Reaching the unreachable

Made it through yesterday much better than I thought I would have. Went to dinner with a friend and it got my mind off of stuff for a while. It's bullshit that I should need other people to deal with some of this crap, but I guess I'm just not that cool. It's a hard transition moving from being accountable to someone for every action to being accountable to no one. I have to admit, I kind of miss talking to the same person every day or every night. Wants and needs again.

Made it to counseling this morning. Here is what we are working on: previous relationship/marriage, other relationship (not dating or anything, just a friendship thing), a superiority complex, high standards (being attractive is not good enough by itself), and being alone. With the other topics besides being alone looking like pretty strong factors that will lead to me being alone for a while. Hopefully, soon I will normalize and figure out things that I like to do, who I want to be and who I am. I have no answer to any of those things at this point.

So, at the place I go for counseling there is an Autism center for kids and it really puts into perspective why I shouldn't bitch and complain about my situation. I am probably better off in the long run getting a divorce. Eventually, I will find someone who won't take a shot at me when I'm not looking. Even if that doesn't happen, at least I will have the opportunity to stay out of harm's way. I have control to a certain degree over what happens to me. The people at the autiism center don't have that luxury. When I am lonely on a Friday or Saturday night or frustrated that I can't take the edge off with a drink or even sleep, I can eventually resolve those conflicts or just take a handful of Tylenol PM and start over the next morning. They have been dealt a much more difficult situation to deal with. It would probably do me good to do some volunteer work, I guess. Just really wish the best for those people.

Finally, today I realized that I am still not content or in a stable place. Not like going to do anything stupid, but just not totally happy or satisfied with everything. That day will come I'm sure of it. I just need to wait politely and contently for it to come. I still have no idea what shape or form it will come in, but I am okay with waiting for it. It just better be worth it or I will be pissed. Maybe it will be a dog, probably not a fish or anything. Christ, it could be a taco for all I know.