer, for selling out. He agreed and told me that he loved his new house and planned on making another album just like the last one. He had no qualms with it. You've got to respect that at least. He's not like Avril Lavigne and claiming that he is hard or anything.

7. Ella - M. Ward
Been listening to a lot of M. Ward lately. He's part of the Bright Eyes, Jim James collective and is actually a compelling songwriter. It's a bit abrasive at first, but once you get acclimated, it's great. This song is cool. It's off of End of Amnesia. This shit is going to be great in the summertime to just sit outside with a sandwich and let the sun hit your face while laying on a big patch of grass. Holy shit. This hot girl the other night actually said to me "I love sandwiches." I thought it was some kind of S&M safeword for a second. That actually would be a pretty good one.

8. Beats To The Rhyme - Run DMC
You cannot fuck with Run DMC. They were the Zeppelin of the genre. I'm not going to even say they invented it. I will never throw my hat in the hip-hop discussion ring, however, they left their mark on American pop culture and gave America it's second music after Jazz/Blues. My question is why does Daryl Mack never hang out at Run's House on that show? I thought they would just be hanging out and spittin' rhymes all the time. Dude, where the hell is DMC?

9. Fiesta - Ween
Short. Sweet. To the point. There is the weirdest panning at the beginning of this song. It actually pans 100% to the left or the right at one point. It has to be some kind of inside joke, but on headphones it almost knocks me out of my chair. Listening to a Ween album for the first time when it comes out is like walking in a dark cave that might be full of bears or snakes or gum, but you don't know which.

10. Electricity - The Avalanches
This album is ripshit. Everyone needs this album.

11. Little Weapon - Lupe Fiasco
Just started getting into Lupe. I've been meaning to, but didn't get around to it for awhile.He's fucking good. The beats are legit and he's got flow. Plus, he used to skate. He'll rap about it sometimes. The snare on this song is tight as fuck. It's totally drum corp. Drumline for those of you that aren't familiar with drum corp. Lupe and Kanye and the lot are bringing back that Tribe vibe of positivity. It's good. The guns, bitches and weed shit was just getting old.

12. Sole Food - New Legends
This was the super group in my eyes in 1995. This is off of the Cookin' series put out by Ubiquity Records out of San Francisco. In 1995, you could buy any album on this label with confidence that it was going to be awesome. This was Slide 5 and Skerik and it was sick. I actually got to see them play once. They were better than you and I. Far better. This song has the dopest groove and the best sounding snare ever. Then, Skerik just tears it up. This music always seems dated to me, but every once in a while it's just perfect. I miss watching this shit live immensely, though. It was so chill to drink a PBR at the Elbo Room and watch this stuff at the age of 20 for a $3 cover on a Wednesday night. This is whist.

13. Cupid's Trick - Elliot Smith
This list is getting elitist. This shuffle is working out. I get so conflicted when I listen to Elliot Smith. This is genuinely dark, sad music. The guy just bleeds pain into your ears in a good way. You kind of need to throw New Pornographers on after you listen to an album of this, but you have to admit that sometimes it feels so fucking good to feel this bad. If you are ever in the bath tub with Elliot Smith playing and a candle burning remove yourself from the bath tub immediately and watch Caddyshack or something. It indicates that you are taking life far too seriously.

14. Letter to the East Coast - John Vanderslice
This is actually the Scott Solter remix from the Pixel Revolt remixes. Seriously, some of these sound nothing like the originals enough that they could have just called it something else. It's cool, though. Most of them are super airy and wide sounding. It could be a guy just fucking around on a mixing board. There is a time and place for this album, though. You could listen to it while you play Scrabble against yourself on a rainy night with the taste of grilled cheese sandwich burps on your breath. I'm not saying I've ever done it, but you could.

15. Pollo Asado - Ween
I didn't even know that this was one of my favorite Ween songs for like five years. It's off of All Request Live which makes it even more brilliant that they are doing the song live and keeping a straight face. It's essentially just a giant taqueria order with some horrible math for the change given. They actually start to laugh a bit at the end and name drop machaco beef. Seriously, listen to this song and try to compute your own change. And, yes, I would like a basket of chips and a beef chimi...you dickface, motherfucker.

