It's The Most Wonderful Time

So, Christmas time. I've been off for what feels like a week. It's only Tuesday. I've been trying to keep busy by buying things for people and a frame for myself to put a picture on the wall. I've been staying up late and was so bored that I watched Alien Nation last night until one in the morning. The movie sucks, but I had no idea that Jane's Addiction's cover of Sympathy For The Devil was used in the alien strip bar scene and I really like that the aliens get wasted from rotten milk. Honestly, James Caan's best performance since Sonny in the Godfather.

I was just sitting outside my apartment having a smoke and pondering a little bit of everything. I ponder when I smoke and that's probably why I still smoke so that I can ponder some. To tell the truth it's been kind of a crappy year for a lot of people I know or knew. One of them got sentenced to four months in jail today. They deserved it, but it still sucks around Christmas, but these things have no sense of time. One of the worst nights of my life to date happened on my 30th birthday in Vegas. These things are not planned. I guess you could call them surprises. I guess the key is to not be scared of what is in your future and to not be scared of trust even when it feels like everyone wants to take a piece out of you when all you want is a safe place to rest your head and someone to tell you it's all going to be all right even when they are watching your car get towed away outside the window and know that you don't have underwear to wear to work the next day. It's worth it for the brief moment of feeling secure, loved and at peace.

My point is this, if five years ago you walked up to me and said don't get married because it is going to result in a year of pain, feelings of betrayal and feelings that some would define as depression and loneliness, I would still have gotten married. I mean, to tell the truth that's exactly what I thought marriage was about at the time because of my experience with it up to that point. So, I would still get married even believing this would be the outcome. Of course, I would be assuming with blind faith that there would also be times of walking in the rain and then getting inside the apartment and holding each other close to warm up. I would assume that there would be times when I was unemployed and felt lost and someone gave me the confidence that I needed to keep on fighting and not give up hope. I would assume that there would be times when I got to help someone else get through a time when they felt like the world was going to end everyday. I would assume there would be someone to calm and hold at three in the morning when they woke up from a horrible dream and thought they were paralyzed when their arm was asleep. Lastly, a warm lap to lay my head in at the end of the day when the day kicked my ass with a pointless conversation sprinkled on top. Through all of that I may have fooled myself into believing that maybe everything would actually work and last forever. Would I do it again? There is no answer to that question yet.

Crazy Five Year Olds

I just got off the phone with my dad. We hadn't talked in a couple of months. He is miserable and debating a third divorce. Not fun talk. It makes me unhappy. To paraphrase a friend or at least a friend of a friend I need to get over my dad-shit or it's going to ruin my life.

He left when I was five and it still kind of bothers me. My gut reaction as a well traveled five year old (I had recently run away to Long John Silver's in Manteca with a penny to buy dinner for the family and the therapist says that that speaks volumes about the way my personality developed) was to destroy and rip apart all of my Star Wars figures, records and record player. A little crazy destructive five year old who had recently become the man of the house. I guess that is when the cracks started to show. Still, to this day, I will check to make sure that the doors are locked in any house that I am in before I go to bed. I always know.

Now, this may seem crazy, but I don't think that little shit has ever left me. There is some duality going on internally and I suspect, he is the one screwing everything up. Just when I think I have it dialed in and have figured out how to be content if not even happy, he starts to move stuff around in my head leaving messes for me to constantly clean up. Or, even more subtle things so I don't even know that I am in the middle of a huge mess at all. It's like taking the batteries out of someone's remote or leaving their car window down inthe middle of a rainstorm. It's not too much, but just enough. He is the yin to my cartoon angel on the shoulder yang, constantly battling any good that I find and want to exploit. This could be why I have trouble sleeping.

Externally, I am riddled with fakery. I am a people pleaser and will say anything to manipulate someone or even hurt them for unconscious personal gains of some sort. I destroy things and hurt people without them even having any idea that it was me, in most cases. An emotional ninja who will flip out on you and then rock out on a guitar. Rocking out on guitar being an obvious trait of a well-schooled ninja. Another trait being Chinese stars or shurikens.

The fakery is who I want to be and the smoke and mirrors to distract from who I really am. That is why some can see right through it and spot the fakery right away. They know the comments are meant to appease and are miles from genuine. It has gotten to the point where I don't even really know what's real or fake anymore. I may really like you or I may just be faking it because I don't want to upset you. I don't want to upset anyone, ever.

It would all be great if it satisfied me somehow, but it just lays layers and layers of guilt on me that have to be continually peeled back to make me comfortable with myself when I am alone. Somebody told me that my problem is that I don't value myself and put myself at risk constantly for some reason as if I am daring myself to fuck up. Other people have made me feel like a fuck up lying in wait in any given social situation, especially with booze involved. That combined with utter self-absorption mixed with a fear of saying or doing something to hurt someone leaves me feeling like a Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde type entity. So, when I get home today I will do my best to leave my box of Star Wars figures intact and see that as a step in the right direction of personal growth. I'm a laugh riot today.

Maslow's Hierarchy Vs. The Millenium Falcon

It's no secret that I am fascinated with time travel. Yeah, it could be used to go back in time and fix atrocities that societies have experienced throughout history, however, I'm pretty sure that anything that got fixed would just create more problems. All those horrible events in history, we supposedly learned from and had they not happened, we would be doomed to make the mistakes anyway because they had to happen in order for us to develop the tools we need to avoid them in the future. At least, we are supposed to.

Of course, I would use it to go back in time and see the Commodores play live and probably go to the US festival to see Van Halen play. Another good use would be to go back to 1978 on a Saturday and watch cartoons and then maybe go pick up some awesome vinyl and a really nice hi-fi. This all looks good on paper, but what if you never moved beyond those wants and needs from the past? Would you truly be able to move forward into your adult life. It would be like being 30 and still wanting that Millenium Falcon or Evel Kneivel wind up toy that you put on layaway at Mervyn's. Or, the guy who goes out and gets a kickass El Camino this year and leans on the tailgate smoking cigarettes while he listens to Bad Company in the parking lot at work. Let it go. Check the baggage and never claim it when you get to your destination. Just walk away. You have to let these things go to evolve into an adult and develop wants and needs for new, adult things. I think these adult things are babies, cars, houses and other things like that.

According to Maslow's hierachy of needs, the Millenium Falcons and Cabbage Patch Kids develop into Physical, Security, Social, Ego and Self-Actualization. In order to get to self-actualization, the other needs must be satisfied first. Seems easy. Air, water, food seems like a no brainer. It should be like the 200 points on the SAT for writing your name, but what the fuck do you do when this is your stumbling block? You are pretty much getting your shoelace stuck on the starting block when the starter pistol goes off. Peers and contemporaries start to pull away, leaving you far behind with one shoe untied. To compound the problem, say you start backwards and work from the top down. It would be like building the roof of a house first, which makes it nearly impossible to build a sturdy foundation to support that roof and everything just falls apart.

On the other hand, say that you take the time to go back and get all of those things that you wanted, which to a child or teen seem like needs. Tickle-Me-Elmo's were the equivalent of air and water for many kids a few years ago and in their eyes, these were needs. All you had to do to see evidence of this was look down an aisle in a toy store and see the mom or dad trying to drag a crying kid out of the aisle. Or, for the teen example, you go back and make out with Alyssa Milano from Who's The Boss and imagine how pissed Tony Danza is going to be when he finds out. This also probably leads to the adult behaviors that you can see in front of a Fry's the night before the X Box 360 comes out. The thing is, these guys did get and still have that Millenium Falcon. They probably still play with it, too. So, you fulfill those needs in a modern setting with the same desire even though, the boxes smell stale and the same luster is not physically there, but you see it. It would be like dating Erin Gray now and seeing her as she was on Buck Rogers. People would look at you like you were dating an old lady, but in your eyes she would be walking around in a white jumpsuit and heels. Would this give you closure and allow you to move out your state of self-imposed-frozen-in-time-crutch?

I tried to think of anything that I wanted in high school that I didn't get and I think it would break down to the Seve Vai signature Ibanez. They only made 777 of them and each one was numbered and signed by Steve Vai. They had a DiMarzio PAF pickup on the neck and bridge and a single coil Dimarzio in the middle position. They were desert sun yellow and had a handle cut into the body. In retrospect, they were kind of horrid. The thing is, I remember one Christmas, my mom went above and beyond and tracked one of these down for me. I was probably 15 years old that Christmas. I had snuck around and found it under the bed in my parent's bedroom and my bedroom became like an ER waiting room while I paced waiting to get information on a loved one except my loved one was guaranteed to recover and have some kind of bionic super power in one week's time. Christmas morning, I was in no rush as I sauntered up to the tree and saw the guitar case and opened it up and found a pink, Japanese Fender strat inside. You could almost hear an audible Buwah-Buwah. I think that was the moment that I learned about sure things, as well as taking things for granted which I have excelled at ever since. I think the saying is never count your eggs before they have been cubed.

