Valerdictorian

I'm having a bit of anxiety today due to recent events. Not just the neighbor. The dad. My little brother. Work, etc. I was cyberdiagnosing my condition looking for a first line of defense against the anxiety just to kind of take the edge off and found Valerian root as a natural remedy. I was reading about it and found this weird side effect that it has. It attracts cats and rats. Perfect.

I'm just imagining me sitting there thinking to myself, "Shit. This really works. I feel okay" and then looking around at a bunch of cats surrounding me preparing to steal my soul or my breath while I sleep.

I mean. I've got a full bottle of Welbutrin on my coffee table, but the therapist says not to take it. I could probably get a Xanax prescription today if the doctor checked my pulse and blood pressure or just looked at my hands shake, but there was actually a better answer out there. The answer was friends. They work.

A friend checked in on me this morning just to see how I was hanging and it meant a lot. Another friend who had shared a particularly harrowing experience with me this weekend also exchanged some IMs with me. We talked about the weekend and about things moving forward and the neighbor and me and her, of course. It alleviated some of the stress and pressure from the whole thing. I learned this morning that it was way easier to help someone than it was to be helped, but she was good at it. It's my whole easier to give than receive condition that I have.

She put a lot into perspective both in general terms regarding myself and specific terms regarding the neighbor situation. She told me that if the neighbor wanted to talk it out she would come over and talk it out. If she is hooking up it doesn't mean she doesn't care. Sounds crazy, but it's true. If she doesn't want to talk it out, we won't talk it out and it wouldn't matter at that point anyway. It also made me realize that there were people who cared and there is something so comforting about being missed by someone. Never get to the point where you honestly believe that you are alone and that no one cares about you. Someone does. It's a sneaky feeling, though, you've got to be careful not to let it in. It's pretty much the hot shoes and bikini of the feelings world. You'll let it in too easily sometimes.

When you get your head all bashed in sometimes it makes it possible to absorb some things that you had lost sight of because you weren't paying attention to the big picture. It takes some affirmation that you are a good person and makes it worth fighting again and not giving up. Also, if you're not careful, you just might learn something.

In the past, I would internalize everything and wouldn't reach out for help. That would be followed with drowning whatever ailed me with booze. It's funny, nowadays if I'm feeling bummed, the last thing I'm going to do is booze. The eating? Still an issue, but seriously, it feels like I've got a nest of butterflies in my stomach. They're not pretty when they are inside you. They are what they are. I still get them before soccer games. It shouldn't be such a big deal.

So, someone asked me how I was at work today and rather than say fine, I replied, "You know what? Sometimes things just drop in your lap and you have to look at them and analyze them for what they are and then work with them. It doesn't really matter if they are good or bad. They are your things in your lap." They looked back at me like I was crazy, but I felt like the better man for not lying to them and telling them that I was great. The world won't wait for you and sometimes you've got to pick up your things and keep moving or you will fall behind.

Also, one last point. If a spider spins a web and a fly flies into it, can you really be mad at the spider? It's just doing what it knows to do. The fly is the idiot for flying into it.