16. I'm Always in Love - Wilco
Ooooh. Summer Teeth Wilco. The Uncle Tupelo/Son Volt/Wilco controversy is one of the coolest alt-country soap operas you could ever read about. I have to admit that I kind of picked the Wilco side and once they added Nels Cline, I was sold. If you can find it, find the Yankee Hotel Foxtrot demos that Warner Bros. turned down. It's great. This song is straight ahead Wilco. This album and Being There both are that old school Wilco sound before they got superawesome. It's like early Beatles and post-Revolver Beatles. You respect the original, but the new shit just eclipses it.

17. A Sort of Homecoming - U2
Old U2 is so cool sometimes. I respect their reinvention as well as staying power. Not a lot of bands can do that anymore. They are like a band version of Madonna. Plus, they seem like they would be very nice and caring individuals who have very good intentions. Not the rock stars that you would want to party with, but definitely rock stars you would want to sit around on a camping trip and bang on guitars with. Listening to Unforgettable Fire era U2 kind of makes me think that they've pulled a Radiohead move with the way they have grown as a band. The echo on the guitar does get a little bit schticky at some point, but The Edge has his thing. That's his thing. It's kind of like Isaac Hayes' thing is sweating and Scientolo...Not going to get into that search stream. What a beautiful pissing match over nothing that is.

18. Barael's Blade - The Sword
Two words: FUCKING METAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Dude, "Slayer of the Spider Priests."
Behold the Bastard's blade, indeed.

19. Hi-Fi - M. Ward
Notice that the shuffle is picking favorites? M. Ward and Ween are now caught in some kind of algorithm and it is favoring these artists. I had a conspiracy theory that bands that had a new album coming out would come up more on the shuffle as some sort of stealthy marketing, but have yet to prove it. Transistor Radio by M. Ward is an album you should own. Like if I was at your house and we just got done doing it and I got up to go to the bathroom and kind of slowed down to check out your CDs and you had this album I would be impressed. Also, if you were a guy and this was happening, I would probably need to call my mom and tell her that I enjoy rollerblading now. Two ways to see if you are compatible with someone: 1)Order Chinese take out and if you like what they ordered, you are good 2)Trade iPods for a week and listen to each others strictly on shuffle. Those two things are like compatibility barometers for me. They are like reading tea leaves.

20. This Is Much More Than Your Gold Chain - Reanimator
If you can find "Music To Slit Wrists By" buy it. This took me forever to find. It's probably on iTunes now actually. This is the coolest music to listen to while you lay in bed and talk to a half naked girl about how dumb life can be and laugh your ass off. It's just really cool ambient stuff. This song on a loop could be the coolest bike ride music ever. On headphones it third persons you and makes you feel like you are outside of the situation you are in. It's kind of out of body at times. Whatever. I sound like a fuckin' hippy. I should go eat some hummus falafels.

21. It Could Be You - Def Leppard
Old Def Leppard is sick. Two arms. Anything pre-Mutt Lange is so much different. As soon as he got involved, they could wipe their asses with money, but it just sounded so produced.

22. Brand New Vandals - Rob Sonic
I'm an asshole for not going to Aesop Rock and Rob Sonic. An asshole. Seriously.

23. Stomp - Young Buck (Ratatat Remixes Vol.2)
If you don't own this album, you are lacking in elite hipsterness. Especially since it's free. This is the shit.

Back to work...

Hillary-tards

To be fair to the Obamatards, there are Hillary-tards, too. They are seriously 97% female and 60% of that has breeded. Don't be so transparent and just bet on the horse with your name. I'm not going to vote for a candidate that resembles me the most. If anything, I would vote against him.

Hillary-tards also have different hours. They seem to be up much earlier than the weed smoking and Stella swilling collegiate volunteers of Obama. Hillary-tards also seem to wear Uggs a lot. That's kinda weird.

