Jean Clad Van Diamond

According to the ticker on the news this morning, David Archuleta came in second on American Idol. In other news, stage dad beatings have increased Archuleta% in the last 24 hours. His relationship with his dad resembles that of a young Ike and Tina or a young Jessica, Ashlee and Joe Simpson threeway. God, that guy is gross and none of us are looking forward to the release of that sex tape.

To be honest, I absolutely lost interest in Idol this year and last year as it's becoming advanced karaoke and the songlist never changes just like karaoke at a Peppermill. It never moves forward like classic rock radio. It just sits there. Staring at you. Begging for help without saying so. Begging for help by looking at you sadly.

A discussion about Idol, however, pushed friends and I to the Neil Diamond episode that I do kind of wish that I had watched because Neil Diamond is like the Jewish Elvis. This discussion lead us down the path of Neil Diamond impersonations as a judge over beer and tacos and that lead to the idea of the karaoke mash-up.

I've done one karaoke mash-up in the past and it sounded horrible and my ex told me that she thought that I looked like I was going to have an accident while I did it. It was "Hit Me One More Time" in the style of Michael McDonald. It was physically taxing to perform and the payoff was marginal.

Now, last night when the peanut butter hit the chocolate, it was myself professing that I planned on having a dream last night of a beautiful parallel universe where Michael Jackson became a brilliant Quincy Jonesesque producer married to a white ex-actress with half white kids on The Office. That's right. Halpert's ex is The Original Dude's daughter.

In this parallel universe, Van Halen still breaks up, but they replace David Lee Roth with Neil Diamond in an unprecedented move not seen since Queen reunited with Paul Rodgers from Bad Company on vocals. What a WTF?! moment that was. Anyway, this got me to thinking about singing "Jump" by Van Halen in the style of Neil Diamond. Believe it or not, most of it worked in the shower this morning whilst I was shaving my chest. The only thing is that it's kind of so awesome that I don't want to just share it with just anyone. It'd be like cutting cheese and salami for a Saturday noontime snack with a fucking lightsaber. I want to hog it all to myself and use it for my own enjoyment. It's my karaoke supernova that shall never be shared with anyone due to sheer awesomenacity. So, yeah, the dream was like that dream that Lionel Richie has in "Say You, Say Me."


Finally, as part of the Hatebook development project, we are at work on an app that let's people that you've hooked up with add you as a mutual hatee and start a hater group devoted to you. You will never see who they are because your ID blocks you from knowing or joining. You will, however, receive a "rhating." This fuckin' thing is getting brillianter by the day. Might I add that instead of automatically getting a "Tom" as a friend like on myspace, you will automatically get Jerry O'Connel as your first hatee. Why? Because it was my idea. So, sit down or I'm going to see your O'Connel and raise you a "fiddle guy from Dave Matthews" and "Jack Johnson."

Have a wonderful day if I haven't told you to yet and by the way, you look simply stunning.
-HV