Declaration of Independent Wealth or Accept Me and My Monkey

It's colder than normal in the shadows this morning. It's just something that I noticed on the way in to work while I pondered what I would do if I suddenly became independently wealthy. I mean, I guess I could write a web page in PageMaker and use it as my record label headquarters and then tell people that I had a record label. Or, perhaps, I could just buy really expensive shoes and start throwing birthday parties for friends at nightclubs that I rent out and promote with misspelled handbills. Instead, I think I would probably just fight crime or what I perceive as crime.

I'd be like the misguided Greatest American Hero where I'm just kind of fighting crime. My arch enemy would be navy blue pleated pants. NBPP would lure me to a live taping of Wheel of Fortune at an Applebee's in Fresno where the live audience is made up of people doing word searches with Jack Johnson tour shirts on while they piped in music by The Eagles and it smelled like microwaved fish. As soon as I was lured into the place and realized what I was up against I would just put my hands up and say "Dude, you win. Seriously. I'm done." and escape to Mexico to give quad tours that I make up as I go.

Every HughVoltage quad tour would be different. Some days my pet monkey may be sick and we won't be able to do our prerehearsed banana trick to impress our customers. Other days, you may hear the story of the Mayan temple of Voltron about the five lions of Xialtan. Another day you may hear about how Steve Perry from Journey invented Unix programming code in his garage while recording Frontiers to facilitiate the use of photos in video game faces. Finally, one day I will probably tell my customers how I invented the Interrobang punctuation mark and also miniature golf. So, that's the plan. Just me and a monkey and a beard until I get old or Joan Wilder finds me and needs me to help her on her way to Cartegena to find her kidnapped sister and adventure along the way.

Man, that's not too bad of a plan if I'm ever fortunate enough to become independently wealthy. I suppose if I get off my ass on one of these Saturdays and invent adhesive cheese ("AdCheesive"), I could do just that, as well as revolutionize the art of burrito making. Square fuckin' tortillas wrapped like presents with AdCheesive. I've seen the future and it's beautiful.

I just wrote that during a WebEx. Multi-tasking - It's what's for breakfast.