Regardless, Hillary-tards are a lot smarter when it comes to road safety, however some of them were approaching slowly moving cars like a metropolitan panhandler and encouraging people to honk at 7:00 AM. That's not really respectful to all of those Obamatards sleeping off Monday hangovers nor the Mitttards who are up early praying for it all to end so that they can go to heaven and get out of this dive.

It all feels like a Halloween parade right now, but I do respect people giving a shit no matter how much shit I talk about it, but do they have to be so spectaclish? That is so American to make a fucking huge deal about something like affixing a postage stamp or recycling or driving a goddamn Prius with a "FUQBUSH" vanity plate. Do your business, but do you need to raise your hand to draw attention to you doing your business? Do you need to be rewarded? Do you need to let me know that you are doing something good? How about you let me let you know when that time comes?

Yacht Rock

I just found this and feel cheated that I wasn't told of it before. It's Yacht Rock. I was keeping it to myself and just sending it to friends, but it must be shared with the world. It's like a parallel universe of rock stars, both regular and smooth in the exact exaggerated way that you always wanted to see them. You get to see Michael McDonald and James Ingram hanging out with Jimmy Buffet plotting against Kenny Loggins. The only way it could possibly get better is if they were all solving crimes or something. I've only watched episode 9, 10, and 11 and I watched them backwards to see if there were any satanic messages. I can confidently say that this is goofy and brilliant and should be on a real TV somewhere all the time.

Here's the youtube search for instant gratification: Yacht Rock Youtube

Also, gotta put a link to My Old Kentucky Blog for turning me on to it.

Seriously, I've been laughing so hard at this and kinda wish that I lived there in that parallel and so smooth alternaverse.

Obamatards

The Obamatards were out today again. I almost hit two of them milling about the street with no regards to pedestrian nor driver safety. These fuckers act like they invented the vote. It's like women's suffrage just ended. They've got their fucking signs and standing on corners like migrant dayworkers interfering with traffic. Dude, a bumper sticker will get your point across. You don't see breeders standing next to their cars on busy streets with giant "Baby on Board" placards, do you?

There has got to be something more productive for these tards to be doing to benefit the campaign and if not, to benefit society in general. They could shave homeless people's beards, for instance. If I ever become mayor that will be the first thing on my agenda. After all, if the homeless were a little more attractive would they really bother us as much? Hot blonde with implants asks me for a dollar and there is a pretty good chance that she'll get that dollar. Christ, I've given my shirt to a hot Russian chick one night in the city. That was stupid. On the other hand, a dude that smells like pee with a hobo beard? Not going to get that dollar in a contest with the Russian or the blonde. That's just how it is.

I guess the question is what is the true desire of these Obamatards? First, they want Obama as President. Granted, an orangutan would be a step up from where we are; especially in International Diplomacy. This doesn't suggest that he is an instant answer, however. There is never a shortcut nor a free lunch nor an easy way out nor quick fix.

Even if he did win, he's getting the keys to a car in extreme disrepair with no gas and he has four to eight years to try and fix it and that's assuming the world has not turned on itself by then. Plus, you can put lipstick and a dress on a pig, but you still wouldn't fuck it, hopefully. There is no one that exists in the current political system that could actually make dynamic and swift changes to the system. The system of checks and balances that Bush so brilliantly destroyed in the backdoor of various "Freedom" and "Mission Accomplishing" acts and bills is a quagmire of bureaucracy that will prevent anyone from getting anything done without jumping through hoops of flames held over an alligator pit while wearing a bunny suit.

The bunny suit just seemed to slip in there because if I were performing an act like that, I'd probably have a bunny suit on, as well.

Don't get me wrong. I'm an American and support my brethren (at times, it's hard), but I'm not dumb or blind. The system is a shambles and it's not politicians that are going to change it, it's the people. The citizens are the only ones that can grow independent of their government and quit feeling like they fucking owe you something. You lost your job? Find a new one. You entered into an Adjustable Rate Mortgage knowing that it could blow up in your fucking face? You're stupid and you did this to yourself. It's not the tricky bank's fault with all of their confusing jargon and big words in their contracts. Learn to read. Oh, you loaned money to people that you knew wouldn't be able to pay off their ARM if rates went up and now you want the government to bail your bloated corporate ass out that makes money off of calculated risk? Fuck yourself. Seriously. Die.

