Everyman Your Battlestations

What's shitty?

Steve Miller Band

What's worse than shitty?

A cover band covering a Steve Miller Band song.

Worse than that?

Jack Johnson covering a Steve Miller Band song while you get stung by a bee and bit by a dog.

So, I just googled "Jack Johnson Steve Miller" and came across this precious nug of a quote from the New York Times. "Mr. Johnson has an amiable, Everyman voice — like a latter-day Steve Miller — that puts his tunes within just about anybody’s singalong capability."

Is that good? The Everyman? Dude!...and to call him Mr. Johnson? That was the name of my high school principal.

Why does the world outside of Eddie Van Halen, Sammy Hagar and that sasquatch that used to play bass for Van Halen adore David Lee Roth? Because he is not your Everyman. He's fucking awesome. I want to listen to music by someone fucking awesome. Not my fuckin' neighbor jammin' in his garage or some fucking asshole saying nothing, stirring nothing inside me and just fucking being there barefoot with a guitar.

I've got your Everyman if that's what you want. Just grab a fuckin' guy bagging groceries at the local grocery store unbutton his shirt, take his shoes off and get him a guitar. Next, teach him three fucking chords: G, D, C. Then, have him say some lame shit about mother nature or recycling or adorations towards his cat. There you have it. The next Jack Johnson.

Seriously, my opinion is kind of useless on this because I seriously haven't heard a complete Jack Johnson song ever. If I have, my ears blacked out to protect me and I've repressed it. How can you bag on something unless you've tried it? Right? Fuck you. That's stupid. Put it in this context. I don't like having a bowling pin stuck in my butt. Ummm. I've never tried it and I don't really think it's necessary to shove it up my ass to determine if I like it or not.

So, I mean to really sum up everything I've just sputtered: Steve Miller blows ass, Jack Johnson is shit, David Lee Roth is fuckin' awesome and I don't like having a bowling pin stuck in my butt.