On top of everything, my mom had traded in my first guitar that I ever owned (a red BC Rich Warlock) to get the pink guitar, so you can probably sprinkle a little loss on top. I'm not playing a victim or feeling sorry for myself, those are pointless exercises of hurting yourself and people will wait in line for the chance to hurt you, so you really don't need to do the work or take the enjoyment away from them. Had I got the guitar that I wanted, my life would be no different. I am sure of this. I was 15 for chrissakes. That guitar was a little much for a guy who was having a hard time playing Smoke On the Water, which I think they are training monkeys to play right now. What I missed at the time and can see now is that I should have felt gratitude and love towards my mom trying real hard to get me what I wanted and then when that couldn't be done to try her best even though she was risking disappointing her spoiled brat kid. This would have set a foundation for building the second and third tiers of Maslow's pyramid, both the security and social part of it. Throw Christmas dinner underneath those and I would have been on track to be 60% there.

So, when you find that pair of shoes you have been looking for forever and the store has the wrong sizes and you try them on anyway, hoping they will fit, don't be pissed off that the shoes don't fit. Also, don't buy and wear the shoes that don't fit trying to trick yourself into believing that they are comfortable and they are for you. If they don't fit, they are not and never will be. Just be happy knowing that there is a pair of shoes out there somewhere that they make in your size and there is even a chance that you may find them. In the event that you don't find them, just be happy that they exist at all and that should give you the hope and faith you need to get through everything in between.

This is the point where you become aware that there are doers and sayers. The doers don't need to say anything and let their actions and their histories speak for themselves. Sayers have blogs.

This article is from AP and it is kinda awesome.

Sometimes you just have a really bad day..
Tue Nov 22,11:07 AM ET

A German man drank too much, wet his bed and set fire to his apartment while trying to dry his bedding, police in the western town of Muelheim said Monday.

"He was too drunk to go to the toilet," said a police spokesman. "The next morning he put a switched-on hairdryer on the bed to dry it and left the apartment." When the 60-year-old returned, his home and belongings were in flames.
Firemen eventually put out the blaze.

Just when you think it is safe to go back in the water...

What happens that makes bad feelings sneak up on you and kick your ass when you stop looking for them? Sitting here and I have had the best couple days of work in a while. Was seriously kicking ass and then it just started coming in waves. Started small and then a rogue wave hit me in the back of the head with a tire iron. Did I mention that I am not a strong swimmer due to my heritage.

So, I am sitting here trying to wade through it and affirmate myself out of it. There is really no reason for it. Things are pretty good. I haven't drank in a week. Obi Wan weekend which consisted of hiding out in my apartment for 48 hours was a grand success. I watched some movies, read a self-help book and got my computer back to pirate mode and things seemed pretty good. Got to work on Monday recharged and it felt great. I'm starting to think that since Wednesdays are my bad days, it's because this is a three day week and today is technically Wednesday. T-giving (not just another day) is starting to get to me, too, I think. Plus, on top of everything, I stumbled upon my marriage certificate in my car while trying to find an annoying squeak coming from the backseat. I need to move on. What's done's done and what'll be'll simply be. This week will be the test to see if I Wellbutrate for the rest of the holiday season. It has always been hard for me even when I am happy, so we'll see. Perhaps it is just mild seasonal affected disorder symptoms, but what do I know about any of that stuff? It's like Astrology in my eyes.

In other news, I have given my myspace password to someone which is basically like letting them see you naked. Wait...I guess it is the next step past that. Not bad for someone with severe trust issues.

Anyway, if I can't pull it together, I plan on driving my car to an old mill and gymnastic dancing. It worked for Kevin Bacon, why wouldn't it work for me? If that doesn't work I will have to buy a motorcycle and ride it past jets taking off and landing. If that doesn't work, I am going to have to fly a giant puffy dog around named Falkor. Obviously, I consider the present the Act II before my miraculous movie-style ending that I am planning on, to the point of watching rolling credits while I bask in my triumphant return to awesomeness. The only problem is that I know the sequel will probably be a bomb.

As a side note, I am really looking forward to Act III which will obviously be a montage of myself working towards awesomeness and it will either be set to Jukebox Hero by Foreigner or The Gentle Art of Making Enemies by Faith No More.

Found This

I found this spread in an old issue of Guitar World magazine with Steve Vai on the cover. It was from January of 1990 right when he got the Whitesnake job. I also was in the middle of doing the Steve Vai 10-hour guitar workout when I decided to post this. The clothes section is the best.

Plane Awesome

I just grabbed this article from SF Gate. I think he will get the award for excellence in dedication to the love of smoking in 2005. I am just wondering if the time he was sentenced was for the assault or the smoking. I get it for the assault, but for just smoking I figure a year ban and like a $200 fine. It looks like he smoked more than one, too. This guy is nuts. I wish there was more information about this/him. Is it right to throw mad props at him?

Now, cigarettes will get banned from planes, though. Watch. It will happen. Smokers are the last unrepresented and slandered minority in the United States. Where is the ACLU for us? You (the non-smoking American people) have pushed us out of your homes into the cold where we are forced to fend for ourselves while you sit inside breathing your warm clean air. We are people, too. Plus, it's common knowledge on the Inferweb that it is third-hand smoke that kills. Second hand smokers are the ones that should be feared. First hand smokers just smell bad and have yellow teeth.

Man Gets 15 Months for Smoking on Plane
Thursday, November 17, 2005

(11-17) 14:41
PST ATHENS, Greece (AP) --
A Greek court sentenced a man to 15 months in prison for smoking on a plane, and then hitting a male flight attendant who told him to put his cigarette out, court officials said Thursday.
The 50-year-old Greek resident of New York was also convicted of endangering the aircraft. He was traveling on Olympic Airlines Flight No. 412 from New York to Athens last week.
Flight attendants said the defendant had been smoking in the main passenger area of the plane and in the toilet.

The man, who remains free pending appeal, said a 45-minute delay in takeoff from New York had made him nervous.

Sweet Dreams Aren't Made of These

A running theme here is developing with dreams. Last night, after only two hours of sleep I awoke from a horrible dream where my ex was essentially dragging me through broken glass as I was tied behind a horse and cart like in an old western. I got back to sleep after a little bit and awoke with this dream on the tip of my brain.

I was in a spelling bee trying to spell "Hypocrite" and I just couldn't remember how to spell it. As I sat on stage sweating unerneath hot and bright lights I looked over at the judges with anxiety and pain from not knowing the answer. The judges were a husband and wife. The wife was a wine connoisseur, if not an afficonado of wine and the husband was a pot farmer, NRA member who had helped me find a jazz record at a four year old's birthday party on Labor Day and then listened to it with me on top of a washing machine. As they both stared at me, analyzing me, the anxiety built until I had to just completely drop out of the competition and give no answer at all. All of a sudden, there were no right answers to be given in the situation and it seemed like a better plan just to shut up and walk away. Then I woke up with no resolution to the dream situation. I tried to go back to sleep to find out what I had done, but there was no luck because my brain had already switched to work at that point.

Weird Dream

I had this dream last night that a Chinese man and his daughter knocked on my door. The little girl was holding a violin and was crying. I asked them what was wrong and the Chinese man said that his daughter was crying because she could not practice her violin because I was snoring too loud. I apologized and asked which apartment they lived in and he said that they lived above me. I thought about it for a second and then started yelling at him claiming that he had concrete feet and stomped around all the time and then he hung up the phone and disappeared. It was a dream so that would explain the transfer from the door to a phone call. Anyway, super weird. It may be coincidental, but Sunday I got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it. David Lynch is totally going to steal that scene from me, too.

I had my first two or three hour phone call since high school last night, too. That was different. It was nice and pulled me out of a funk a little bit. I would've been fine without it, but it was kind of like strawberries on angel food cake where the cake would be all right by itself, but it would be better with strawberries. Shaved onion might be good, too, but I had to let that go. It's for the best.

So one day...

...you wake up and realize you have slowly been destroying yourself. The smoking, sleep deprivation and not eating have slowly been deteriorating everything you ever wanted to be and everything you wanted to do.

When I was five I went to kindergarten with firetrucks on my boxers. I wanted to be a fireman. The other kids made fun of the boxers when I went to the bathroom and I was mortified so the dream of fighting fires died when I switched to tighty-whiteys.

The next dream was to become a magician like my mom's uncle Harold. Even to the point of having people call me by middle name, which was coincidentally Harold. I'm sure I would have put magnificent in front of it or something which would have cushioned the future blow of people calling me Harold. That died, too.

I saw Evel Kneivel on TV and then I wanted to be a daredevil. When I cranked my tiny Evel and shot him across my grandma's back patio it seemed completely plausible. Then I went out front to jump on my bike and do some jumps and it was gone. Somebody stole it.

At that point, I started running out of ideas of what I wanted to be. Still trying to figure it out, but I know I'm not really going where I want to be going. So, starting tonight when I go to bed, it's on. I don't want to be a hero, daredevil or even Neal Schon's hair. I just want to be the guy who no one notices. The guy who shows up by himself to a Christmas party with a bottle of wine who everyone asks who he knows there and then immediately forgets his name. I want to add nothing to conversations and make no one laugh unless they mean something to me. I want to sleep eight hours a night. I want to like Jack Johnson and Dave Matthews. I want to think that Meet the Fokkers was comic genius. The show needs to end and I don't want to perform for strangers anymore. It's a waste of time and drains me. Here's to tomorrow.

