What Has Two Thumbs...

That's the new Hogzilla with corndoggers in ut.

And is having the worst day ever?

This Guy.

Here's the deal. I have a cut above my left eye. My left hand is cut up a bit. I broke into my apartment last night and this is the best part, my shorts from last night are missing with my keys, my wallet and my phone. On top of all of that, I slept through the alarm this morning and it's payroll day at work. That's a big deal.

So, I rolled in at 10:00 AM with my spare car key and my spare apartment key and had to have someone let me into my office. I've called my phone about a hundred times this morning and hear nothing in my apartment nor my car. I've gone to the bar I was at last night and there was nothing there either. I'm stumped.

I'm to the point that I'm ready to blame a leprechaun or something. I've scoured my house and I can't find anything. I've lost my wallet and my keys before, but never my shorts...on a Thursday. Seriously, my shorts are nowhere to be found and I don't think I walked home with no shorts on. I would have at least got nicked for a drunk in public. Plus, I drove my walking route and there are no shorts there.

Then, I called a "friend" as I'm having a total fucking meltdown this morning and her first question was "Did you sleep with someone?"

First of all, if you are so wasted that you lose your fucking shorts, you are not going to be able to get it up. You couldn't fucking lick a boob. You need to go to sleep at that point and the penis veto, which does happen a lot, is shot down by Maslow's hierarchy. Your body wants to sleep more than fuck at that point, sadly.

Now, your silver lining. My life is a shambles right now and I have to rebuild from nothing, BUT, I didn't drive. That's a win.