Tomorrow

Ate dinner last night. Slept like crap. Watched the O.C. Kristin has a drinking problem. Got up at 4:00 AM again, but was able to roll around and kinda sleep until 6:00 AM. You take what you can get. Work is slammed, so need to avoid having a breakdown today.

Today was good. Uneventful. She sent an e-mail to me today, but it was just about changing our appointment in two weeks. She cashed her check for her half of the savings, too.

I did a lot of thinking about the quitting drinking in the last day or two and I am going to go get screened for alcohol abuse next week. Can't hurt I guess. Here is a link to the place that Iwas recommended to by my therapist. http://www.goodsamsj.org/healthcontent.asp?page=/CID/alcoholism/index. "My name is Hugh and I gently abuse alcohol." Speaking of that, a beer would be great after work today, but a lukewarm O'Douls will have to do the trick. If you ever want to quit drinking, drink lukewarm O'Douls. It will make you hate the taste and also is less filling with half the calories. There is a reason that a beer or cocktail is good after a long week. My therapist says that it is my seeking nourishment. A nice nourishing luke temp O'Douls today.

Tomorrow will be my first social event sans wife. It is a birthday party for an old friend and roommate who is a new father. Will probably have to try and explain what is going on to a lot of people. I can condense it pretty quickly now and no longer break down. There is nothing more macho than the twitch of a 30 year old man's chin as his eyes well up. On top of that, her sister and fiance will be there so maybe they can take half the room and explain it to them. I also get to go pack up my stuff from the apartment while my wife works at an event all day. My sister offered to help so it will be less lonely and depressing, I hope. The packing will be tough.

One of the loneliest places on earth is the grocery store now. After 5+ years of going to the grocery store with my wife, it just bums me out to be in there. Maybe that's why I am not eating. Plus, you see the people buying tons of cat food and a People magazine and you just start hearing "Eleanor Rigby" in your head. Usually, they are buying Diet Rite, too. http://www.dietrite.com/index.aspx. Diet Rite - The saddest of all soft drinks.

So that's kind of boring, I guess. Working on including more links. Maybe a picture of Bearkid or something.

Goals:
-2 drinks or less at the birthday party (2 a day is socially acceptable for men)
-Eat
-Get in a round of golf
-Sleep
-Think about self and not the marriage
-Avoid listening to Slow Jams or Elliot Smith

One more day down.

OK. Just took this test and it tells me that I should seek help and show signs of being an alcoholic. http://www2.recoverycentral.org/tests/testalco.html

Just took this one and it says that I am an alcoholic. http://webpages.charter.net/rfhale/hopkins.htm

This one gave me a classification of a partier, but it is not admissable in court.
http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=3672075779774672429
43% on the alcoholism index. Here is what it said:
"Good news, you animal! You are The Party-er. You drink alcohol sometimes, and you might even like to get wasted on occasion. It appears, however, you are not an alcoholic"

Today

Last night we had counseling together. I felt it went well. A weird version of well, but well. We both have problems as individuals, so of course it is hard for us to work as a team. We talked in the parking lot for a little bit afterwards and she said "Thank You" and "I appreciate it" a lot. We have individual counseling in the meantime and a joint appointment in two weeks.

She is moving out Memorial Day weekend and her new lease starts next week, so it seems like she has made up her mind of what she needs to do, but we are still not filing papers. I wrote her a check for her half of the joint savings account and she is not using our joint checking account as a courtesy. She can if she really needs too, however, she has reopened her old credit union account and is using that as much as possible.

After the session, it's been suggested that I get screened for alcohol abuse. The question they use to determine if you abuse alcohol is whether you have had more than 5 drinks at a sitting in the past 3 months. Guilty as charged, but I am wary of the Jesus aspect in AA and not really fired up on having a sponsor and none of it guarantees getting my wife back. So...

Also, it has been suggested that I go to the doctor and get checked out. I've lost 25 pounds in 3 weeks and it's been suggested that if I can't start eating, I should go on meds. Not into that either, so for now I am like a fat Karen Carpenter without the voice. Plus, if I was to go on meds, I'd rather just drink it's way more socially acceptable and fun. Ate lunch today to spite the haters. Two pieces of pizza and a Diet Coke.

I have been waking up at 4:00 AM every morning now for 3 weeks. It is no way to go through life. If it doesn't go away soon, I will have to get a paper route or something. It really sucks on Sundays because of all the Paid-Programming shows on TV. Although, there is this really good one where a man of god takes your prayer requests over the phone and then speaks in tongues.

So, now it is all about defining myself outside of the relationship and marriage. Also, need to find a new apartment and discover myself.

Goals:
-Eating
-Not Drinking
-Sleeping without Tylenol PM

Another day almost down.

Starting Today

Starting today, I will start posting my daily update on where I am at in life. Three days after turning 30 my wife of just over a year woke up one morning and told me that she felt nothing for me and was numb. We had lived together and dated for 5 years prior to getting married.

It's been 3 weeks now and I am living at a friends house and getting ready to pack my stuff and move out of our apartment as she has found a new apartment. So here's the deal, we are both in individual therapy and are meeting with a counselor in two weeks.

The purpose of this is to keep family, friends, co-workers and anyone else who cares about our relationship up-to-date on where we are.

Here are the issues:
-Drinking

Guess that's the main one.

Here are the goals:
-Eating
-Not Drinking
-Finding a new place to live
-Defining oneself as an individual and not based on a relationship