Point. Counter Point.

Question: Is there a point to fighting/arguing after splitting up with someone?
Answer: A completely useless act. The point B of the whole event is nothingness. It's proven in the third law of happiness as proven by Franklin Russellbaum. How can so much energy result in absolute zero? Technically, not absolute zero, but guilt and anger would be considered negative energies, hence having a less than zero value. Trying to stay positive, anything less than zero should be considered bad. Counterpoint to all of this is if you wanted to go for it, you could totally win a fight or an argument if you have no vested interest in person B anymore. There's the rub. Probably should join a debate club instead of arguing or fighting anymore. By the way, word on the street is that I'm a jerk. Prove it.

PegBoy

So, a pirate walks into a bar...and starts buying rounds for the whole bar last night. I kept getting him to talk like a pirate and almost peed myself laughing. Then, he started trying to give hundred dollar bills to strangers and I kept telling him to put his money away and telling said strangers that he's wasted. Then he got weird. Proves you can only do so much. Oh, and I am also banned from playing Jump by Van Halen on the jukebox at the bar from now on. It's fine because I negotiated to still be allowed to play Unchained which is my favorite Van Halen song anyway.

Also, why don't people understand that modern country is watered down, shitty rock? Even when you explain it to them. I sent two people home last night with a homework assignment. They are to listen to Hysteria by Def Leppard and then right afterwards they must listen to Shania Twain or something like that. Shania Twain is cheating because she actually does make Def Leppard records because she is married to Mutt Lange, their producer. Anyway, the country will sound just a little shittier, but not that different than the Def Leppard record. Finally, at the end of it, put on any Johhny Cash album and notice the drastic change from new country music to real country music.

I think what sparked that conversation was that punch-in-the-nuts halftime thing where Tim McGraw sings a song about the past weekends football games. You are ABC and you merged with Disney. That's the best you can do?

As usual last night, I was talking to some people and they wanted me to get in their cab with them and go partying. It was a Monday. Can't do that. It got me thinking, however, that people try to put me in cabs with them a lot. The only problem is that even with the 25% of the times that I have accepted nothing good has ever come out of it. Weird things always happen.

Moral of the story: Don't ever get in a cab with a stranger...That shouldn't even need to be a moral. It's so obvious. God, I am so stupid sometimes.

I'm a Whore

I was auctioned off last night for $120. I don't know if that is bad or good, but be good for goodness sakes. So...Christmas spirit in October.

The event was to benefit Hurricane Katrina victims and was a costume theme. Nobody told me the costume part, so I kind of stuck out. Nobody told me that I would be the only bachelor to auction off either. So, I got kinda bombed. Things about last night get blurry, but blurry for a good cause. I woke up this morning in a pretty nice hotel room I don't want to say where. There were two women in the bed next to the one that I was sleeping in and there was a woman in the bed that I was sleeping in. If I remember correctly, she was dressed up in a very hot outfit that I will not say what it is just in case someone could read this and put it all together. Nurse with giant boobs smashed together and Sexy Witch were in the other bed. You've got to love this Gay Christmas (Halloween) holiday. That's where things start coming back about what went down last night after the party. I remember the three women taking me to a bar in downtown San Jose............................We went to bed at 5:00 this morning. Seriously, I was expecting to wake up this morning in a bathtub filled with ice and missing a kidney or at least have my wallet stolen and have to pay for the room or something. Things are coming back today as it drags on and the night is getting weirder and weirder as I remember more stuff. One would think it was scripted.

I was worried about karma this morning when I went and got one of them a soda from the vending machine. I put my money in and hit the button and I shit you not, Cokes just kept coming out. I had six in my hands when I stopped pulling them out of the machine and could hear them keep coming out when I walked away. I think that is good karma. I'm a helper. A giver.

I think I forgot to rinse my conditioner this morning in the shower. That sucks. I'm super tired today and have a wedding in an hour and a half to go to. That should be interesting. I must stay in tonight and get sleep or I think my head will explode.

Freezy Money

It is so cold in my office right now that I am thinking about cutting a Tauntaun open and sleeping in it. Can't feel my hands.

The World Are you Serious?

Kinda sick, but events starting at 5:00 pm tonight have absolutely demanded a blog. First of all, Michael McDonald, Wynonna Judd and Halle Berry''s "sex addicted" husband, Eric Benet (sp?), plus one other person sang some new let's go America we are awesome song before the game. Then, they chase that with Michael McDonald singing the most soulful rendition of the national anthem that anyone has ever heard. The man still has it and could take Huey & The News anyday for the national anthem performance. Yeah, I call him Huey because I met him in fifth grade at Cal-Expo in Sacramento. He kind of smelled like weed. Seventh inning stretch had Aaron "I don't know Much" Neville singing God Bless America and after that I thought I could just coast through the rest of the game without the Banana Splits jamming through the outfield and what happens? Steve fuckin' Perry in a White Sox hat with Don't Stop Believin' playing in the background. Now, the man that sang Lights is a Chi Sox fan? WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I mean big props that he found baseball in 2002. Some band guys never do, but why not the Giants or the Modesto A's or something. Joe Buck went on about how during the season the Chi Sox would listen to Journey to keep them inspired this year. So, as a result, they requested that Steve Perry attend all of the World Series games. Don't you think that Neal Schon would have something to say about this. The guitar lick on the intro gets no credit over Steve Perry's vocals on that song. Smell of wine and cheap perfume? The movie never ends? What are these lines in comparison to Neal Schon's Crescendoing hammer-ons in the beginning of that song. I'm enraged. I will have to add to this when I have recovered. I am absolutely spent by having to think about this travesty.

Charm Wrestle

So, I was in the lobby waiting for my bi-weekly dose of therapy. It's funny, I spend an hour every two weeks talking about my lovely ex-wife and she spends an hour every two weeks talking about herself. There is something there in between the lines. Also, I think she may be the only person reading this. Not the man of mystery that I never was. I digress. I was sitting in the lobby reading American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis. It must have looked like a manual in that environment. It felt awkward.

So, last night I had an idea. After softball, I would go have a beer and then go home and watch Lost. I had told the owner of the bar I would come back and we could strategize about his Wednesday and Thursday nights without going to the karaoke step. Well, we ended up hanging out for a while and I realized I was at the cab step. So, then these nerds in their Palo AltFits (blue/black pants and white or blue button up shirt) challenged me to arm wrestle for shots. So I did. I wasn't into it so I ended up having to buy one of the guys a shot. Then, they decided they should take me to another bar and I went with them. At the next bar, I bee-lined over to the bar to order a beer and started cracking up these two girls by bragging about my credit cards as a joke. I was pulling out my Safeway Club Card like I was going to pay with it. They cared for it and started asking me questions off of their Laffy Taffy wrappers like they weren't jokes, but actual questions. "Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? Because demons are a ghoul's best friend." I was berated for not knowing the answer to that. So, we start bagging on all the guys that I walked in with and calling every one of them Patrick Bateman and stuff when they would come over. We had decided that one of them was crazy and trying to figure out which one it was. Then some Lithuanian who was honestly like six feet ten walked up to one of the girls and asked her what he would have to do to get her to make sex to him. He was awesome. Good times. I think I have one of their numbers and it turns out it is real and it's from Ohio. That was fucking Wednesday. In retrospect, horrible decision, but who says fun can only be had on a Friday or Saturday.

Frigidly Devoted To You

I have the coldest office at work. It starts off comfy in the morning and then by about noon I can't feel my hands. The theory is that my work loves me so much that I am being cryogenically preserved. It's just kind of embarrassing when I have to take my giant clown Pez dispenser and close the vent when people are in my office.

I so have birdflu. I had a cold for all of last week, woke up in the middle of a Tylenol PM trip and thought I was going to die when I passed out on the bathroom floor at 5:00 AM and I still am not feeling better. It culminated with me losing my voice Saturday morning. Now, I would be lying if I said Friday night I didn't sing the shit out of "Running With The Devil" by Van Halen, but still, I used to be able to do that very frequently and not have this happen. So, birdflu. Now, I would also like to point out that I did not have said birdflu before my ex started communicating with me. Coincidence?

Things that are stupid:
1. Rocky VI - It's been joked about and I heard Mr. T will play an announcer in it as Clubber Lange, but it is still a horrible idea. It would maybe be good if in it Rocky Balboa executive produced a show about boxers that was so horrible they had to move it to MS-NBC for it's finale. Stallone is grasping at straws at this point. I'm thinking this will make Judge Dredd look like Citizen Kane.

