Bi-Icarius

So, I try to keep the blog as honest and unincriminating as possible, so here it goes.

Since Easter some internal wiring has been crossed which caused me to ultimately fly a little too close to the sun (bender) last Sunday. Kind of appropriate, right? Sun and Sunday. I'm not sure I know what caused it, but most of the time even knowing why doesn't help at all.

My sister, in a Monday phone conversation, was like "What do we need to do to fix you?" and I could only respond that "It's not a switch or a simple solution. It's not a matter of taking a pill. It's not a matter of not getting enough vitamin D in my diet. It's something wrong that I need to work out and that's pretty much that." I could get into the tortured soul references and the self-hatred right here, but that's really last year's problem.

There is no easy way to go about it, but I do recognize that something is not quite right. The problem is that I've mastered the art of fakery and can convince almost anyone that I'm having a great time and the funniest man alive, but to each positive there is a negative and that stuff starts to build up in some horrible self-destructive stockpile that has to be let out at some time. It seems the longer I keep it hidden, the worse it is when it comes out and what makes it come out is gargantuan doses of booze which knock down the floodgates and result in me taking out whatever comes close. The good news is that then all of that stuff is gone, however, more than not it's replaced with regret and guilt and a pile of "Sorry Cards."

I met a girl once that said she didn't believe in regret or remorse. She had to have been lying or delusional. I'm pulling towards the delusional argument on that girl, but she was cute as hell. Just a little crazy and untruthful. She had a hankering for liquor store bought gay Mexican porn among other things, but she was one of the most beautiful girls I have ever met on the outside. Anyone would've fallen for it.

Anyway, a lot of reconstruction has been going on and a lot of way too deep and honest phone calls with family members that are covering some topics that no one should ever talk about and instead just leave buried. The mom and son talk covered areas that I don't ever want to go to again. I made her cry a lot. We have an interesting past for sure, but it's never good to make your mom cry. I'm 33 years old now and she is going to be 50 and we still haven't figured our shit out. I think it's about time for both of us to either let it go or deal with it. It's a really weird dynamic.

On top of that, it has been a parade of exes and pseudo exes that have just added to stirring the pot. It's been stirred in a nice atoney way, but nonetheless stirred. It's like that anxiety that you feel before an awesome event that you know is coming. It's not that different than the anxiety that you feel before something bad is going to happen. Excitement and dread look the same on paper. It's like how an intervention looks like a surprise birthday party through a sliding glass door or how crying looks like laughing from far away.

One girl, "The Girl," provided some humbling and appreciated semi-closure. I was shocked to receive an e-mail from her. SHOCKED. It brought up some stuff that I had kind of put to rest, though. A particular Minus The Bear song, a barely avoided misplaced car tire barreling down 101 that narrowly missed the car that we were driving in, the world's most disturbing family barbecue ever and the last lunch that we had where the writing was on the wall, but I refused to read it even though both parties having lunch must have known what was obvious. They are just memories. That's all. The connection was undeniable, though...at first. All's well that ends, though, and I really hope she is doing well. I really liked her a bunch, but I can vouch for myself and say that I wasn't even close to being able to handle anything in that situation and that there is no one to blame. Stuff happens the way it happens and sometimes it's supposed to happen that way. Kismet, if you will.

The other ex met me for lunch and gave me perspective on both how much of an asshole I can be and also what a good person I can be. I even tried to be her boyfriend for a little bit, but couldn't do it. Not boyfriend material or just scared of destroying something is kind of the issue about that. I look forward to having lunch with her now when she's in town because it just feels like a really good friendship once you remove the slumber party aspect from it and replace it with a sandwich or something. She's good people and I wholeheartedly support her new found relationship. She deserves it after dealing with what she had to deal with. I mean, if a girl ever punches you in the face in public, you probably hurt her feelings by saying something shitty or blocked her leg when she tried to kick you in the crotch for saying something shitty. Pro tip. Also, there is no such thing as sex without consequence and if you have found it, you are doing it wrong or with the wrong person. Pro tip II.

The other ex just ended up talking me off the ledge awhile back. She's doing well, too and I'm glad she is. She could tell you some stories definitely. She has seen it all when it comes to this bitch.

So, there is no reason for any of my close friends who read this to be scared or make some phone call to see if I'm doing okay. I'm doing fine. I'm just in some need of some remodeling of outlook. I'm starting very basic with eating and sleeping and hiding from wood consuming animals. Koalas will fuck you up. Don't be fooled by their cuddly appearance and I assure you that cute things that consume wood, but will fuck you up is no metaphor. I don't think life is really that diffficult, I just think that at times it can be taken too seriously. Also, everything is fine. Swear.