Down At Thunder Island

Went to an AA meeting last night in Los Gatos at the request of a friend. It was good. Still not ready for a sponsor and feel that I don't have a problem compared to the others in the room. That is not good. There is some internal concern that I may be setting myself up to fail by not following the rules exactly. The thing is, if I were to drink again it would only disappoint a handful of people and the rest would be happy to have "me" back. Speaking of that, sat and had some tea after the meeting with one of those people who would be disappointed and it was nice. I hate to admit it, but she does make it worth it kind of, but I realize I am walking a line that could lead to dreaded co-dependence. I am going to check out some information on co-dependence so I stop throwing it around in my head because admittedly, I don't know shit about it.

Anyway, feel like I am on an island today. Wednesdays have been bad for some reason. I'll have to figure that out. I should enjoy being an island and maybe will in the future, but right now it's horrible. Drinking doesn't fix it, though. That I know. Think of Point A and Point B. If Point A is lonely and miserable, having a drink will take you to Point A.5, which doesn't exist unless you are in a Steve Erickson novel. You will eventually make it to Point B and if you are lucky, things will only be as bad as they were when you started, but typically they are worse and you've taken a few steps back and run the risk of falling in to that cycle. Lived it. The thing you have to hold on to is knowing that things will get better and life will work out. It may not be enjoyable, but you have to accept responsibility and accept the pain and absorb it and file it away where it belongs when you have properly understood why you feel that way and learned from that feeling. Drinking is a cop out. Don't get me wrong, I had a nice time, but I kind of ran with it and took advantage of it and kind of lost that privilege.

Well, today's blog kind of sucks. At least I have a defined relationship that I am working with and don't need an alarm clock to wake up at 6:00 in the morning. That's kind of key because I have nothing but a bed and a dresser to move into my apartment. Not even the alarm clock.

Days not even halfway over and I have no idea how I am going to get through it. Going to try and just bury myself in work.