Pro Tip #42A Article 27 Subsection 45

Don't go into work on a Tuesday morning and skip coffee and then out of the blue decide to Google "Hobo Clowns." You will find things like a Clown Ministry. They sell fucking shirts that say "God Made Clowns Just For Laughs." The ironic thing about the shirt is that it's not funny...AT ALL. It should say "God made Clowns to Frighten Children. Oh, and also to kill you while you sleep." I'm afraid to dig any deeper into that site after checking out the clown history, but go ahead and knock yourself out. There is a tutorial for budding clowning enthusiasts and future Megan's Law website members.

Megan's Law invented social networking. It grouped people by location and hobbies. The registration process is a little more rigid than other social networking websites, though. It's not really one that you want to actively try to be a part of.

We used to play a game at work where we looked up each other's last names and addresses on Fridays and then the unthinkable happened. We found someone who we worked with on the site. It was put away very quickly and the game was never played again. It was like a bad Ouija board session at a slumber party or finding glamour shots of your mom when you are looking for old porn underneath your parents' bed. It's traumatic.

Oh shit. Here is a link to clowns for hire. My question after looking at this is Would you ever hire a clown without seeing what it looked like? Again, clown of faith ministry mention. I've really missed some type of religious phenomenon, haven't I? I was already freaked out enough by Willie "Buddy From Charles in Charge" Aames becoming BibleMan and then Kirk "Mike Seaver" Cameron championing the rapturelicious Left Behind series. Spreading the word of the lord in grease paint just doesn't sound very awesome at all. It really makes name tags and ten speeds look a little more appetizing.

Seriously, how can these horny for rapture religious people even come close to speaking out against militant Muslims that will sacrifice themselves for their religous cause? They basically have the same beliefs in lands of personal milk and honey (virgins vs. relatives?) just non-Muslims want someone else to do it for them. The commonality exists in the fact that they are not enjoying their current life and are more interested in something better when this all ends. Listening to my grandmother talk these days is seriously what you would imagine a suicide bomber talking about at his sister's fifteenth birthday. Just nonchalant end of the world type of shit, but in a way that is looking forward to it. She is absolutely convinced that the end is near and everything will be better when her and her Mormon faithfuls go to Mormon Heaven. It actually is a little scary. Speaking of scary, back to clowns.

Oh my god. Surprise someone by putting this makeup on and hiding in the backseat of their car. Or, even better, jump out of their closet when they get home from work. Give someone the gift of peeing themselves in fear as a hobo clown surprises them.

Okay, dude. What the fucking fuck is this?!?!? Stop Clown Porn Now Dot Org. I didn't even read it. I just kind of stared at it and I'm really hoping it is some kind of inside joke that came about after like a hundred beers on a camping trip. Oh my god. It's just a joke. I seriously would not put it past some fuckin' retards in the MidWest of recognizing clowns in pornography as the reasons that their kids are obese and banding together behind the cause. The meetings would be at a buffet as they strategize how to stop clown porn related child obesity while their children put fucking chocolate sauce and frozen yogurt on their fried chicken nachos and chase it down with a deep fried milkshake. From above, the meeting would look like a bingo armed octopus.

As a sick and twisted side note. I've seen a clown in porn. It's disturbing. It's in Michael Ninn's New Wave Hookers V and was "borrowed" about three years ago by a friend. Nobody ever borrows porn and gives it back to you. Pro tip.