Only when people can quit behaving like illiterate children will this country ever be the way it is portrayed in our history books that no one really reads anymore. So, go ahead make your sign and vote in November and then don't think about it for another four to eight years. And please, stay out of the fucking street, you could hurt yourself.

Super Bowled

So, a little bit wasted right now. Whatevs. Watched the Super Bowl XXLII at my neighbors house tonight and am admittedly punchy. I watched some of the pre-game while doing a crossword this morning and am still curious as to what would happen if the ninety-nine cent guys had sex with those hot chicks in the Taco Bell commercial. What would happen if a human had sex with a number? I suppose it would be weirder than a farm animal, but could result in something as awesome as Winston, my friends dog who is half weiner dog and half rottweiler. I would never want to see how it happened, but Winnie is an awesome dog. Actually, it would probably just end up being mini-Hawking.

So, the game was great. This bitterness has been deleted. To tell the truth, it's good. Getting drunk on a Sunday is never a good idea. I'm drunk, but I'm still not saying it was a good idea, however, it was a good Super Bowl. The commercials sucked and the half time show would have been great in '93, but seriously, when did the NFl turn into the Christian Baptists? The last Tom Petty reinvention was in '93 and all the songs he was playing were from '78. A boob did this to us and now the NFL punishes us for Janet Jackson's nipple. I mean, honestly, just have Jack Johnson play and no one would even know that halftime ever happened. If you are going to be "smashmouth" then don't have the Osmonds play halftime you fucking dickfucks.

Regardless, it was a good game and I had a nice time with my neighbors and their kids. I guess I'm growing up. You hang out and watch the game with the kids and loan video games to them while talking about skateboarding. That's being 32, right?

Commercials sucked.
Paula lip-synched.
Pre-game/Pre-Kick was dogshit.

I wish Seacrest and Joe Buck would get on a plane with The Big Bopper and Buddy Holly and fly to the next show with Richie Valens. Yes, read into it.

STFU, Hippy

I've been saying this for fuckin' years when the hippies push me out of their fuckin' love fest to the porch where I have to smoke while they light "Sugar Maggie," their 12 foot bong. It's so funny when Stinky Pete has to carb it for Sage. I've been telling them that it's the same shit and that they will all die of cancer, but their's will take longer because their cancer will be lazier, hungrier and playing hacky sack and ultimate while my cells are dividing at an alarming rate because they are more driven. Anyway, here's proof thanks to New Zealand (kiwi?) scientists.

Cannabis Bigger Cancer Risk Than Cigarettes: Study

Also, Phish is not fucking jazz. Now, go eat a falafel that you paid for with karma. Fucking hippies.

Ironic Deficiency

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Don't Ever Do This

When you are on a long road trip or something and you stop to get a soda at a Jackpot or whatever, don't ever do this.

-Put on super dark glasses and park in front so that the cashier can see your car.

-Get out and walk in being very careful not to make eye contact with anything.

-Lightly bump into some stuff and feel around with your hands a lot for balance.

-At the very least, walk with your hands out in front of you and look all over the place.

-Go into the candy aisle and grab a candy bar or something. A Twix perhaps.

-At this point, people should be kind of watching you so you have to be super careful to not make eye contact with anything.

-Slowly amble over to the counter. If there is a line step in front of someone until they let you know that they are there. Hold on to something for support while you wait in line.

-When you get to the cashier do not look at them and then hold the candy bar in the air and jut it towards them asking if it is a Twix. When they say "Yes." Say thank you. When they give you the total, pull a five out of your pocket and say "Is this a one?" When they say "No" reach into your pocket again and produce a one. If they say the five is a one. Quit the game and tell them to fuck off.