Things that are scary:
1. Bigfoot, AKA Sasquatch. - Scary and don't think for a second that he or she is a myth. They are just smarter than us humans with their link to their instincts. If we weren't so soft from reality TV we could go out and not only find a Bigfoot, but then wrestle it to the ground and expose it to the world. I'll add that to my to do list. That makes Laundry, clean bathroom, and capture Bigfoot.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Honestly, right now, I would spend $3 and 63 cents to fall asleep. Two Tylenol PMs and I can't catch one z. Still sick, can't sleep. Talked to my ex for a little over an hour tonight. I can't fix any of my mistakes and I just sit there in bed exhausted thinking about them. Not a wink. This blog it now my bitching post, I guess. There is something so creepy about working on a computer in the dark, too.

I think I am going to go have another go at it. Actively sleeping.

Tylenol PMsnt

Still sick and I feel like the only person on earth right now so I thought I would write to myself. The Tylenol PM isn't working. It usually knocks me out, but as I sit in a dark apartment typing I feel like a cast member from Night Of The Comet. The tagline is awesome: "The last time it came the dinosaurs disappeared." Sounds like something the news would use to get you to watch a story on E Coli or something.

A weird thing happened tonight. I found myself pulling for the Yankees tonight and even Jeter. Is it possible to hate the Los Angeles of Anaheim in California, USA Angels that much? I hate Jeter. I don't know how this happened, but I might bring it up in therapy.

Also, had a talk with my mom tonight about stuff and she told me that she talked to my dad after he left us (my mom, my sister and I). She said she was single for five years. I really hope that one skips a generation. I will go crazy by then or just totally cut myself off from everything outside of work probably. Regardless, it looks like a fight with drinking is brewing again. That was awesome I used brewing in the sentence about drinking. I just need to figure out what I want to do. There must be something to immerse myself in that is productive, fulfilling and positive.

I'm also thinking about putting my torches out for my current run through Bridgetown. I received some gentle prodding tonight on that issue from an angel that used to be on my shoulder. I will never fall asleep at this rate. I wish I had a copy of The Notebook on DVD. I might have to put on Logan's Run and see if that works.

Life's A Breach

God, is breach spelled like that? Put that on the list of things that don't look spelled right. Chased a cold all over San Francisco at all hours this weekend. Caught it by this morning. I thought it was a just a combination of hangover and Tylenol PM. I even got ready for work and walked to my car before I decided that it wasn't right.

So, been at home all day and I tried to do some work, but my eyes are burning and my head hurts. This is when you miss having someone who cares around just to come give you a little what's up? and kiss you on the head when you have had no interaction with anyone all day. This is just the first time I have been sick and single. I really don't care for it. Also, the blog has been breached. Man of mystery, nothing.

I've played six games of FIFA Soccer 2004 (that's sad, but Arsenal was better that year) and watched The Incredibles.

Now, the Incredibles was a good movie, however it is one of those movies that parents just go on and on about because it is actually bearable to watch and their kids love it. The parents are following the plot in this case, and going "Oh, that's a lot like the fantastic four. Oh, I get it. Fantastic - Incredible. There are four fantastic fours and four Incredibles. Wow, how witty and look my child is laughing because the guy's window broke. That's not even really funny."

Not bagging on kids. Would love to have one someday to pull out of this rut and have somewhere to direct all of this restlessness and idle energy. Kids are like guns. If you put them in the wrong hands they are ruined for everyone. So, here is a bottle of pills and a helmet for all of those kids being ruined by those wronghands. There could be one near you for all you know.

Anyway, suns out. I need to put a big smile on to break through my miserable fog and quit being so super grumpy today. Thought about trying the Wellbutrin today, but it might be more appropriate to cut some chemicals out of my diet before I add anything else in. It's already complicated enough.

Th pic is totally unrelated to anything, but I can't believe my mom left me with those two coaches when I was 9 years old. They kept the equipment in old army bags and drove an El Camino to every practice and I'm just guessing, but I think they have seen the Scorps live. I wonder what Round Table they are managing right now.

Next blog, gonna bring the news and something of value.

Are you going to murder me or stage an intervention?

I know you are watching me.

I know you didn't check back twice.

If I were Superman, I would not be drinking Johnnie Walker Red for sure, but I suppose the red goes with his outfit. I would like to see General Zod come down to the same bar with Supes all tore up and get a bottle of at least Blue Label and just be like "Son of Jorel, your scotch kneels before Zod's."

All for now. Here's to nice times.

The RIAA will eat your baby

Might be late on this, but here is a link I grabbed off of digg. Indie god Steve Albini breaks down what's really going on the the RIAA acting like the mother hen to all of it's artists. Everybody knows they are evil and marketing shit to the masses through repetition and payola, but Albini uses numbers and things rather than just bitching about it with nothing to back it up like I would.

Steve Albini

Demon Haunted World

I'm re-reading Demon Haunted World by Carl Sagan and there are a couple of passages that struck me:

"I have a foreboding of an America in my children's or grandchildren's time-when the United States is a service and information economy; when nearly all the key manufacturing industries have slipped away to other countries; when awesome technological powers are in the hands of a very few, and no one representing the public interest can even grasp the issues; when the people have lost the ability to set their own agendas or knowledgeably question those in authority; when, clutching our crystals and nervously consulting our horoscopes, our critical faculties in decline, unable to distinguish between what feels good and what's true, we slide almost without noticing, back into superstition and darkness."

And:

"We've arranged a global civilization in which most crucial elements-transportation, communications, and all other industries; agriculture, medicine, education, entertainment, protecting the environment; and even the key democratic institution of voting-profoundly depend on science and technology. We have also arranged things so that almost no one understands science and technology. This is a prescription for disaster. We might get away with it for a while, but sooner or later this combustible mixture of ignorance and power is going to blow up in our faces."

The book was published in 1997 and rings so true to current events. It's just eerie. So we just need to keep reading Harry Potter books and taking our prescriptions and we should be fine as we slip into a Brave New World. Why can't Star Wars come true or something instead of these other books?

Kanye's Thoughts Not Heard In The West

We are a free nation that tries to spread our freedom to nations whether they want it or not. We want them to have the right to bear arms, free speech, racial equality, right to vote, etc...However, we cannot permit our own people to express their ideas and thoughts based on a keystone of our constitution if it is going to be beamed into people's living rooms. These messages are to be controlled and used to control those people that are not meant to read between the lines or look behind the curtain. They are better off not knowing what is out there beyond their front door or their nearest Applebee's. To find out the truth would make them feel shorted knowing they are not truly the divine creation of a supreme being and do not reside at the center of a 12,000 year old universe. Thank you NBC for not letting us hear what a celebrity has to say about current events. You have done us all a great service.

Kanye drops knowledge and is dropped from the West coast feed

In...Surgent Surgent Surgent. Emergency.

How do you get the President to leave his Summer break? Create insurgents within our walls. G-Dub is always down for an ass-whoopin' no matter where it is. Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, The Big Easy. Why not? Where there are people doing wrong, we can send men and women with guns. Don't get me wrong, the looters are definitely the bottom of the barrel when it comes to standards and you can not lump everyone into one category of scum. There are pictures of good citizens helping those that need help, but of course the media is focused on the mass exodus and the looting. Makes better footage. I just hope that at the end of this, we don't have them drawing up a constitution and I do hope that the state can recover, it is just such a duh scenario for the G-Duh-Booya administration.

By the way, INXS Rockstar is awesome. Can't explain why, but I am sucked in to it bad.

Pills Bury

I had some kind of crazy lumbar revolt going on earlier this week so I had to go home and have my own version of drug-fueled euphoria in the form of Flexirils. So, I got all setup like a teenager about to take mushrooms except instead of a blacklight, a Deep Purple record and a Betamax version of Alice In Wonderland, I had a remote control, a DVD, cell phone, and a glass of water. So, I stopped to get a DVD onthe way home from work and rented Sin City. As I was given the movie the Blockbuster guy (slave to the Mormon church) described to me that there were no late fees, but they would really appreciate it if we return the movies on time and then if after eight days it hasn't been returned, I obviously liked the movie so much that I want to buy it and my credit card will be charged for the movie. No more bullying by the movie place, it was very refreshing and is a weird corporate attitude, but I really liked it. Rather than demanding something, someone is asking nicely. Imagine if the RIAA was like "Please help us out and buy some music. If you bought more than we could lower the price and you could buy even more music." Instead, though, they say "Download any of that Kelly Clarkson and we will sue your ass..Thank you. come again."

So, Sin City . It was pretty cool visually. Kind of like the A-Ha video for "Take On Me" mixed with Who Framed Roger Rabbit with a sprinkle of any Tarantino movie. Most of the blood was white, which totally reminded me of Bishop from Alien when he gets cut open and starts spewing that white goo. I really like the color highlights that they worked into it and there are tons of girls butts.

Next, on the list is Twin Cinema by The New Pornographers. I actually went and paid $18 for it at Tower because I really like this band and thought they deserved the $3.50 per album cut that they get from Matador, hopefully. Great album. Mass Romantic is a little better, but this is still great. Songwriting is awesome and Neko Case kills me everytime I hear her voice. It's one of those voices like Tanya Donnelly or Aimee Mann where you just expect the woman to be painfully beautiful and then when their looks are average they still retain that beauty because their voice is so good. I'm not calling all of them average looking, either. The keyboard element is strong and the drums sound better than they have on earlier albums for some reason. Definitely receommended.

