So This is What it's Like...

To lay on a bed of nails with a giant rock on your chest. I had to cancel a day drinking seminar that I was giving today because I'm in no shape. First, I've got this super deep leg bruise that is making it very difficult to get around and also to sleep. It sucks. I hate being tired. Second, I have no idea what's going on with the girl.

I'm a cool guy. I can go with the flow in most situations, however, there is some unprecedentation going on and I feel absolutely in the dark on everything on top of the fact that everything was so confusing anyway. I've seen glimpses of what must be the emotional equivalent of the visual representation of puppies and unicorns and I've seen other glimpses of candy being taken away from a baby. All I want in life at this point is simplicity and peace of mind. It seems that the only way to have those risk free, however, is to rid yourself of everything that you hold dear. Basically, if you have nothing, you have nothing to lose. This became apparent in a conversation I was having recently when I explained that when you are alone, being alone feels fine. When you have had a taste of what it feels like to not be alone, alone hurts again. Call it numbness or ignorance or simply shutting off some feelings, but it was working.

So, tidied up the apartment and made a grocery list and then realized the leg wasn't going to work and I was too tired and I was just supertense about the girl situation. It shouldn't be this tense and everything would be fine if she were just another girl, but we're not even technically dating and she is scared because she likes me...that's like hating a food because it's too good. Actually, isn't that how a lot of people feel about certain cakes and drugs. They're like "Oh, get that away from me. It's too good." Then, they eat it anyway in most situations.

She is not returning my calls after a bunch of texts last night and I'm just absolutely confused. A voicemail that said "Fuck you. I hate you. Don't call me" would be better than the current situation because when you don't know anything and your brain spins like mine does you start to get creative. I start asking myself things like "Did she realize she can't live with that small tuft of hair that I have on my lower back? Are my ears too big? Does she know about that calcium deposit on my skull from when I cracked it open? Is she going back to her secret French husband? Space monkeys? German transients? Clown gangs?" So, my move is to try and sleep it off so I'm not thinking about it. That's my healthy alternative to self-medicating, but then when I close my eyes I just think about her and I'm too tired to fight it and then can't sleep. So, I think the term right now is either bedogged or frazzled or just bummed.

Then, in the middle of this my stepdad drunk dials me and tells me that I should come out and visit him while my mom's at Michael Buble. A) I tell him that I really shouldn't be drinking when I feel like this. I've learned the hard way B) He just wants me to come out and fix his computer and C) Why the fuck is my mom going to Michael Buble? I thought he was a Target brand.

So, after splattering this crap into the InterSphere, I realize there are three possible outcomes to this. The first is that it finally built up to the point that the girl really doesn't want to pursue anything and doesn't want to communicate at all. That's fine. The second is that she is just having a freakout and does want to pursue something, but just can't deal with me right now. That's fine, but it's killing me. The third is, regardless of the previous two options I can cut bait and concentrate on work and laundry and getting stuff done because when my head is cloudy like this I can't do anything. Oh my god, am I pining? That is so weak. The third option is the nuclear bomb option and is definitely the one that I want to avoid and would be the hardest to do because she is in the top 5 awesome things that have happened to me in twenty years, but I just don't know what's going on? On top of that, she reads this blog and I just flipped all of my cards over for the world to see. It's like charades where instead of acting out the parts of the word like a mime, you just say what it is and your team has to guess or just repeat what you just said. It's the world's easiest version of charades, so shouldn't it make this a little easier. Fuck Me.