Nobody Likes A Quitter

So, the scale wasn't broken at the gym the other day and I now weigh in at 156. I used to between 190 and 200. The good news is that I am now normal on the Body Mass Index scale.

Also, I have been really thinking about quitting quitting drinking. Totally, not going to make any rash decisions and bouncing it off friends, family, and my therapist. I have been enjoying not drinking and feel pretty good about the decision, but I miss the social atmosphere. It is just a question of whether I have that switch or not. To tell the truth, I'm scared to death of it going bad, but what if it didn't and I didn't overindulge and I got to socialize with people and not feel alone. It's not about the drinking, it's about the atmosphere. Still thinking about it, just having a tough time with the alone time.

The awkward relationship is put to rest. The thing that made it awkward was me and I've learned from it and in all fairness, I feel like there was a weight lifted off my shoulders. I was not ready for it anyway, as I haven't really transitioned out of husband mode. This will happen.

Wednesdays still kinda suck, but less than the last two. I will have to figure this out. Moving Friday and bought a couch for a grand. I'm officially growing up and officially divorced. I have never felt so adult in my life.

In the world:
The pitbull is the new Al-Qaeda/Taliban
Tom Cruise has flown in a UFO over the shark Another Tom Cruise link pulled from a link off Gawker
Penises are smaller than I thought
If Bush could build a time machine, he would go back to 2001 and love every minute all over again
Stella is kinda like a cross between Animaniacs and a play. Jury is out on it at this point.

Tied to the massed

At work we always get e-mail for people leaving on vacation to a mass distribution address. I'm not the type to feel that I am that important to the point that the whole organization needs to know that I won't be here, but it got me thinking.

What if you got an e-mail address that would send an e-mail to everyone on the Infernet using a massive distribution list that was all inclusive? People would pay anything for this as long as they were the only one's that had it. They could pitch penis lengtheners to EVERBODY in one fell swoop. It would be the A-Bomb of mass marketing. Anyway, maybe someday it will happen. It would be very similar to a virus and I'm sure that some 11 year old kid in Sweden or Hong Kong is working on it right now.

Reviews:
Balance Bars - Good. Yogurt Honey Peanut seems to be my favorite. Rumor has it that processed whey is not good for you, but if it is all about protein, eating baby bunnies would probably be bad for your karma.

The Machinist - Good movie, but hard to shake Bale's character from American Psycho.

Crossword Puzzles - Still kick the ass of word searches.

Turkey Jerky - So good and good for you.

GORP - Around here we call it lunch.

Until tomorrow.

Phobionic Man

Found this link to a list of fears. I am mesmerized by it. The fear of dinner conversation and things being on the right hand side of your body are my current favorites. Also, this must be made up: Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia — long words

As far as today goes, sucks for some reason. Don't even know why anymore. I need to go hide in a cave clutching my AA one month chip. I am not fit to be around people in social situations right now. Hope nobody finds out.

Reaching the unreachable

Made it through yesterday much better than I thought I would have. Went to dinner with a friend and it got my mind off of stuff for a while. It's bullshit that I should need other people to deal with some of this crap, but I guess I'm just not that cool. It's a hard transition moving from being accountable to someone for every action to being accountable to no one. I have to admit, I kind of miss talking to the same person every day or every night. Wants and needs again.

Made it to counseling this morning. Here is what we are working on: previous relationship/marriage, other relationship (not dating or anything, just a friendship thing), a superiority complex, high standards (being attractive is not good enough by itself), and being alone. With the other topics besides being alone looking like pretty strong factors that will lead to me being alone for a while. Hopefully, soon I will normalize and figure out things that I like to do, who I want to be and who I am. I have no answer to any of those things at this point.

So, at the place I go for counseling there is an Autism center for kids and it really puts into perspective why I shouldn't bitch and complain about my situation. I am probably better off in the long run getting a divorce. Eventually, I will find someone who won't take a shot at me when I'm not looking. Even if that doesn't happen, at least I will have the opportunity to stay out of harm's way. I have control to a certain degree over what happens to me. The people at the autiism center don't have that luxury. When I am lonely on a Friday or Saturday night or frustrated that I can't take the edge off with a drink or even sleep, I can eventually resolve those conflicts or just take a handful of Tylenol PM and start over the next morning. They have been dealt a much more difficult situation to deal with. It would probably do me good to do some volunteer work, I guess. Just really wish the best for those people.

Finally, today I realized that I am still not content or in a stable place. Not like going to do anything stupid, but just not totally happy or satisfied with everything. That day will come I'm sure of it. I just need to wait politely and contently for it to come. I still have no idea what shape or form it will come in, but I am okay with waiting for it. It just better be worth it or I will be pissed. Maybe it will be a dog, probably not a fish or anything. Christ, it could be a taco for all I know.

Hump Day

Goddammit. Everytime I think that everything is cool and that I am doing okay, everything seems to feel like it is falling apart. Today is just seeming really hard, although it is not that much different than any other day. I really wish I could figure out how to make everyday just normal and routine...and just average. Everything is fine. It has to be.