-Complete the transaction and walk towards the door, bumping your head into it a little bit. If there is a curb and you kinda trip over it, you get bonus points.

-Get in your car and drive away.

The game is called "Always Keep 'Em Guessing" and can really liven up long trips to rural areas.

Dick Steele. Lest We Not Forget.

Outside of video games, I've only killed one man. He wasn't necessarily a good man, however, he wasn't necessarily bad. He started to get lost in the grid and I had to put him out of his misery in a three issue story arc. That man was Dick Steele.

He was pretty much me streaming consciousness, wasted on cheap whiskey at 2:30 AM on a Saturday after my shift at the bar. It's kinda dated when I go back and read some of the articles, but still mildly entertaining. I'm vain enough to have every one of them as the electronic versions have disappeared from the Synthesis website. They are much bigger now. Anyway, if you read them in order, it's very similar to the HughVoltage thing. There are ups and downs and twists. There are fuck-yous and inside jokes galore. In fact, I used to put secret crap in some of the text to communicate with a girl that had a boyfriend. The girl became my wife and then ex-wife. She was the sole owner of the one "I love Dick...Steele" shirt that we gave away in a rigged contest because I liked her. Be weary of the asshole with the pen because it is indeed mightier than the sword somehow.

So, I found an old interview with the bass player of Galactic that turned from a regular interview into a Dick Steele interview quite rapidly. He even questions how I'm going to make an article out of it and I'll admit that Dick Steele leaned very heavily on his editor Max Sidman who was a practitioner of tough love and even refused to run the column one week because it was shit. He was a good man that saved me from myself a lot and was also part of the Panama's three man drinking team that was training to drink 31 20 oz. long island iced teas in one sitting. We got to eight a piece with tequila shots in between them and then it all got a little weird. The project was abandoned when we learned how dangerous it was. We also aged five years that day.

Also might add that the Coreys dodged a huge bullet because we had an interview lined up with them and Dick if Dick agreed to review Corey Feldman's album. I reviewed it and had the interview lined up, but Haim cancelled the day of the interview. Fucker.

Here's the article Hipness Test Administered by Dick Steele.

Here's a quote from an interview that I did with Dee Snider from Twisted Sister.
"You know what? It is a very short plane flight, in reality, for me to be out there and in your face. I’m ripped and in great shape. I wear a loin cloth and I promise you I am loin cloth worthy. Matter of fact, it’s a little bit loose."


Holy crap. I scanned the Van Halen Dick Steele and have it on my Flickr account. I use Van Halen or David Lee Roth song/album titles 36 times in the column. Check that Link: "Reach Down Between My Legs/Ease The Seat Back"

Hugh Voltage Picture Party

Quick note: Is it shitty to put a Post-It note on the coffee pot at work that says "This coffee tastes like dog piss. If you would like to learn how to make a proper pot of coffee to share with your co-workers, please come by my office and I will show you how. The coffee that is in this pot is not even worthy of being poured out or served to cops or teachers. The pot with the coffee in it should be taken out of the office and driven to a landfill and never used again. You have ruined my morning. Thank you." It's a big Post-It.

When I'm not training to catch a predator, you may find me in dirty fucking watering holes taking in culture and seeing how the other half lives. When I'm not doing that, I'm doing a whole bunch of weird shit and sometimes I take pictures with my phone. They are all blurry and shitty, but I thought I'd post some of them and try and explain what and why. I had a picture of this girl that I'm not putting in here because that would be incriminating, but it's one of the best stories ever. EVAR. I'll just give up the punchline and spare the details. The night ended with me getting into an elevator at the Sheraton while smelling of booze and cigarettes and perspiration and looking at the dude next to me with his rollie luggage and discussing the drive to the airport at 6:30 in the morning. That's a rough night folks.