I also tried to checkout Minus The Bear's Menos El Oso after I heard some on KEXP the other day. It sounded good. Tower was out of it, so I will have to go find it this weekend.

Last thing, everytime a hurricane hits Florida I am a step closer to believing in God, Karma or Mother Earth. One of those three is trying to take care of us. I bet when the hurricane hits FLA there are just tons of ballots flying through the air still to this day.

This too shall pass.

R.I.P Bob Moog

Bob Moog passed away yesterday at the age of 71. A sad day in the music world. While he did not create any hits, he was an integral piece of some really great music and without having him behind the curtain making the gadgets, the public would have missed out on some great jams. In addition, prog-rock would probably have never happened...well it would have, but with ARP synthesizers instead.

To Each His Schon

Neal Schon, afro or post-afro was awesome. Not so much for playing, but for just being Neal Schon. He had his own custom, horrible looking guitar, an ongoing ego struggle with Steve Perry and also cut an album with Jan "Crockett's Theme" Hammer. That's my diversion this morning as I wait for some type of correspondence that is completely innocent and matter-of-fact, but will probably crush me.

I paid my wife's and my car insurance yesterday because I'm a huge douche with a sprinkle of wanting to maintain good credit and be responsible. I am getting more comfortable with the fact that I will be alone for awhile as chicks don't dig the pending divorce thing as much as dudes do. So, in the meantime, I am trying to do nice stuff for other people even though my therapist tells me to do more for myself. I would and I will once I figure out what that is.

Here is something that is less whiny and might be useful. Occassionally, I think about my past realtionship and overanalyze things and there is something that sprung to my mind as an indicator, in retrospect, of the doom attached to my relationship. The indicator was the decline of quality of gifts received from my significant other. That all culminated with the last Valentine's Day/Anniversary gift, granted it was a paper anniversary, I got a calendar and some SRO Giant's tickets. The thought counted and it was paper, however, we probably should have just given each other divorce papers then and spared myself a ton of hurt, but whatever. The Christmas preceeding that, she gave me some used DVDs from Blockbuster. One of the movies, I didn't even really like. So, I should have known she was going through the motions at that time. It just sucks when I come across a card or something that is full of lies related to affection and commitment. The kicker was the gift of being betrayed in Vegas on my birthday. She was one awesome lady.

Anyway, more interesting things. NASA flew the space shuttle into orbit to perform some repairs. Now, I'm no rocket scientist, but maybe those things do need to be retired if we have to work on them on the side of the space highway. That is definitely not my idea of what the future held for space travel. I was thinking lightsabers, spaceships with holographic chess, lightspeed, other planets, at least the moon, but we haven't really seen anything that great yet besides our janky-ass space station with foil up over the windows to keep the sun out like some monogalactic crack den. NASA really has to do something cool and quick before the astronauts come back and have grease up to their elbows because they had a bad fan belt or had to replace an air filter in space.

CBGBs, the icon of the punk movement is in danger of closing it's doors forever. Some blame 9/11, but you would think just from the merchandising of T-shirts or coasters or mousepads, they would be okay. That's the problem with being about the music, though. You take some money and pay DJs to play crap and you will do fine, however you stick to your guns and support quality music and you are doomed against a DJ in a club who will play all of that crap that the money toting sheep have been programmed to enjoy. The sad part is that they really think they are enjoying it because they know no better.

Should probably try and go back to work. In case anyone has been reading this, I have been a horrible host, just haven't felt real inspired to post lately.

Time Takes Time Takes Time

Did a wedding last weekend that was pretty fresh to the divorce. So fresh that there was a seat for my wife next to me that we rapidly filled at our table with a friend who was sitting at a less cool table. The drinking experiment was very successful as I kept my composure and was relatively charming for the majority of the night. Ended up getting back to my car at 7:00 AM the next morning and back home at 8:00 AM. I managed to sleep until noon and then test our database at work as we did some maintenance on it over the weekend. Gamer.

The only thing was Monday and Tuesday were rough on me. I'm hoping it was just exhaustion or emotional fallout from the wedding as it was mutual friends and it was a wedding. Hung in there, though and put up a good fight. No drinking because I was sad or lonely or anything like that. Just read, played guitar and relaxed. At this point, I am comfortable with the present and future, but still hurt about what's behind me and what WE lost. I may be delusional and way off, but I thought that we had something that was pretty good. The sad part is that no one can make me feel better at this point, not even her. A time machine would be the only thing that could help either move me forward or move me back to before she wrecked everything or perhaps in her eyes fixed everything. I'm not blind to there being two sides to every story, but in my eyes we both lost out and nobody really won. I don't think I'm that awesome and in fact, probably 1 in 150 not million, but we were pretty good friends aside from being husband and wife. Regardless, making it through today will feel like an accomplishment. Five hours to go.

Last thing, after bouncing it off family and friends there is absolutely no way, no matter if I am not drinking or anything, that I can attend my friend's wedding who is marrying my ex-wife's sister. No way. An out of country blackout with no cell phone would be a better alternative for everyone. I'll see if anything changes in the next month, though. Will probably just stop by with a toaster and a handshake prior to the wedding and say congratulations.

How boring. Today is all about me. Haven't been inspired lately. Perhaps if I have a few this weekend I will post and be funny.

Today's Pro Tips:
Benefit of the Doubt means assume the worst.

When chipping onto the green try putting your feet together and your hands in front of the ball on your downswing-keep your head down.

Get out of REITs before the real estate bubble bursts.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three make a left in San Francisco.

Far Better or Far Worse

Feeling real bad for the last couple of days. I guess it would be depressed. Just low self-confidence, lonely and a little sad, but putting up a good front and putting up a good fight. Therapist says that I need to let it happen and not fight it, but that sounds miserable. So, going into the weekend I am not supposed to worry about how much I smoke, if I am eating enough or if I am acting all right. I just feel like I am crazy and can't be around other people because they will think that I am weird. However, it is going to get worse before it gets better, which sucks, because I felt that I had already bottomed out and that things would only improve as time went on. This is not true, I guess. Hopefully, it is just a stall. Anyway, the world is not going to pull over and wait for me, so I've gotta push it along.

I am tracking my smoking in a spreadsheet to try and figure out how horrible it is going to be for me to quit based on a report by the Royal College of Physicians in London. Based on what I read, I got rid of the morning smoke with coffee and now I am trying to push it out later and later until I can make it until the end of the day. According to the report, there is no effect related with smoking that alleviates stress and instead it may aggravate it. This doesn't make sense to me because I swear it makes me feel better, but it may not be the actual smoking.

Michael Bay is going to direct a live-action version of transformers. While all the dorks are dressed up as Autobots and Decepticons I will be the one in the fake moustache so I can keep my street cred coolness. Hundred bucks says G.I. Joe the movie is made next. "Uh, American movie-going population? Hollywood left this message for you. It says: Dear movie-going public we are totally out of ideas so we will just remake everything until we can start remaking the remakes. P.S. - We are going to start basing movies on commercials and company trademarks to just cut through the shit, so look for Cap'N Crunch the movie. Here is the synopsis: The Cap'n and his crew called the Crunchberries are looking for the long missing General Mills' treasure of delightful and nutritious goodness enriched with Vitamin B in the cape of the Rusty Spoon."

Fianlly, Joe Buck should punch himself in the face for being such a slave to the man. Of course, it is hard to find this one in USA Today because they would lose advertisers. Joe Buck pointed out a planned banner which was a plug for a new model of Chevy. Call me crazy, but is he trying to make it into the Carson Daly Hall of Fame for sucking up to the man? Next, you will see him kicking it in the Hamptons with Tara Reid, Kid Rock and Tom Brady. Bob Costas kicks the ass of him in street cred, man. I'm not going to advocate shooting your television a la the King, unless you have a backup, but watch with caution. You may be being hypnotized.

Until next post, I will be hanging in there doing my (no)thing and taking calls from my mom, dad and sister.

Crab Feed

Getting super crabby today. A woman ordered a Caramel Macchiato with extra caramel this morning at Starbucks and I wanted to hit her in the back of the head to try and make our civilization a better place. She should've just asked for a banana and scoop of ice cream in it and really gone for it this morning. Speaking of that, chicken fries at Burger King brilliant or crazy? The meat shake a la Ugly Duckling is so close. Taste the secret, man.

Also, new gripe. The spelling of vaccuum totally bugs me. It's like the multiple allowable spellings of Cancelled (Canceled). We should pass something and choose one. I like the double "L" myself.

What is the real problem going on with me is what I need to figure out. Of course, it bothers me that I have a wife that doesn't love me anymore and is dating someone else. I don't know much, but that almost makes it worse. How can she be normal and happy when my life feels like a Where's Waldo cartoon, just meaningless and confusing...and dumb and played out. However, just like the last election, you can be pissed, but if you are pissed it is an uphill battle and useless. You can just accept or wallow and usually those waver.

DRINKING. Yes, I do it again, occasionally. It's an experiment. I am starting another phase to see if I quit again if I will feel better. I didn't feel better before when I had quit for 7 weeks so the two things could be unrelated. On the fence about AA again, though.

