Deprivation Nation

All right. Going to wrap this one up, put a bow on it and give it away.

I was waiting for my sister to meet me for dinner yesterday and my other neighbor goes, "Hey, you want to talk about it?"

I said, "Talk about what?"

He replied, "You and the neighbor over here."

I said, "You know there's been this gray cloud over this whole complex since I got back on Sunday. I don't know that there is anything to talk about, but did something weird go down this weekend besides the obvious? I wasn't even around and we are no longer on speaking terms. That's weird."

He laid it all out for me. It was a typical night of recklessness that I was not above in my formidable years, but I've also learned that nothing good happens on one of those nights and try to not do it anymore. So, newsflash, nothing good happened and it goes way beyond me and has turned the complex that was Melrose Place to Hellrose place.

One neighbor wants to fight the other for cockblocking him by hanging out in a Speedo until 6:00 AM. One neighbor is not talking to me because she is "sick of this shit." Me, I'm just disillusioned by everything. How one man could be so wrong is the part that I'm having a hard part dealing with, but it's pretty resolved. I feel chumpy and stupid, but that's my own deal and is pretty easily resolved. I'm not chumpy. I'm not stupid and I'm shaking this and getting back to being good. Bored, but good.

I had two beers while I talked to the other neighbor and he ran down the events of the weekend for me. He was super angry and I just kept explaining to him that anger was way more hurtful to one's self than the hatee. I learned that a long time ago. I just told him to find his center and get some balance and zen the fuck out. He kept looking to me to get angry about the stuff that I was dealing with as a fallout from the weekend. I'm not angry. I wasn't even in the same area code and had nothing to do with any of it. If anything, I'm just disappointed that what was in my head was better than the real thing, but it's generally the case. Beyond that, I had a where the fuck am I living moment. My sister showed up and "I'm better than all this" was chiseled into my brain. I felt pretty good about stuff. She just looked at me and said, "You need to get the fuck out of here."

To drive that point further home, I got this text while we were at dinner and showed it to her, "Don't 4get my smokes. Thanks dude. Ur so fuck'n young n got so much goin 4 ya can't believe you get upset about this shit. Pussy."

I went to bed after dinner, though, and something weird happened. Everything felt normal and then my pulse started racing. I had it at 120 BPM as I laid there at 9:30. I tried breathing to slow it down and then figured out that I had been thinking about the situation so much that it was all I could think about. I never really thought about it, but what do you think of to fall asleep? Shortly after my separation, sleep dwindled to almost nothing. I could visualize myself in a giant field under a blue sky just floating and it would help sometimes. With deep breathing it works. That still doesn't get away from what I think about when I go to bed under normal circumstances. I'm totally at a loss.

So, I finally fell asleep at about 10:30 and then snapped awake at 11:30. My subconscious was finding all these ways to relate the random things of REM sleep to the neighbor. The funniest one that it pulled off was a melody that was stuck in my head. I couldn't remember what song it was and it ended up being "The Neighbor" by Jason Falkner. I hate my brain for shit like that, but it was pretty brilliant on its part. I'm starting to believe she is a symbol of something else. It's not actually her. It's what she represents. I've read enough of Jung to know that she could be a symbol of something unresolved in my subconscious that I can bury when I'm awake and can turn on some defenses, but there is a shadow lurking in there that needs to be resolved. Sadly, again, there isn't a real clear answer or solution on this one. I'm just being alerted that I need to resolve something by the most innerworkings of myself and she was a reminder of that.

So, anyway, woke up at 3:15, 4:11 and then 5:00 and just laid there until the alarm clock went off. It wasn't a clean night of sleep, but it was unmedicated. I'll take that as a win.

As far as the neighbor situation thing goes. She made a few things a lot easier to deal with down the line by drawing a line in the sand like this. Yeah, it's a bitter pill, but you've got to take it. I'm staying above the whole thing. If she doesn't want to talk then we shouldn't talk. I'm not losing out on anything. She never gave as much as she took and I just plan on playing the ball as it lies. It's the rules, dude. I'm better than this.