The Book of Jim 3:16

So, I knew I was not a huge fan of my birthday and kind of didn't like Christmas, but Easter was retarded. Something was going on subconsciously that just wanted to ruin Easter any way I could yesterday. It started with theological debates with my Mormon grandmother where I immediately began the Bill Hicks inspired dinosaur bones argument versus the 6,000 year old bible history.

I think it started because she told my nephews that Jesus was speared and gored to make way for the Jewish holiday that was approaching. I countered to save their tiny brains by telling them that Jesus wasn't special and that they did that to everyone. She then turned and it was on. Yes, I'll argue with my grandma when I find it appropriate. She got a little pissed when I called her "teachings" propaganda projected on children's ears incapable of independent thought.

Now, sidenote here. Her and my grandpa raised me for a few years while my mom went to court reporting school and was 21 years old, so we go back a bit. Also, for loyal readers, I was raised and baptised Mormon so during this talk my poor grandmother is trying to figure out where she went wrong and why am I not drinking Postum and paying a 10% tithing. Not a huge fan. I actually told her about the day that I became agnostic. I was six years old and had to stay with some Mormon friends of the family that were not the Osmonds. So, I'm six years old and one of the kids asked me if I believed in God. I told him I wasn't sure. He replied that if I didn't I was going to burn in hell and be in pain for eternity. By the time, I had woke up the next morning, I was done with it.

Are you going to sell fucking Diet Coke by saying "Drink Diet Coke or you are going to burn and be in pain for an eternity?" This fear bullshit would only possibly work on the religous fucks who somehow find comfort in fear. Life is too fuckin' short to fear shit like that you god-fearing-retards (Republicans). Live a little. Snort coke off a hooker's ass. Christ, if there is a heaven, don't you want to bring stories about living? Do stupid shit. It makes life interesting and worthwhile. When your life goes to shit, you find religion. "Uhhh. Sorry, sir. You did too much heroin. Now, go find God."

You ever notice that it doesn't go the other way? Like, "Jesus, I way OG'd on God and totally found heroin."

Really, though, I could care less if you worship a fucking coffee pot or Zeus. It's your fuckin' right. The spot where I have a problem is when you force your beliefs on someone else. Don't you fuckin' dare knock on my door to talk about your savior unless she is naked, hot, willing and with you. Don't hand me a fuckin' pamphlet. Don't even look at me if you have a name tag on and ride a tenspeed door to door spreading your beliefs. If you want to impress me with your faith, sit down with three people of opposing faiths to yours and have fuckin' lunch. Now, that's a perfect world. As soon as we realize that no one is really going to win, we can start to move forward. No one is keeping score. Also, remember that no one keeps score after 1:00 AM.