Apartment is coming along. Need some bookshelves and and need to put all the DVDs away, but I can cook things, work at my computer and have a good couch to sit on. Need to finish the living room, have a housewarming party with my three friends and my mom and dad. Then, I can start working on the bedroom. The toilet is crooked I think. I haven't set a level on it yet, but it is starting to bother me a little bit.

SMOKING. Hate that I smoke, but I think it is helping me when I feel overwhelmed lately. All mental, of course. I am so mental lately. I am going to try and chart the number of cigarettes that I smoke a day in a spreadsheet. I'll put the chart on my fridge. Also, want to quit smoking in my car and also quit smoking at half time during soccer games. Missed 4 goals last Sunday. That is sad. Don't know if that is related to smoking. New experiment.

When will this therapy start working. I should probably just take the meds and forget any of this is happening. Speaking of meds, I am off of Tylenol PM to sleep. Finally, I get a point in this crappy game. At least it won't be a clean sheet.

Here are some cool things:
The Rasterbator
Dynamo from Trader Joe's mixed with Pelligrino
Sondra Lerche-Norway's Donovan
The Decemberists-Brilliant songwriting and all their gear got stolen earlier this year so support them by buying shirts and crap
Daryl Hall has Lyme Disease-You would think this would be John Oates chance to throw the game winning touchdown, but instead the men who brought you H2O would rather reschedule the end of the game. You could tell John Oates had thrown in the towel when he shaved off his moustache.

Well....?BUTRIN

I can tell how good I am feeling on a particular day by the amount of cigarettes that I smoke before noon, which is gross anyway. I was down to 1 to 3 a day before my wife and I got separated. One thing about this whole situation is that I will never spell separate wrong again. So, anyway, this morning when I was getting ready for work I saw Wellbutrin, Zoloft and a box of Nicotine patches in my medicine cabinet. None of them have been opened because I am trying to do this on my own, but I have been thinking about quitting smoking.

If I could take a pill and never want to smoke again, would I take it? I don't know. It's kind of like Madison in Splash. Would I want to give up being a mermaid forever to be with Tom Hanks? No. Or how about when Superman gave up his powers to be with Lois Lane in the movie. He then gets his ass handed to him in a bar fight. All of a sudden, he is not such a big fan of not having superpowers. He goes back, so in this example, figuratively starts smoking again. This actually is a recurring theme in many myths and stories. I guess smoking isn't a talent or superpower, though. An argument to that would be Michael Madsen, who makes smoking look so good...

I was playing my guitar last night with my screendoor open and my neighbor introduced himself and commented on my Hammer-Ons. So awesome.

Hmmmmm

Drank on Sunday. 4 beers in 4 hours. Responsible. Drank on Monday. Probably could have drank less, but it's still an experiment. Regardless, killed the taboo of it. It's not such a big deal anymore. Trying to figure out if it was the cause for me feeling bummed out yesterday, but I think even without the drink I would have been bummed. Holidays will probably be doing that to me for a while. It's just frustrating and disappointing that the wife has a boyfriend and stuff and goes to visit him on 3 day weekends. Of course, she asked me to give her the benefit of the doubt, but it's pretty hard to think of anything that she is uncapable of when it comes to knife twisting in my back.

The new apartment is good and I've moved everything into it. Train is going to take some getting used to and apartment sized ovens suck. No take and bake for me for a while. That's probably a good thing. My couch rocks.

So, some things that have been bothering me lately. How can Starbuck's be out of coffee at 7:15 AM? Did I surprise them by wanting coffee in the morning? I hate to watch as people walk away with 27 syllable non-fat, Chai anythings while I wait for a cup of coffee. They need to bring back the airpots. It's like going to go get gas in Oregon and HAVING to have someone pump it for you. Thank you Starbucks, but I can pump my coffee myself.

Tom cruise is lame. Duh. The SF Giants suck. Finally, people that do all of their laundry and take up all of the washers make me want to commit bizarre acts of crime upon them and not in a pleasurable way. I need to get back to work.

Another Wednesday and another afternoon of not being happy to be going through a divorce because my wife is dating someone. Useless feeling, though, because I wouldn't want her back either. Kind of a lose-lose situation, but at least I can do whatever I want now. I just have to figure out the whatever I want part. My question for the week is to figure out if I am alone, but not lonely or if I am lonely, but not alone. Thinking about that makes me really thankful for a great group of friends.

Nobody Likes A Quitter

So, the scale wasn't broken at the gym the other day and I now weigh in at 156. I used to between 190 and 200. The good news is that I am now normal on the Body Mass Index scale.

Also, I have been really thinking about quitting quitting drinking. Totally, not going to make any rash decisions and bouncing it off friends, family, and my therapist. I have been enjoying not drinking and feel pretty good about the decision, but I miss the social atmosphere. It is just a question of whether I have that switch or not. To tell the truth, I'm scared to death of it going bad, but what if it didn't and I didn't overindulge and I got to socialize with people and not feel alone. It's not about the drinking, it's about the atmosphere. Still thinking about it, just having a tough time with the alone time.

The awkward relationship is put to rest. The thing that made it awkward was me and I've learned from it and in all fairness, I feel like there was a weight lifted off my shoulders. I was not ready for it anyway, as I haven't really transitioned out of husband mode. This will happen.

Wednesdays still kinda suck, but less than the last two. I will have to figure this out. Moving Friday and bought a couch for a grand. I'm officially growing up and officially divorced. I have never felt so adult in my life.

In the world:
The pitbull is the new Al-Qaeda/Taliban
Tom Cruise has flown in a UFO over the shark Another Tom Cruise link pulled from a link off Gawker
Penises are smaller than I thought
If Bush could build a time machine, he would go back to 2001 and love every minute all over again
Stella is kinda like a cross between Animaniacs and a play. Jury is out on it at this point.

Tied to the massed

At work we always get e-mail for people leaving on vacation to a mass distribution address. I'm not the type to feel that I am that important to the point that the whole organization needs to know that I won't be here, but it got me thinking.

What if you got an e-mail address that would send an e-mail to everyone on the Infernet using a massive distribution list that was all inclusive? People would pay anything for this as long as they were the only one's that had it. They could pitch penis lengtheners to EVERBODY in one fell swoop. It would be the A-Bomb of mass marketing. Anyway, maybe someday it will happen. It would be very similar to a virus and I'm sure that some 11 year old kid in Sweden or Hong Kong is working on it right now.

Reviews:
Balance Bars - Good. Yogurt Honey Peanut seems to be my favorite. Rumor has it that processed whey is not good for you, but if it is all about protein, eating baby bunnies would probably be bad for your karma.

The Machinist - Good movie, but hard to shake Bale's character from American Psycho.

Crossword Puzzles - Still kick the ass of word searches.

Turkey Jerky - So good and good for you.

GORP - Around here we call it lunch.

Until tomorrow.

Phobionic Man

Found this link to a list of fears. I am mesmerized by it. The fear of dinner conversation and things being on the right hand side of your body are my current favorites. Also, this must be made up: Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia — long words

As far as today goes, sucks for some reason. Don't even know why anymore. I need to go hide in a cave clutching my AA one month chip. I am not fit to be around people in social situations right now. Hope nobody finds out.

Reaching the unreachable

Made it through yesterday much better than I thought I would have. Went to dinner with a friend and it got my mind off of stuff for a while. It's bullshit that I should need other people to deal with some of this crap, but I guess I'm just not that cool. It's a hard transition moving from being accountable to someone for every action to being accountable to no one. I have to admit, I kind of miss talking to the same person every day or every night. Wants and needs again.

Made it to counseling this morning. Here is what we are working on: previous relationship/marriage, other relationship (not dating or anything, just a friendship thing), a superiority complex, high standards (being attractive is not good enough by itself), and being alone. With the other topics besides being alone looking like pretty strong factors that will lead to me being alone for a while. Hopefully, soon I will normalize and figure out things that I like to do, who I want to be and who I am. I have no answer to any of those things at this point.

So, at the place I go for counseling there is an Autism center for kids and it really puts into perspective why I shouldn't bitch and complain about my situation. I am probably better off in the long run getting a divorce. Eventually, I will find someone who won't take a shot at me when I'm not looking. Even if that doesn't happen, at least I will have the opportunity to stay out of harm's way. I have control to a certain degree over what happens to me. The people at the autiism center don't have that luxury. When I am lonely on a Friday or Saturday night or frustrated that I can't take the edge off with a drink or even sleep, I can eventually resolve those conflicts or just take a handful of Tylenol PM and start over the next morning. They have been dealt a much more difficult situation to deal with. It would probably do me good to do some volunteer work, I guess. Just really wish the best for those people.

Finally, today I realized that I am still not content or in a stable place. Not like going to do anything stupid, but just not totally happy or satisfied with everything. That day will come I'm sure of it. I just need to wait politely and contently for it to come. I still have no idea what shape or form it will come in, but I am okay with waiting for it. It just better be worth it or I will be pissed. Maybe it will be a dog, probably not a fish or anything. Christ, it could be a taco for all I know.