These first two pics are in the license plate category. The one on the left had me cracking up in the parking lot this morning as Canadian is the only real ethnicity that I can verify in my background. Drunken grandparents have called out Jewish and Italian and my last name sounds more like Saurbraten than anything else, yet it has actually been stolen by a certain individual that refuses to give it back to the chagrin of family members. Whatevs. It has become a joke amongst us that someone would voluntarily take that last name. I mean I could understand if your last name was Dickmouth or something; my last name would be an upgrade from that. Hey. at least it's not a hyphenation. Say this out loud and start laughing: "Hello. My name is Edward Dickmouth. Nice to meet you."

The pic on the right made me laugh because I, in fact, would rather be dancing. I should probably blur the license plate number out in case someone gets smart and looks it up. Whatever, we're in a police state anyway. Smile and accept your national ID program. I digress. My sister exchanged my Chico State Alumni license plate frame with one that says "I'd Rather Be Blading" at my mom's birthday about two years ago and then lost my license plate frame. So, my car still says I'd rather be blading. I could handle it if it said "I'd rather be fruitbooting," but I really need to do something about that. I always joke that I'm going to replace it with one that says "I'd rather be driving sober," but that might be a bad move.

Quick joke: What's the hardest part of rollerblading? Telling your dad that you're gay.

I'm a freak. I love candy corn and Starburst jellybeans. Those two substances are my anti-drug. I was sitting at my coffee table watching tv and eating my allotted handful of candy corn that constitutes one serving and is actually the RDA for predator hunters like me and it was Christmas time so I made a candy corn wreath. It's the predecessor to the Candy Corn on the Cob, which I'm still working on. I can't decide on what the core is going to be made out of. It's either got to be almond paste or marzipan. God, marzipan is more olde tymey than ribbon candy and that weird licorice candy that they have in Canada. Oh, also they have this weird raspberry candy that is kinda gooey in the middle. It somehow straddles the line between gross and delicious.

Ummm. I was cleaning and organizing my closet the other day and came across an unmarked box. I opened it and it was full of VHS porn. When the old lady and I separated I put most of the bottom drawer stuff in a box and duct taped it and disposed of it. The contents of that box did not need to be discovered by a hobo dumpster diver or little kids. It would amount to a life changing event and need to be reported to their healthcare provider. I will admit that there were a lot of cool if not super "we did that?" reminiscents related to that box. Oh, crap there was this one time that a good friend was over at the apartment and my ex's vibrator was on the dresser and he totally saw it and didn't say anything about it at first. It was kind of like getting caught masturbating by your mom. Not mine. Yours.

Anyway, the third in the finest pronographic series of all time. Taboo 3. It was kind of new wavey after Taboo 2, but still classic in many ways. Nothing will ever beat Taboo 2. It's the Zeppelin IV of porno movies. The quotes and the music are quintessential vernacular for pron.






So, while you wait in line for a prescription at Long's and you get off at 4:00 in the afternoon, you deal with octogenarians waiting for their pills. You know they are there when you drive into the parking lot because the fucking blue hairs can't get their Oldsmobiles in between the fucking lines. Then, you read this article that lets you know that men and women over 50 are banging each other and spreading tons and tons of STDs amongst each other because of shit like Viagra and Cialis. So, you figure out that these old ladies are waiting on Amoxicillin to get rid of their chlamydia that they all got from the same old fucker at the home who is senior citizen big pimpin'.

As disgusting as it sounds, I think when and if I cross that bridge, I want to be that dude, but without the STDs. Oh, so while I waited for my STD unrelated prescription (it was actually pills to make me less handsome because the doctor decided the intensity of my handsomeness could pose a danger to others), I browsed Long's and learned that you can use a hot water bottle as an enema bag and you can be a pirate for $3.59 + tax. Also, one size fits all. I think a funny name for an eye patch would be "Pirate Sunglasses." Um, also gotta award the ninjas a point in the area of depth perception in the ongoing saga of pirates vs. ninjas.





Okay. In my spare time I am also a champion of multiple co-ed recreation leagues. It's gotten to the point that in the morning on Saturdays and Sundays, I don't know which championship shirt to wear. Also, sometimes, late at night, I don't know which one to cleanup with after the magic happens. I have to come clean and admit that I have a preferred C-rag. If you don't know what that is, please feel free to e-mail me and I will explain the many uses of a shirt with a wolf on it from Montana that your grandma gave you.

