A,E, I, O, U and Sometimes Y is Not the Answer

I don't know what it is, but a wave a melancholy overtook me last night as I had my last smoke before bed.

I had just walked from my neighbor's apartment where I had fixed her Internet after helping her learn Mary Had a Little Lamb on guitar and then laid on the floor with her listening to Jeff Buckley. She's really gay for Jeff Buckley at this point. I laid next to her and rubbed her back as she started to fall asleep. The whole time a film strip of her pictures was flickering on her laptop. There were pictures of her, of her with friends, of her with family and of her with boyfriends. I thought to myself, "You know somewhere down the line, you are going to have to deal with this." I then got her up and gave her a kiss on the cheek and went home.

She has pointed out that there is no way that we will ever be together and I'm starting to believe it, really. I mean, it makes no sense, we like each other, but the only time she really shows it is after a few drinks. That's not real to me. She does, however, share some real moments with me when not drinking. That's the conflict. It doesn't, however, solve the problem of what I need from a person to make me feel secure and trust them.

She's already breached my defenses more than anyone in a severely long time and I don't know if it's her or because therapy has opened up some of those avenues for people to break and enter into. Regardless, why can't I accept the possibility that she could really like me, that it's not some kind of inside joke that is being set up from the get up by the entire world around me?

On top of that, what if she doesn't? I know that I'm okay alone and might possibly even be better alone, but that's the kind of bullshit that we all tell ourselves as an excuse of not getting what we want. We all want to belong and be loved. We all want to be adored and anyone that tells themselves or others that they'd rather be alone are full of bullshit. It's the one thing that we all collectively pursue. It's the reason behind everything. Yeah, I'll say I don't want you to like me or I don't care if you like me, but it's a boldfaced lie. Cheap Trick said it first. They wanted you to want them. I agree. I want you to want me and need me.

Now, I know that even in the short time that the neighbor and I have known each other, her life and my life have been better for it and without each other our lives would be a little less awesome, but there is just so much on the line for me. So much. And, sadly, the horse is so far from the stable at this point that I could never get it back in there easily.

So, she hasn't even done anything to hurt me in real life, but I've gone over about a hundred scenarios of how it is going to happen in preparation for what my mind has turned into the inevitable. Still trying to not put my finger near the eject button, though. I can do this without copping out. I'm just going to try to enjoy it while it lasts. Knowing why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling is not going to really help. An answer in this case would be completely worthless.

Jesus. I should just print this out and hand it to the therapist after work.