Altered States of America

Ummm, because I'm a jackass, I had a couple of beers after soccer last night on the sole grounds that I was awesome. Other people's words not mine. We even lost 2 - 0, but there was some spider monkey shit in there and I seriously blocked three shots and strained a throat muscle on one shot attempt. I have to admit that it was pretty impressive for an old man to be pulling that shit off and when a person tees up on a ball and gets anime eyes as you jump across them and stop their shot, there is no better face of disappointment.

So, anyway, to the dismay of all of those people that care about me that read this (3 people), I went to a bar that I used to drink at to drink White Russians, sing karaoke and not pay for anything. Honestly, I walked in with a wedding shirt that said "Big Mistake" and a pair of sweatpants and before I could get a drink or take a piss, I was singing "Jump" by Van Halen and doing the shoulder back step like DLR in the video. It was pretty awesome. I felt missed it had been a while.

So, anyway, Persian chick was there. It was good to see her. I'll skip all the good stuff, but by the end of the night she said this, "Fuck you, [Hugh], I hate you." I was explaining the situation to her with all the omitted details that we don't need to go over in the blog because she would not be pleased, but basically I administered some bitter medicine to a nerdcrush that she was kind of in the sights of and had no idea. How did I know? I had a crush on her for like two weeks. You can see it in the tard's eyes. So, yeah, we had it out, which seriously is when I'm the best.

So, we're having it out on the cell phone which she is not in anymore (she made a comment about that) and I look behind me when a flashlight beam hits the back of my head. No, not lost Boy Scouts, but two cops. It was okay because things were resolving and Persian chick was realizing that I was right about a few things and actually encouraged her pursuing a real relationship with a real dude who was successful and cool and tall.

Anyway, I looked at the cops and said, "You guys have nothing. I have no car, no bike and I'm really not doing anything wrong besides being kind of an asshole" and they said, "Just take it inside and have a safe night." Hands down one of the best cop and Hugh interactions of all time.

So, destroyed some relationships and recovered others. Rolled into work three hours late on the bike (not a motorcycle) and feel fucking fantabulous. I'm scared to death of going under the knife on a local anesthetic tomorrow morning, but I suppose it's going to be just like going to the dentist and my life has been fucked up enough that I find the dentist calming. So, we're good. Real good.