It involves the part of porno movies that they don't show you. At the end of the six minute scene, all of that stuff all over that actress putting herself through college does not magically disappear and must be wiped away. It's the unsexy part of sexy, but very necessary. It's the untalked about thing. It's the cum rag. That spelling grosses me out. I had a girlfriend in high school that would always pass me notes written in a hot pink pen that used that spelling alot. It was like the slutty version of the British "OU." Examples being "humour,""tumour," and "rumour." I kinda suck at examples this morning, but could imagine an Australian saying "sumo" like this: "Sumer." They crack me up when they say "No" and it sounds like the "Noir" in film noir.





"Oh my god. Oh my god." That's what I sound like when people get on the subject of Minus the Bear. It's like Hanna Montana freak out for prepubescent girls. Ever since Menos El Oso, I've been totally gay for them. I even went to their last show by myself. It was like going to a movie by myself the first time. You kinda feel like a loser with no friends at first, but then you just become this silent observer of your surroundings and you'll be surprised at the stuff that you missed when you were with someone.

I even had an extra ticket that was earmarked for a girl that ended up getting hobo drunk and deciding that she hated me. It's the type of thing that months later everyone that had contact with her and you is like "I told you not to hang out with her. She's more of a mess than you."

Speaking of messes, I need to go on record and say that I miss the girl who took me wine tasting, put on porn with her friend there afterwards, told me she was crazy then suggested that we get naked, then napped, then took me out with her friends to a bar where she subtly tore her panties off and handed them to me and then made me sleep on her couch after I sang "I Want You To Want Me" with the cover band that was playing the bar. That all happened in a 24 hour period. I could've married that one. That was a catch. I think I'm into girls that will kill me while I sleep. I should get that checked out.

Anyway, that's Dave Knudson's pedal board. Four Line 6 delay modelers? Are you crazy? One more and he would have a time machine on his hands. Also, love the Whammy pedal in there. That is music gadget pron in that picture.

I've got a picture of me riding a Segway that I'm not going to post because I like to keep it a little anonymous and don't need to be putting too much of my face on the InterTubes. I will say, however, that it was like fucking a fat girl. It was hella fun, but you don't want your friends to find out about it. Oh, I also got chlamydia from it.

I'm just going to end this by saying a) microwave popcorn will give you cancer b) you shouldn't be eating fucking microwave popcorn at 10:30 in the morning, if at all c) it smells like urine. Feel free to use c) as a first or last line in a haiku.

Wait, here it is:

Microwave popcorn
It will likely cause cancer
It smells like urine

Hughvoltage is full service. I'll even write the haikus for you.

Note: Somebody found the blog by searching the words "Beef Penis." I might be going out on a limb, but what a good band name that would be. I would also like to add that a scotch drunk hangover makes you feel like you are invisible at work the next day. It's really weird, but kinda awesome.

To Catch A Predator...And Kill It

I totally got sucked in by American Gladiators. I like to think that I'm impervious to filth outside of pornography, however, this got me.

It's not the competition. The events are lame at best. The "Gauntlet" is like a game that you would play at Gymboree after hours with a bunch of roided out freaks whacking you with pillows. There is the "Pyramid" which is another game that you would play at an abandoned gymnasium. I think we actually played a game similar to it on carpet pad in a warehouse when we were kids. "Assault" is tight, though. Please take note of the subtle Nerf logos and how the announcer really stresses that they are being shot at with projectiles traveling over 100 miles per hour. Dude, they are fucking tennis balls and you make it sound like Dr. Evil saying "One Meel-yun Dollars." I'm still not sold on the "Eliminator" being as hard as it is, but I guess it could be after fatigue set in. The fire on the water is fucking lame, though. There are also wrestling, rock climbing, ring swinging, playground bridge running and stick whacking events.

