Open Letter To Your Husband

Dear co-worker woman's husband,
Please pay more attention to your wife. I think she may feel neglected at home because she won't stop talking to me about a ten year old's baseball pictures, going to the grocery store, something else, too, but I kind of tuned out.

Shouldn't it be your job to tune out? I mean, we call her my work wife at work, but that's just because she provides the cards for me to sign when it's someone's birthday at the office. She picks up the gift and I pay her. She also will book travel for me when we need to travel. Also, occasionally, she will provide home cooking for me which is very nice. So, I do get some of the wifely benefits.

Oh, I also made out with your sister-in-law at some type of social gathering at your house, but it was not my idea. I also sternly denied her when she tried to get me into the hot tub naked. I felt that was a bit brash having just met her two hours prior to her making that statement. It was really kind of a cougar attack.

I also probably need to apologize for being a part of scarring your child for a few chapters in his life I would imagine. Seeing your aunt behave like that has got to be weird. I think she got me because I was flattered when she called me a "Young Stud." It makes you feel less old.

Plus, when she faded the successful lawyer to make out with me, it felt like some kind of winning underdog teen drama. Sometimes I think people make out just to be part of some type of Penthouse Forum moment. On the other hand, sometimes they are just bombed. I'm sure the successful lawyer felt distraught on his way to his way too big home in his convertible Jag as he passed my 1998 Honda Civic. What a piece of shit.

Anyway, there are some things that you can do to help me out and I can help you out, as well. This can be mutually beneficial. I have no problem with your wife talking to me, but it's the stuff about the child that gets to me. For instance, I was talking about some Rooney To Ronaldo retarded goal and she related it to your son's soccer game. So, Manchester United vs. AYSO? Are you serious?! The only reason anyone is out there is because their fuckin' kid is playing. It's boring as shit. If anyone is watching youth sports and their kid isn't playing, I would encourage you to look them up on Megan's list.

So, I'll talk to her about cooking, work, where to eat, tv shows and movies and anything related to stuff like that. Your job is to talk about the boy. I hate to say it, but unless pudding starts shooting out of his ears or he can conjure up some plans for a working lightsaber, I'm just not that interested in anything that he does.

So, that's the deal. Thanks for listening.
-HughVoltage