Rock And Roll Hall Of Booshit

I went pseudo-Kenobi this weekend which consisted of getting major yeah-yeahs out on Friday night astride my trusty Schwinn Heavy Duty. I wasn't even going to touch my car this weekend if I had a whiff of alcohol. Checkpoints and whatnot intimidate me. So, anyway, got pretty much blackout on Friday and was swept up by an enabler who cared for me and got me home with my bike and everything. I must have been a raving asshole and I kind of feel sorry about that, but let off all of the steam that had built up. So, needless to say, I missed St. Patty's day pretty much and am totally okay with it.

So, that puts me at St. patty's day which was spent laying by the pool with my iPod finishing up The Odyssey finally.

My complex pool is poor socially. To tell the truth, I don't even know what everyone is saying most of the time and they could be talking trash about me in Spanish, Portugese, Japanese and Chinese for all I know. I've learned the International sign for small Asian kid drowning, though, and have had to pick one or two out of the pool before.

So, I sat there for about three hours in and out of consciousness, developing a red stripe across my stomach. It's one of the disadvantages of being single. Hetero dudes do not know how to apply sunblock to themselves. I even managed to sunburn the rim of my belly button. It was a nice time, however. I woke up about 4:00 PM and went back to my apartment and showered. I was couchridden for the rest of the night and again was in and out of consciousness until I woke up and saw that the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame ceremony was on and I remembered that Van Halen was inducted, so I watched intently, hoping for a glimpse of all that is "Diamond" David Lee Roth.

Keith Richards was inducting The Ronettes, which was pretty cool. Then, The Ronettes got up and performed a couple tunes with a stand-in Ronette for the performance and oh, there's fucking Paul Schaeffer and the Letterman band playing everything. Nothing against him, but Paul Schaeffer is fucking annoying. At this point, I was like "Oh Fuck. Is Paul Schaeffer and his band going to play Van Halen covers with a horn section?"

So, a few more inductions take place including Zach De La Rocha inducting Patti Smith and sneaking in a denunciation of George Bush and his "illegal war." I'm a fraud because I never got into Patti Smith, but her first album came out the year I was born. I should probably catch up on some of it, as she was so humble and sweet in receiving her induction and then shot out bolts of energy with her performance.

The queen of soulfood got up and sang for way too long. She bugs. At this point, I was wishing I had started the show late and could fast forward and also craving a gravy and tonic.

So, I think Van Halen was next and before they went to the commercial break, the crowd camera showed Michael Anthony and Sammy Hagar. Wha!?!?!?!?! I started bracing myself for disappointment the way I should've before I ever said "I Do" to anything and then also as I will when I am in line for The Transformers movie in July. Aim low.

Velvet Revolver comes out to induct Van Halen. First question: Where the fuck is Gene Simmons to induct them as he financed their first real demo? Second question: Who is going to perform the Van Halen tunes? After Zach De La Rocha's eloquence inducting Patti Smith, the Velvet Revolver microphone hot potato came off like a shitty International Business presentation in college...that I gave wasted with my very disappointed group while leaning on the blackboard. I got a C on it.

They finish and then VH1 showed clips of Velvet Revolver massacring, in a way of desecration, "Ain't Talking 'Bout Love." It was horrible. Then, they covered "Poundcake?" No, it was "Runaround" off of For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge and it was barely recognizable. I was just staring at the screen with my jaw on the floor. Then, they showed Sammy Van Hagar and Michael Anthony accepting the induction. It was like the Wonder Twins accepting something for the Super Friends or Janet Jackson accepting an award for Diff'rent Strokes. Just wrong. Michael Anthony even said this: "This also goes out to Gary Cherone because he was a part of Van Halen, too." Or something like that. First of all, Sammy Hagar shouldn't even be up there because he is not even eligible as part of Van Halen to be inducted. Second of all, nobody even noticed that Van Halen made an album with Gary Cherone and then was dropped from their label soon after. Beyond that, Gary Cherone can be indirectly blamed for Eddie being in rehab. The rest of the blame would rest on Eddie being crazy as fuck.

After that travesty, VH1 showed Sammy wearing an OU812 t-shirt underneath a blazer and I just thanked god he didn't have on his off-red (rocker) Cabo Wabo puffy pants on while he performed "Why Can't This Be Love" with Paul Schaeffer and his band. It finally did happen. Paul Schaeffer's horn section was playing Van Halen. Through all of this, were The Atomic Punks not available and would it be wrong to have a tribute band play rather than a band giving tribute?

So, next was R.E.M being inducted by Eddie Vedder who was very humble and eloquent like Zach De La Rocha and it was a really nice speech. It just made me think of listening to Document and Murmur over and over again on tape and that I should really put them on my iPod. Before they got with shiny happy people, they were at the very least, extremely influential and need to be heard to understand our generation's musical vernacular. They are unhateable. They also performed with their complete original lineup except for Eddie Vedder singing parts of "Man On The Moon." It was almost goosebumpable and it's why you watch this type of thing.

Irregardless, I'm assuming the Van Halen debacle is why I'm having extreme insomnia lately. Back on the Tylenol PM again. Thanks Van Halen. I mean the fucking network is VH1 as in Van Halen #1. It's just inexcusable. There wasn't even fottage of David Lee Roth via satellite while he rode a unicorn on the moon, which I guarantee you he was doing at the time.