Punched By A Ten Year Old

What's it feel like to be punched in the face by a ten year old? I have the answer as of yesterday.

It wasn't really a physical punch from him, but more like a bitchslap of reality.

I got home from some time in Napa. I had gotten a text from the neighbor on Friday assuring me that it's good if we spend the weekend apart and deal with the fact that we are "just neighbors" and that's all. Whatevs. Drank irresponsibly with friends and performed one stunt jumping into the pool from way too high of an elevation on a rockwall. Proceeded to drink myself into a mess with them and gave myself a much deserved panic attack for all of Sunday.

I made the drive home and felt that burning in my stomach paired with a tightness in my chest as I got closer and closer to home as if I knew the shit was going to go down. We talked briefly after work on Friday and she had that look that my ex gave me the morning after my birthday so long ago when she was finally done. It's a look that hits a wall ten feet behind you with an absolute steel quality in the eyes. This is the point when an individual has switched you off. It's a look that I will never forget for the rest of my life.

I got into my apartment and tried to nap, but it wouldn't happen so watched "Enter the Ninja" and did some laundry. The neighbor kids were running around all giddily and started rapping the neighbor's wall knocker repeatedly. I peeked my head out of the apartment and said, "Hey man. If they don't answer after three, they aren't going to answer. Leave her alone, T-Biz."

He then came up and whispered "Go look in the window at her couch."

I replied, "That's creepy and weird. You shouldn't look into people's windows, dude."

He then said back, "They are having sex on the couch?"

He followed this up with "Are you and her dating?"

I told him, "No, man. We're just neighbors."

He took off and I finished my laundry. Normally, at times like these in the past, I would just booze myself to sleep. Not this time. I went inside and laid down for a little bit and just tried to accept and process everything.

The neighbor is in the right on this and has every right to pursue whatever she wants to pursue. I firmly believe that there is some kind of plan of sorts and just need to accept it. There is no talk needed. There was nothing really besides two people having a nice time together briefly. I wasn't being nice to her expecting something in return for it and this is all fine. Yes, if you are falling for someone, it's nice if they fall back, but that's not always the case. Of course, with any fall, there is some time required for a recovery. You've got to fall every once in a while, though. It's how you learn to stop falling.

I exchanged texts with some friends and didn't feel alone in it anymore. I didn't necessarily feel good, still don't, but I definitely felt better. I mean, my hands are still shaking a bit, it's hard to eat and I'm a bit dizzy, but it's all part of the process.

I went to bed at 9:00 and tried to do it natch, but eventually got up and took a Tylenol PM. Only one because I kept almost falling asleep and then some subconscious lightning bolt would jerk me awake. It was horrible. I would lay there and it's like my brain was fighting with itself. One side was doing the right thing and accepting the whole situation and the other one was jumping to conclusions and creating all of those hurtful scenarios in very vivid imagery which would result in me waking up again. So, I got into a two hours on and one off sleeping pattern even with the Tylenol PM which just made me feel like I couldn't move when I did wake up.

The dreams were speaking volumes about what was going on. First, I was in Orlando (hate Orlando) and had forgotten to pack any clothes. Then, my bike was stolen and my phone got run over by a car. Add a lost laptop and then waking up at 5:30 AM unable to go back to sleep and there you have it. Fear of loss.

I swear I swear I swear I'm cool with it, but I do feel just numb. I feel like I'm wearing my body like a suit today and just trying to act like everything's cool, but I'll get into a conversation and just feel my mind slipping away from it. It's hard to concentrate.

The plan: put myself back together and just move forward. It's a little tough at first and blows my mind that this could happen this quickly, but it's doable. Who knew a ten year old could pack such a punch?