Lego My Ego

Slipped and slightly sprained my ego last night so bad.

The day started pretty normal. I've had horrible allergies so I was up at 8:00 in the morning on Sunday and took a Claritin and ran to Target to buy household sundries and two bags (I put two back) of Starburst Jellybeans. I was supposed to go get an oil change and do some laundry, but the day took an unexpected turn. My mom said she was going to come out to visit, which is pretty nice since she was obviously slumming it up in Palo Alto by not hanging out at my sister's place in the Marina. Duh, it's way nicer there. It went from that at 10:00 AM to my sister, her boyfriend, my stepdad and lil Charlie coming over to visit. We hung out a bit at my apartment and T came over and I gave Charlie a soccer ball. She's a dog and she's English, so she immediately referred to the soccer ball as a football. It was embarrassing.

My sister took off and I went to lunch and basketball with my parents and T. We drank two pitchers and a couple Beerzookas and bumped into friends from college. I got attacked by some dude on the back patio about three hours into the blotto Sunday. It was super weird and uncomfortable. Some dude decided to bear hug me and start punching me in the arm. My immediate reaction was to punch him in the face, but when I looked at his eyes I thought he might be retarded. So, instead, I just let him beat up on me a little bit and then he goes "Hey dude. Do me a favor." And I said "What" to be nice. Then, I look down and he is taking a piss underneath the table in the middle of the patio. I went inside and talked to one of the bartenders to find out if the guy was retarded in an effort to to hedge my bets. She said that he was just wasted and just then he pulls up out in front of the bar in his car bumping techno to wave goodbye to everyone. What a fuckin' freak.

So, anyway, my parents peeled off and we had a few more drinks with my friend from college and his roommate and went to another bar where my old neighbor recognized me. This is your instant replay slo-mo of my ego bruise. I had seen her a couple of weeks before at a bar and it was obvious that she wasn't engaged to her fiance anymore and she was kind of cute with a twist of nerdy. So, I thought about it for a second. Then, she started talking to me and introduced me to her friends she was with. One guy had a hook arm, so I'm thinking "Wow. Might have a chance if she is into dudes with hooks for hands, however she might have a pirate thing and then I'm done. I've got nothing." So, then the conversation gets weird and she starts talking about how I was an addict when we were neighbors. I'm not a drug addict in anyway. I have credentials on that subject. Drink a bit? Yes. Drugs, not really.

So, at that point, I'm flabbergasted and just like whatever. So, the night persists and as we are leaving she is sitting in the corner of a dive bar reading a book. I asked her what it was and she would not tell me. So, then I said "Fine." "Show me a page and let me see if I can tell you what book it is." She wouldn't even show me a page. It was probably Harry Potter. Anyway, she looks at T, the girl I was with, and goes "Are you into girls?" T saw my face and removed me from the bar because I was about to go apeshit at that event. I'm still a little pissed off and have dedicated my social life downtown to making this woman's life as difficult as possible. It's a little vindictive, but I feel it's my duty. Dude, if you are into chicks and dudes with hookarms, that's your deal, but at least let me see what you are reading.

Then, in the cab on the way home, T made sure she let me know that she could have taken that girl home without trying and I would never. I guess moments like that need to happen every once in a while to keep you humble, but they are not enjoyable. No.