Hugh's (Imp)Lamenting

So, first off, there may have been a San Diego related shoe casualty. Should know by tonight, but will have to pull out the leather food and the shoe shining kit or go to the airport to get them shined. That's the only place I ever get my shoes shined.

Second off, it has recently been brought to my attention that I occasionally engage in games of chance against a rigged deck and loaded dice. I know better, but even when the dealer looks over to me and whispers "Dude, the game is rigged," I naively jump into the game thinking that there just may be a chance that I can beat the deck or the roll of dice. It's either brazen arrogance or misguided hope and faith.

Regardless, I lose. I'm not a sore loser at all and instead look for a silver lining in the form of an experience to file away and either remember wistfully or learn from. More often the latter doesn't stick, but like I said to a friend "If you throw enough pasta at the wall, it will stick and be done eventually, right?" He just responded that he had heard me say that before. He had.

After some introspecting, it may be a result of some good/bad advice delivered from an ex in the words of "You are a really good guy. You just need to open yourself up to someone at least once and you never do." It's really a question of timing. Every time I do, I take a pummeling and every time I don't, someone gets hurt and even hateful and malicious sometimes and then I feel remorse for what I did to them and question if I did actually care about them. It's a mindfuck.

Perhaps, against a standard deck these rules would apply or at least have a better chance, however, in my history, I do it on the wrong hands. Again, a question of timing. Eventually, it will work and to tell the truth, I take the blame. I've got work to do before I'm ready to ruin anyone else's life that puts trust in me. That's for damn sure, but it'd be nice to get a break and have a fair chance. I mean, christ, I see ugly people couple up. I see douche bags with hot girlfriends who are total dicks to them and just don't get it. Then again, it could be my standards. Again, taking the blame on that. All I need is a blonde girl who is super intelligent, hot and has a British accent. I'd even settle for a Welsh accent. Too much to ask?

I'll tell you what I don't want: your girlfriend or wife. I'm so over that shit. Why do girls do that? It just makes everything so complicated. Also, dudes shouldn't do it either. No one should do it. This coming from a guy who won't mix his food up on his dinner plate and will instead work around it eating it in modules. It's an anti object-oriented philosophy of eating. So, to apply that to life, I'd prefer something much more of a procedural philosophy than object-oriented dating. Files are meant to be shared, not people. That's for the nerds.

Yes, I've had a fair chance and blown it, but am doing my best to make some life changes so that when the opportunity arises I'll be ready. Waiting for something good to happen is kind of a dumb state of mind, though. Waiting, in general, is just a waste of time. Need to be a doer, not waiter.

Anyway, I did go to lunch with an ex yesterday who is now engaged and doing very well. I also have the respect for her current situation to remain hands-off, but still pick up the bill for lunch. She provides a lot of insight into how I got here while also giving me the opportunity for some minuscule amount of atonement. It's all I'll ever really be able to get. Even with an assistant, it would take me a while to work my way back to the origins of the darkness that lurked in my heart as a young man.

I'll admit, I do find pleasure in doing nice things for deserving individuals, however, I do find pleasure in verbally destroying those that deserve it, as well. I just need a few moments to find your center or your weakness and will work my way out of it until you've really grown to dislike my company in a social situation. It's your fault, though. Also, I'm working on knocking that bit out of my personality due to its unproductiveness outside of selfish entertainment. It would be nice to flip it and find the goodness rather than the weakness in others and expand on that. That's borderline idealism, though. It also opens yourself up to disappointment when you come up blank on the goodness in an individual.

So, again, got my markers out and staring at a pretty blank whiteboard trying to figure out what to implement next. I'm starting with a list on the right side of the board with a list of "Not-To-Dos" and will just work my way back. I also put a hand drawn penis on there, so I knew it was my list. Also, trust me, the "Not-To-Dos" list is fucking hilarious and most of it has already happened at least once. That's how you know not-to-do it. It's the multiple offenders that are the motherfuckers.