Who's Your Daddy? Issues

My dad's birthday is next week and it dredges up shit every year because I usually go visit him. He's in Elk Grove which is about 20 miles North of nowhere. Recently, it's been coming up in conversation with a friend who is going through a divorce and is concerned about the effect it's going to have on her kids and for me it doesn't need to get in the way of anything anymore.

The last big advancement in dealing with it occurred a couple of years ago and involved accepting the situation as it was and not trying to force it into the typical archetypes that you see on TV sitcoms. It's a little more like Star Wars, which is kinda dramatic, but awesome. And it was'nt very therapy driven. It was basically, just saying to myself that I wasn't going to hate anymore. Hate is a waste of effort...in most cases. Dick Cheney and Loni Anderson still might be hateable.

It is what it is. I'm never going to have a relationship where I can go to him with a personal problem or for money or advice. There will never be the "Dad, I got my girlfriend pregnant what should we do?" talk between us. We'll just stick to the weather, the kids (my brothers) and sports. Occasionally, we talk about alpacas now, but we really don't have a lot in common besides good hair and alpha maleness. An ex on a couple of occasions told me that she had had dreams about my dad where he was holding her in his arms like when a fireman carries someone out of a fire. That's super duper duper weird. Oh, and the closest we ever got to a personal conversation was when we were moving some stuff and he was...holy crap. I just deleted a line because it was too incriminating. Basically, in the conversation he used the word "pussy probation." When your dad says that, it's like watching Porky's with your grandma. It feels kinda gross.

The least I think we owe each other, however, is forgiveness. He was too young for what happened and doesn't need to feel guilty about it anymore (if he does). Shit happens. People change. It's done. I'm fucking over 30 years old and really don't need to be thinking about this shit anymore. He had two kids when he was 19 and left. At 19, I couldn't raise a plant, let alone a couple of kids. I think the only thing really hanging up the whole process is just to talk to each other, but you can tell that we are both deathly afraid of talking about it. Also, funny thing, we will not get wasted with each other. We've never once been drunk at the same time. Contrastingly, I've been housed with my stepdad quite a few times. Actually, fucking tore up with my stepdad.

I'll walk up to a stranger in a public place and make fun of their shoes and basically tell them to fuckoff, but I can't sit down with my dad and say "Hey man. I just want you to know that you had an immensely negative effect on me for a really long time, but I understand and it's all good." Even the fact that we have virtually nothing in common shouldn't get in the way of just kickin' it. I've felt more comfortable in job interviews than in his presence. It's really crazy.

The good news is that I'm not mad anymore. I've let it go and I think he has, too. I guess we just need to tell each other eventually. It's still scary, but it seems attainable.

So, the severely personal douchefest was caused by this article below. I thought it was really good. And my smattering of soppy crap has just felt like a nice cleansing shower. 90% of therapy is just getting it out there. Total strangers just happen to be my sounding board. I just saved $80 by throwing it out here.

David Duchovny: My Defining Moment

Lastly, I'm smitten. It's so hard to act all hot when you are smitten. I wonder if this ever happened to Fonzy or Michael Madsen.