22% Is Not That Bad

Ummmm, so yesterday was like the best pool day in two years. Not one Asian kid feigned a drowning and I had my iPod at the perfect volume to drown everything in the world out of my head. Yeah, the day started weird. Check this. It really happened.

I woke up at 8:00 AM and put a pot of perfect coffee on. The previous night I even bought half and half at the grocery store during my homemade pudding pop project. Sidenote: Flan pudding pops. I'm serious. I have all the materials, but totally lost interest Saturday night and then Sunday was a blur and is what I'm talking about right now, however it's going to happen. I will invent the flan pop. Take that Bill Cosby.

So, at 8:00 AM, I fire up my laptop and start auditing reports from work. I got through 58 out of 259. Not exactly stellar, but it took four hours. While I was doing it, my neighbor's kid walked in front of my sliding glass door and started pogo sticking for what felt like three hours. It's the most godawful sound you have ever heard. He's going through a thing where he calls me "Uncle Hugh" now and likes to attack me with lightsabers, play whiffle ball with me and also drive a remote control car repeatedly into my sliding glass door when I work after work. It scares the bejebus out of me, but I'm getting used to it. His dad gave me a chair for in front of my apartment and he walked up and said "That chair used to be my mom's. She died." Seriously?!?!?! So, the lil guy and I have talks sometimes. He's a really good kid, he's just a handful. He's been suburban camping lately in front of our apartments. I'm pretty sure a homeless guy is living in his tent about now.

So, after work, at about noon, I rolled out to the pool. It's straight up wife beater weather. I'm a huge fan of it. I laid by the pool for what was like five hours and drank about 12 beers. It was seriously the best pool day in two years. I'd occasionally field texts from the kickboxing, 112 pound girl from Friday night. We exchanged about 80 texts since Friday. I found out that she is serving community service for a felony, but chose not to ask her what she did. She has good taste in music and a good sense of humor. I think she's really young and lives with her parents, so totally my type. I'm like a hetero, non-child molesting Michael Jackson. Wait...that's just normal.

So, my neighbor invited me to a lobster dinner on him because I had achieved uncle status, but I told him that I was good by the pool falling asleep. So I slept listening to an awesome playlist and was jostled awake by my other neighbor when they got back. He let me know that I got some color. Everyone seemed like they were getting perpetually wasted. I knew that it was on when my one neighbor yelled "Where are the strippers?!" and I had to tell him to be quiet and quit being disrespectful, it's the only way that they know to make money and if he would like to be around the strippers he should go to the titty bar or leave dollar bills around his front door like Elliot did with Reese's Pieces in E.T.

So, after pitching the world's gnarliest knuckle ball while holding a beer and a smoke during a whiffle ball game against my neighbor's two kids, I found myself sitting in front of my apartment with the screen door open listening to Otis Redding with my shirt off. As white trash as it felt, it was a moment. I looked at my personal trainer neighbor that was about to fall into a gimlet coma and just let him know that "This was the shit, dude." It was seriously like the best pool day ever in an individual sense. I've had better pool days when I had a partner in crime, but as an individual, this was up there.

Brace yourself, it's going to be one of those weeks. I hate it.