It could be the gladiators. On the dude side there are definitely personalities that are emphasized in their outfits. There is the Hawaiian guy, the guy who looks like a roided out guy-who-plays-violin-in-Dave-Matthews-Band guy, Jay Mohr on performance enhancers, etc...Then, there is Wolf. I'm pretty sure Wolf used to play bass in Blue Murder after John Sykes left Whitesnake. Blue Murder was a super group and that's all you need to know.

On the girl's side of gladiating, what I call "Ladyators." There are the hardest asses you have ever seen on women. Well, all of them except for Helga. I think Helga thought she was in line for the Biggest Loser and accidentally got on this show. Then there is my Muscle&Fitness crush on well, Crush? She could tone her thighs a bit, but that may just be the picture. Huge fan of her. The only thing is that when any of these women talk they sound like dudes. You kind of want to just be all "Honey. It's okay. Just talk in your inside voice." Some of the Ladyators are better than the others, too, but it's interesting how they rotate them in and out. This week were the B-team definitely. Venom is B-team Joust for sure and Fury is B-team pyramid. Might I add that Crush is still undefeated in Joust? The gladiator version, not the Atari version, sadly.

Also, there is no way that there is a writer's strike going on right now because whoever wrote for Saved by the Bell back in the day must be writing the clever quips and puns that the contestants are using on this show. It is horrible. The stuff they have white trash saying is just demeaning. For instance, a bull rider will be like "I'm going to clean you up like I do to the tables at Shawny's (sp?) every Thursday morning."

So, anyway, perhaps this is an admission of guilt or a confession. Perhaps, I am rubbernecking the devolution of class and taste on the idiot box. I could be watching Nova or reading or making myself a better person, yet I'm watching this crap.

It also inspired me to workout more and train to be a contestant on American Gladiators. I would show everyone what I was made of. High school classmates, co-workers, ex-girlfriends...I would don the contender spandex and let the world see my "Missile-Toe." That's a male camel toe. I doubled my protein intake and spent a day and a half at the Vitamin Shoppe picking out my supplements carefully and dealt with the idea of mood swings, man breasts, and erratic sleeping behaviors.

I had my list ready to purchase at home and then I turned the channel in between commercials when I was just using the TV for white noise and Predator 2 was on. I'm afraid I had an epiphany. Fuck, American Gladiating. The show would be cancelled in at least two seasons, however, there is a looming threat that would never be cancelled for my lifetime. No, not global warming, nuclear Armageddon, bird flu, the second coming of Christ or the complete loss of value in the American dollar followed by the financial collapse of the American economy. The looming threat is a Predator attack. The odds are minuscule, but if it did happen, I want to be that guy. I want a phone call to happen where a guy is like this.

"Well, Hal, you know that thing in the Predator movies?"

"You mean the Alien Vs. Predator movies?"

"No, Hal. The good movies. Remember the one with Apollo Creed and the Terminator?"

"Oh, yeah. Those were great."

"Well, turns out that they exist and there is one in Bakersfield."

"Fuck, dude. Has anyone done anything about it?"

"No. No one really knows what to do, but my boss asked me to call you to see if you had HughVoltage's number. Apparently, he's been training for just this situation. He even put American Gladiating on the back burner for it."

"Oh. Thank god. He really is a forward thinker. Again, I wish we all could be a little more like HughVoltage."

"It's all right to dream, dude. It's all right to."

So, that's kind of what I had in mind for my training preparation. I'm still upping my protein intake and eating nothing, but chicken, rice and egg yolks, but the focus of my training will be inspired by the first two Predator movies. I should probably change my voicemail to let people know and update my FaceBook.

Fuck You Redneck Trash

I apologize for posting so much today, but this fucking idiot needs to be saluted. Someone should burn this fucking place down, but then the domestic, idiotic terrorists that we call fellow citizens would win. Fuck this guy. Definitely watches Wheel instead of Jeopardy.

Casa D'ice signs.

American Psycho...

...as romantic comedy via collegehumor.com

This is so awesome. You kinda gotta know the movie, though.

American Psycho as a romantic comedy.