Manstrual Cycle

I'm a firm believer in a male's manstrual cycle. The Urban Dictionary definition is close, but I think it goes much further than what Mr. Lewis Wandon submitted.

So, first let's look at the menstrual cycle. Wikipedia's definition gets a little too detailed, but I'll work with it. Basically, it is a set of physiological changes that occur in female human beings and great apes. Oh my god, I wish I hadn't read ahead like that. The follicular phase gets quite involved. So, maybe the manstrual cycle is making light of something that is a little bit more involved than it would seem on the surface or as it's referred to with its set of nicknames.

Okay, I'm way out of my element at this point. This is what I do know. A female's organs look like a cow's head. Please see Exhibit A. That's what I got out of Human Sexuality at Diablo Valley College, but the A only cost me $25. That's a local joke. If you watch the news, you'll get it.

Exhibit A

So, the manstrual cycle that I'm experiencing is similar to the first phase of the traditional menstrual cycle as experienced by women and ape women. It lasts about 2 to 7 days. It occurs about every 60 to 90 days. That's my personal cycle, but other males and ape men may differ. I get extremely irritable and almost want people to pick a fight with me even to the point of baiting them. I give shiteye to people. I get real quiet and introverted. I listen to sad emo music. I think a lot. I cramp up and retain water. I also develop adult acne in the form of breaking out.

Every couple to few months, I'll be in the bathroom getting ready for work and I'll look in the mirror and see a tiny blemish and I'll be like "Oh, fuck. Looks like it's my time of the year again." That's when my man-period starts.

Last night, I was totally on my guyrag. I was cranky and pissed off at someone over the phone because I wasn't getting what I wanted. It's crazy, though. I have no control over the way I'm feeling. I mean I'm not the chick crying in Bed, Bath and Beyond because her boyfriend can't remember her birthday or doesn't want the homo bedspread that she picked out, but I'll act out. I'll say things that I wish I didn't say that open up a can of worms that I can't recan, EVER.

So, I guess this is an apology to the world for the way I've been behaving and also a plea for patience at the same time. I don't want to demean you (the collective you), I don't want to stomp on your foot "accidentally" in a soccer game and then help you up and say "You all right, man?" when both of us know that I just stomped the fuck out of your foot because I'm getting a visit from Uncle Flow, and finally I just want to be good and feel good. Fuck this Charlie Brown bullshit. Whatever happened to Charlie Brown? Did he finally hang himself and leave some tragic love/suicide letter addressed to Lucy professing his unspoken love and also asking her to take care of his dog?

So, anyway, please be patient with me (the collective me) and if you see me on my period, just get in your car and leave me alone and we'll all be fine. It goes away.