Home Is Where The Hard Is

Stuff is starting to fall back together. It's not great or anything, but it's totally manageable. The routine has just been altered a little bit. At this point, it's all about me. I'm the one with the problems and I'm the only one that can help myself. The help from others greatly diminishes the difficulty, but ultimately, I'm the only one that can flick the heavy switch back to "normal."

Starting to sleep again. D sent an itunes playlist of whitenoise that I didn't get fully downloaded by my new 9:00 PM bedtime, but I did something else I had read about and it kind of worked. I just laid in bed and breathed in and counted to 5 and then breathed out and counted to 5. The point being that the oxygen lets your body know that you are not under duress and the rest of you follows suit. The result? I no longer was playing six degrees of your stressors as I slept and also woke up dreaming about Ms. Pac-Man after 4 hours of sleep and then snuck in a couple of more hours after that and still woke up with the alarm clock rather than before it.

I think I may have been wrong about my subconscious being evil and plotting against me. It's taking everything it can and filing it away in the most efficient way it can so that my conscious doesn't have to deal with it during the day. It's why it feels like my brain is spinning the whole night while I try to sleep. It's really just inconvenient timing and I suppose it's the cognitive equivalent of moving furniture for the carpet cleaners. After it's all done, it will be a much better place to hang out. I still have a stock GABA chemical and receptor system, but am a little jealous of those that get to use benzodiazipenes to throw a muzzle on that whole system. It's cheating. "It's the rules of the game and the rules are the first go," sadly.

I was playing the stupid self-imposed curfew game with the blinds closed last night, but realized how stupid that was. I just need to go back to doing what I was doing and not worry about the drama moat that is around my apartment. The moat is what I make it.

Also, had a huge breakthrough with self-medicating again. I had a couple of beers after work to take the edge off. Honestly, just to take the edge off. I took a short nap after that and woke up a little later. The news is like the best thing to fall asleep to in the world next to golf. I got up groggily and thought about another beer. That would be stupid. So, I got up and jumped in the car and went and got a salad from the grocery store and ate. Never got to a third beer. That's a win.

So, tonight, might suck it up and go to a cougar nest in Los Altos to people watch with a girl that I met awhile ago. Going in real softly to that one and will go home early. Or, may just see if we can reschedule until I'm a little bit more together.

The two things I think are the major things to deal with right now are loneliness and believing that I deserve for good things to happen to me and quit self-punishing myself. See? It's all me.