Hump Day

Goddammit. Everytime I think that everything is cool and that I am doing okay, everything seems to feel like it is falling apart. Today is just seeming really hard, although it is not that much different than any other day. I really wish I could figure out how to make everyday just normal and routine...and just average. Everything is fine. It has to be.

Down At Thunder Island

Went to an AA meeting last night in Los Gatos at the request of a friend. It was good. Still not ready for a sponsor and feel that I don't have a problem compared to the others in the room. That is not good. There is some internal concern that I may be setting myself up to fail by not following the rules exactly. The thing is, if I were to drink again it would only disappoint a handful of people and the rest would be happy to have "me" back. Speaking of that, sat and had some tea after the meeting with one of those people who would be disappointed and it was nice. I hate to admit it, but she does make it worth it kind of, but I realize I am walking a line that could lead to dreaded co-dependence. I am going to check out some information on co-dependence so I stop throwing it around in my head because admittedly, I don't know shit about it.

Anyway, feel like I am on an island today. Wednesdays have been bad for some reason. I'll have to figure that out. I should enjoy being an island and maybe will in the future, but right now it's horrible. Drinking doesn't fix it, though. That I know. Think of Point A and Point B. If Point A is lonely and miserable, having a drink will take you to Point A.5, which doesn't exist unless you are in a Steve Erickson novel. You will eventually make it to Point B and if you are lucky, things will only be as bad as they were when you started, but typically they are worse and you've taken a few steps back and run the risk of falling in to that cycle. Lived it. The thing you have to hold on to is knowing that things will get better and life will work out. It may not be enjoyable, but you have to accept responsibility and accept the pain and absorb it and file it away where it belongs when you have properly understood why you feel that way and learned from that feeling. Drinking is a cop out. Don't get me wrong, I had a nice time, but I kind of ran with it and took advantage of it and kind of lost that privilege.

Well, today's blog kind of sucks. At least I have a defined relationship that I am working with and don't need an alarm clock to wake up at 6:00 in the morning. That's kind of key because I have nothing but a bed and a dresser to move into my apartment. Not even the alarm clock.

Days not even halfway over and I have no idea how I am going to get through it. Going to try and just bury myself in work.

Inside Joke Custody

It started to bother me today that my ex is using some of my jokes in her day to day life. There are some things that they need to build into the marriage laws like they have for property and kids.

First, all of the jokes that I came up with she should not get to use. It is common courtesy and extremely tacky if she does. I mean some of them weren't even my jokes. They were my friends' jokes. That's like stealing. It's okay when you are married or dating, but that shit is not portable. You need to leave it where you found it. For instance, you go to the grocery store and use a grocery cart and you are just using something. You take it home and you are stealing something. In my head, I see her using "N'awesome" to talk to her guy that she is sleeping with. That bothers me. Not the sleeping together, that is shallow and ill thought out or at least should be, but using my word that I took from a babysitter in like 1986 is messed up. I've had that word for almost 20 years and she is just going to take it and throw it around. Pissed.

Just a quick one today. Restarting my illustrious softball career tonight and learning to act normal around girls, you don't have to have sex or marry everything of the opposite sex. Learning. Thirty years old and all of a sudden I feel like a 15 year old. If only I knew now what I knew then. Yeah, that was a joke. TGI Fridays used to be a date and going in the hot tub meant second base. So different now.

Spamlet

Here are some of the sender names that I received in my work e-mail this morning. They are awesome:
Indochinese C. Addresses
Nonetheless R. Doled
Son Silva
Squanto P. Weirding
Dandle E. Headlocks
Consolation H. Birthplace
Meningitis A. Confine
Months F. Moisture
Carniverous T. Brakemen
Table D. Jigsaw
Resolutions J. Quasimodo
Fiendishly M. Crude

Really like Squanto P. Weirding. Not enough to purchase some Viagra in deseerct packages, but I still think that the name rocks.

Another weekend down. 5 weeks of sobriety this Thursday and a new apartment in two weeks. Things are looking up.

Sunday night the ex called because she had "a powerful urge to talk" to me. It was very enjoyable talking about her long distance relationship and that junk. Got lost three times while I was driving during the conversation. It wasn't that bad, I guess. Had trouble sleeping because of it, but that was expected. I'm kind of over sleep at this point. Looking into this, though. Yeah, I am going to try and learn how to sleep.

Everything else is as good as it could possibly be...I guess. Super lonely and don't want to be, but it is all about wants vs. needs at this point.
Want to drink - Need to be sober to deal with the situation.
Want to hook up with chicks - Need to be alone so that I can recover from the situation.

I mean, think about it. Do you think Superman wanted to protect people when he first realized he had superpowers? He probably wanted to rob banks or use his x-ray vision to peep chicks, but he needed to do the right thing or he would probably have trouble sleeping at night, too. I wonder if Superman even needs sleep. That would be an awesome superpower to have to not need sleep, but I suppose if you weren't fighting crime it would get pretty boring. Maybe that's why fictional people fight crime at night. Maybe that's what I can start doing when I can't sleep. I'll have to think about that one. Would need a costume, probably. I think my costume would be a pair of tighty whiteys, dark socks and sandals. I could be called the Englishman and fight crime with my superpower of proper etiquette.

Lastly, got a family picture at the picture place in the mall. Super cheesy. It seemed like every picture had someone on their knees or sitting on a fucking chair. Anyway.

Photo

Urgerrifuk

Had my first real urge to drink when I got my cell phone bill this month. The ex was supposed to split off the account and then do everything she needed to do. Well, the bill was over $400 and billed to me. It consisted of like 400 overage minutes to San Diego for her to call her emotional crutch. Was unhappy about that. Got home was a little shaky, thought about it. It wasn't like the DTs, I was just emotionally wore out and according to my doctor, I use alcohol to cure my problems. Finally, came to the realization that there was no reason to worry about it, we're over so it's none of my business nor concern and that drinking would not solve the problem it would only make it worse. Still, a rough couple of days since Wednesday. Waking up at 5:00 AM again, too.

On a good note, my little sister graduated high school yesterday, so my friend and I went to our alma mater's graduation 12 years later. It was long and boring and it rained, but it stirred up a lot of memories. Particularly, the fact that when we graduated I was Senior Class Vice President (ran as a joke and won on accident) and instead of a speech they asked me to say the pledge of allegiance. I left out the "under god" part and then said "fuck" into the microphone. Mom was proud. Was good to be with family yesterday.

Today has been a'ight, but therapy was emotionally draining, yet also productive. Sobriety makes every thought and action complicated, so I am debating taking a small emotional vacation, but realize it may have an adverse affect on certain individuals in my life right now, including myself. Kind of confused right now. To be or not to be a hermit.

In the meantime, made it past the urge. Figthing co-dependence and eating when I am hungry. Good times. On my fifth week of sobriety. It's weird. Soon, this blog will get readable and useful.

Reviews:
New Foo Fighters - Disc 1 = Tight
New Foo Fighters - Disc 2 = Slow
Batman Begins on Xbox = Good
Apples = Still great after all these years
Notebook on DVD = No way. Won't watch it.
Diet Coke = Delicious
Hell's Kitchen = Could be great. Jury's out.
Jews for Jeter Shirts = Awesome

iTrip and Sex Talk

The Jesus stations are taking over the bottom of the dial and leaving no room for my iTrip to transmit, too. No doubt, part of a coup by the people that make the adapter for car stereos.

Yesterday, I had the weirdest talk ever with my doctor. I went in to make sure my blood pressure wasn't wacky and that I wasn't losing too much weight. Losing too much weight? That's like too much Dog The Bounty Hunter. Impossible. Anyway, he started talking to me about the divorce and reassured me that I shouldn't feel bad for getting divorced and I should think with my head and not my penis and beware of unfulfilling sexual relationships unless it is worked out ahead of time. It was weird, but he meant well. He told me that I should write a letter to my ex and let her know how I feel or else I might start stalking her and stuff. So weird. So, at the end I asked him for some Wellbutrin because I think I might want to quit smoking. He gave it to me, but asked why I would ever want to quit smoking. Apparently, he is a smoking afficionado, as well.

Dry Month

So, Thursday will be my month anniversary of not drinking. It really isn't that bad. Feeling smarter and more creative, but sometimes my mind freaks me out a little bit. Everything is so vivid including the bad stuff, but the bad stuff is being managed. You accept it and you move forward. I missed the last AA meeting, but it was totally worth missing it. Went to go see Layer Cake instead. Totally worth it. Daniel Craig looks just like Steve McQueen in Bullit. Heard he might be the next James Bond, too.

Eating a little bit, too. The thing about not drinking anymore is that you go out to dinner a lot. You also go out to coffee a lot. It puts kind of a damper on your social life, but random hookups are pretty unfulfilling the day after, can occasionally be messy, and take a toll on you emotionally if you are not careful. The key right now is to be healthy both emotionally and physically.

