Momly Things

Ummm. I outdid myself for Mother's Day this year. I got my mom a Josh Ritter CD (good call D), a DVD of Camelot, and All Families Are Psychotic by Douglas Coupland. It could have gone real bad, but she seemed to have a sense of humor about it.

The inspiration to purchase her the book came at about 1:45 at a karaoke bar in the Marina. My little sister was out back on the patio crying as my mom danced with dudes and did whatever she could to mortify any type of childesque thing in the vicinity.

I just turned my back to the whole thing and tried to ignore it as cute girl after cute girl said "That's your mom?" It wasn't in a good way. It was in a way that someone would point to a dog that had just been hit by an ice cream truck and say "That's your dog?" It's really the question mark on the end of it that denotes the lack of awesome.

Anyway, I went out and comforted my sister and sent my mom away when she came out by saying "Mom, you're just going to make it worse. Go home. We'll meet you there." Total role reversal for me. I'm usually on the other end of that statement.

After my mom had left, I rallied my little sister and took her to IHOP and continued our discussion. I explained to her that sometimes you have to let your parents go or just accept them as they are, but you can't let them get to you. Yeah, it sucks to not have something matriarchal in your life. It sucks to not have a "mom." It sucks to have someone that thinks momly things are going out in the city and getting wasted and partying. Momly things should be home cooked meals, advice on life, nurturing, sewing, or some version of domestication. It shouldn't be the constant enablement and promotion of self-destruction. By the end of the conversation, we came to the concensus that she doesn't know that she's hurting you, so it's more of a manslaughter charge than a murder charge.

So, I cut out of the city at 3:00 AM and got home to safety. The next night I got a call on my cell phone, but didn't answer due to a self-sanctioned media blackout. I sometimes put those into effect when I need to recharge and just don't feel like talking to anyone. I checked the message and it was some fuckin' dude named Marty or Randy or something and he goes "J...Hugh, that's a really funny message. I'm hanging out with your mom in the city and I can't wait to meet you."

Uh, what the fuck, guy?! I'm getting drunk dialed by randoms that are with my mom? It's bad enough when you get drunk dialed by your mom, but by dudes she's with? Yeah, I hope I meet that fuckin' guy and the whole time I'm going to call him fuckin' dad and tell him how happy I am that I'm going to have a new daddy. I will come out and actually say that I would rather watch an ex-girlfriend make out with a dude than have to hear about my mom's dates. Scratch that. I would rather watch a sex tape of an ex and her boyfriend than hear about my mom's dates.

So, yes, she is a person. Yes, she should be able to date people. Yes, she should observe the don't ask, don't tell policy that all parents should live by. This whole thing just makes me feel five years old. I have mutual funds and track my budget in Quicken. I shouldn't feel five. I have a Darth Vader mask in the closet and a stormtrooper holding my toothbrush. Maybe I should feel five.