Haven't talked to the (ex-)wife at all. She was supposed to clean up the apartment to try and get our deposit back, but just ended up spilling rust water all over the carpet, so we will probably actually owe money now. Good job. Also, dealing with the most difficult part of the divorce, the AT&T (Cingular?) wireless bill. Sucks. A pro tip would be to never get a joint calling plan with a girl unless you are sure she is the...scratch that. Never do it.

I move in to a new apartment 3 miles from work the first weekend of July and I have nothing except the bed, a pan, a pot and a cookie sheet that won't fit in the oven. So, I've got that going for me. I may just pick up a Ms. Pac Man cocktail edition for a dinner table.

Today's good news is brought to you by the City of Palo Alto Public Safety. I beat a ticket this morning and the officer was totally pissed. We wouldn't look at each other and I had to really struggle to not laugh out loud at him when I beat it.

This blog is getting more narcissistic by the second. Therapist says to work on that, though. I need to not try and help people to my own detriment. It's a new thing that has culminated into buying expensive clothes and things for myself.

Last thing. I broke up with the in-laws last week and it was horrible. They are awesome and I really love them to death and would do anything for them normally. Just sucks that things are far from what used to be normal, so it is a better idea to just leave it alone for a while. I really wish I didn't have to, though.

So, things to work on:
Eat Lunch
Embrace Loneliness and learn to love it
Don't Drink
Sleep More
Smoke Less
Do not become co-dependent on anyone
Kill Time...to what event I don't know.

6 weeks

Since the last post, I found out that my wife flew down to San Diego to spend the weekend with a guy that she met in Vegas on my 30th birthday. Classy, I know, but at least it made filing for divorce a pretty easy decision to make. It's relatively easy when there are no kids, house or cool shit involved. It's pretty much a done deal at this point. The apartment is almost cleared out. She has a new place. I have a new place. I have no furniture or accoutrements besides the bed, the stereo and the computers. Such a divorcee, all I need is a leather couch and a waterbed and I'll be set. Maybe add a framed Nagel above the couch.

The good news is that I have quit drinking and did end up going to AA after a slight relapse about three weeks ago. My first meeting was actually a Homeless Veterans Rehab Program that I accidentally walked into, but I have since found a real meeting and also recovered from being a homeless veteran. Really good people. It's actually a really good move and since then my mind has been a flutter as all my mental energy is redistributed to other parts of the brain. This actually might be a really good move, even if it wasn't willful on my part. My guitars are looking really attractive again, that's a good thing. It has really put into perspective how much of my energy was being put into being married and not being put into myself. I was called a self-absorbed alchoholic, but looking back with a clear head, it turns out I was suppressing most of my creative energy and using it to maintain a relationship with someone who didn't want it anyway. No hard feelings, though, shit happens that you really have no control over and the best thing to do is adapt.

Also, went to the doctor to see if there was damage being done due to my rapid weight loss. I lost 30 pounds to date. The doctor told me I should be happy about it because I am at my optimum weight for my height. The down side is I don't fit into my clothes anymore. It looks like I am playing dress up in my dad's clothes and I am 10. Never really did that, though. Swear. My doctor also commented that I am very marketable. So, I've got that going for me.

In addition, I've been hitting some therapy to deal with whatever else is going on with me. It's good, for now. It's been recommended that I take some Zoloft, but I refuse to at this point. If I need to medicate, I think I would just go back to drinking. It's a lot more fun.

I'm going to try to update the blog more and make it more useful. At this point, it is extremely narcissistic, but a great communication tool for the family. So for now, I will just recommend that people Listen to Ted Leo and The Pharmicists, Look at paintings by Tim Biskup , Drink tons of Pellegrino, Eat Balance Bars instead of lunch, Smell asphalt after it rains, and enjoy the way a nice hot shower feels in the morning. Meanwhile, I will be taking it one day at a time.

Tomorrow

Ate dinner last night. Slept like crap. Watched the O.C. Kristin has a drinking problem. Got up at 4:00 AM again, but was able to roll around and kinda sleep until 6:00 AM. You take what you can get. Work is slammed, so need to avoid having a breakdown today.

Today was good. Uneventful. She sent an e-mail to me today, but it was just about changing our appointment in two weeks. She cashed her check for her half of the savings, too.

I did a lot of thinking about the quitting drinking in the last day or two and I am going to go get screened for alcohol abuse next week. Can't hurt I guess. Here is a link to the place that Iwas recommended to by my therapist. http://www.goodsamsj.org/healthcontent.asp?page=/CID/alcoholism/index. "My name is Hugh and I gently abuse alcohol." Speaking of that, a beer would be great after work today, but a lukewarm O'Douls will have to do the trick. If you ever want to quit drinking, drink lukewarm O'Douls. It will make you hate the taste and also is less filling with half the calories. There is a reason that a beer or cocktail is good after a long week. My therapist says that it is my seeking nourishment. A nice nourishing luke temp O'Douls today.

Tomorrow will be my first social event sans wife. It is a birthday party for an old friend and roommate who is a new father. Will probably have to try and explain what is going on to a lot of people. I can condense it pretty quickly now and no longer break down. There is nothing more macho than the twitch of a 30 year old man's chin as his eyes well up. On top of that, her sister and fiance will be there so maybe they can take half the room and explain it to them. I also get to go pack up my stuff from the apartment while my wife works at an event all day. My sister offered to help so it will be less lonely and depressing, I hope. The packing will be tough.

One of the loneliest places on earth is the grocery store now. After 5+ years of going to the grocery store with my wife, it just bums me out to be in there. Maybe that's why I am not eating. Plus, you see the people buying tons of cat food and a People magazine and you just start hearing "Eleanor Rigby" in your head. Usually, they are buying Diet Rite, too. http://www.dietrite.com/index.aspx. Diet Rite - The saddest of all soft drinks.

So that's kind of boring, I guess. Working on including more links. Maybe a picture of Bearkid or something.

Goals:
-2 drinks or less at the birthday party (2 a day is socially acceptable for men)
-Eat
-Get in a round of golf
-Sleep
-Think about self and not the marriage
-Avoid listening to Slow Jams or Elliot Smith

One more day down.

OK. Just took this test and it tells me that I should seek help and show signs of being an alcoholic. http://www2.recoverycentral.org/tests/testalco.html

Just took this one and it says that I am an alcoholic. http://webpages.charter.net/rfhale/hopkins.htm

This one gave me a classification of a partier, but it is not admissable in court.
http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=3672075779774672429
43% on the alcoholism index. Here is what it said:
"Good news, you animal! You are The Party-er. You drink alcohol sometimes, and you might even like to get wasted on occasion. It appears, however, you are not an alcoholic"

Today

Last night we had counseling together. I felt it went well. A weird version of well, but well. We both have problems as individuals, so of course it is hard for us to work as a team. We talked in the parking lot for a little bit afterwards and she said "Thank You" and "I appreciate it" a lot. We have individual counseling in the meantime and a joint appointment in two weeks.

She is moving out Memorial Day weekend and her new lease starts next week, so it seems like she has made up her mind of what she needs to do, but we are still not filing papers. I wrote her a check for her half of the joint savings account and she is not using our joint checking account as a courtesy. She can if she really needs too, however, she has reopened her old credit union account and is using that as much as possible.

After the session, it's been suggested that I get screened for alcohol abuse. The question they use to determine if you abuse alcohol is whether you have had more than 5 drinks at a sitting in the past 3 months. Guilty as charged, but I am wary of the Jesus aspect in AA and not really fired up on having a sponsor and none of it guarantees getting my wife back. So...

Also, it has been suggested that I go to the doctor and get checked out. I've lost 25 pounds in 3 weeks and it's been suggested that if I can't start eating, I should go on meds. Not into that either, so for now I am like a fat Karen Carpenter without the voice. Plus, if I was to go on meds, I'd rather just drink it's way more socially acceptable and fun. Ate lunch today to spite the haters. Two pieces of pizza and a Diet Coke.

I have been waking up at 4:00 AM every morning now for 3 weeks. It is no way to go through life. If it doesn't go away soon, I will have to get a paper route or something. It really sucks on Sundays because of all the Paid-Programming shows on TV. Although, there is this really good one where a man of god takes your prayer requests over the phone and then speaks in tongues.

So, now it is all about defining myself outside of the relationship and marriage. Also, need to find a new apartment and discover myself.

Goals:
-Eating
-Not Drinking
-Sleeping without Tylenol PM

Another day almost down.

Starting Today

Starting today, I will start posting my daily update on where I am at in life. Three days after turning 30 my wife of just over a year woke up one morning and told me that she felt nothing for me and was numb. We had lived together and dated for 5 years prior to getting married.

It's been 3 weeks now and I am living at a friends house and getting ready to pack my stuff and move out of our apartment as she has found a new apartment. So here's the deal, we are both in individual therapy and are meeting with a counselor in two weeks.

The purpose of this is to keep family, friends, co-workers and anyone else who cares about our relationship up-to-date on where we are.

Here are the issues:
-Drinking

Guess that's the main one.

Here are the goals:
-Eating
-Not Drinking
-Finding a new place to live
-Defining oneself as an individual and not based on a relationship