Down At Thunder Island

Went to an AA meeting last night in Los Gatos at the request of a friend. It was good. Still not ready for a sponsor and feel that I don't have a problem compared to the others in the room. That is not good. There is some internal concern that I may be setting myself up to fail by not following the rules exactly. The thing is, if I were to drink again it would only disappoint a handful of people and the rest would be happy to have "me" back. Speaking of that, sat and had some tea after the meeting with one of those people who would be disappointed and it was nice. I hate to admit it, but she does make it worth it kind of, but I realize I am walking a line that could lead to dreaded co-dependence. I am going to check out some information on co-dependence so I stop throwing it around in my head because admittedly, I don't know shit about it.

Anyway, feel like I am on an island today. Wednesdays have been bad for some reason. I'll have to figure that out. I should enjoy being an island and maybe will in the future, but right now it's horrible. Drinking doesn't fix it, though. That I know. Think of Point A and Point B. If Point A is lonely and miserable, having a drink will take you to Point A.5, which doesn't exist unless you are in a Steve Erickson novel. You will eventually make it to Point B and if you are lucky, things will only be as bad as they were when you started, but typically they are worse and you've taken a few steps back and run the risk of falling in to that cycle. Lived it. The thing you have to hold on to is knowing that things will get better and life will work out. It may not be enjoyable, but you have to accept responsibility and accept the pain and absorb it and file it away where it belongs when you have properly understood why you feel that way and learned from that feeling. Drinking is a cop out. Don't get me wrong, I had a nice time, but I kind of ran with it and took advantage of it and kind of lost that privilege.

Well, today's blog kind of sucks. At least I have a defined relationship that I am working with and don't need an alarm clock to wake up at 6:00 in the morning. That's kind of key because I have nothing but a bed and a dresser to move into my apartment. Not even the alarm clock.

Days not even halfway over and I have no idea how I am going to get through it. Going to try and just bury myself in work.

Inside Joke Custody

It started to bother me today that my ex is using some of my jokes in her day to day life. There are some things that they need to build into the marriage laws like they have for property and kids.

First, all of the jokes that I came up with she should not get to use. It is common courtesy and extremely tacky if she does. I mean some of them weren't even my jokes. They were my friends' jokes. That's like stealing. It's okay when you are married or dating, but that shit is not portable. You need to leave it where you found it. For instance, you go to the grocery store and use a grocery cart and you are just using something. You take it home and you are stealing something. In my head, I see her using "N'awesome" to talk to her guy that she is sleeping with. That bothers me. Not the sleeping together, that is shallow and ill thought out or at least should be, but using my word that I took from a babysitter in like 1986 is messed up. I've had that word for almost 20 years and she is just going to take it and throw it around. Pissed.

Just a quick one today. Restarting my illustrious softball career tonight and learning to act normal around girls, you don't have to have sex or marry everything of the opposite sex. Learning. Thirty years old and all of a sudden I feel like a 15 year old. If only I knew now what I knew then. Yeah, that was a joke. TGI Fridays used to be a date and going in the hot tub meant second base. So different now.

Spamlet

Here are some of the sender names that I received in my work e-mail this morning. They are awesome:
Indochinese C. Addresses
Nonetheless R. Doled
Son Silva
Squanto P. Weirding
Dandle E. Headlocks
Consolation H. Birthplace
Meningitis A. Confine
Months F. Moisture
Carniverous T. Brakemen
Table D. Jigsaw
Resolutions J. Quasimodo
Fiendishly M. Crude

Really like Squanto P. Weirding. Not enough to purchase some Viagra in deseerct packages, but I still think that the name rocks.

Another weekend down. 5 weeks of sobriety this Thursday and a new apartment in two weeks. Things are looking up.

Sunday night the ex called because she had "a powerful urge to talk" to me. It was very enjoyable talking about her long distance relationship and that junk. Got lost three times while I was driving during the conversation. It wasn't that bad, I guess. Had trouble sleeping because of it, but that was expected. I'm kind of over sleep at this point. Looking into this, though. Yeah, I am going to try and learn how to sleep.

Everything else is as good as it could possibly be...I guess. Super lonely and don't want to be, but it is all about wants vs. needs at this point.
Want to drink - Need to be sober to deal with the situation.
Want to hook up with chicks - Need to be alone so that I can recover from the situation.

I mean, think about it. Do you think Superman wanted to protect people when he first realized he had superpowers? He probably wanted to rob banks or use his x-ray vision to peep chicks, but he needed to do the right thing or he would probably have trouble sleeping at night, too. I wonder if Superman even needs sleep. That would be an awesome superpower to have to not need sleep, but I suppose if you weren't fighting crime it would get pretty boring. Maybe that's why fictional people fight crime at night. Maybe that's what I can start doing when I can't sleep. I'll have to think about that one. Would need a costume, probably. I think my costume would be a pair of tighty whiteys, dark socks and sandals. I could be called the Englishman and fight crime with my superpower of proper etiquette.

Lastly, got a family picture at the picture place in the mall. Super cheesy. It seemed like every picture had someone on their knees or sitting on a fucking chair. Anyway.

Photo

Urgerrifuk

Had my first real urge to drink when I got my cell phone bill this month. The ex was supposed to split off the account and then do everything she needed to do. Well, the bill was over $400 and billed to me. It consisted of like 400 overage minutes to San Diego for her to call her emotional crutch. Was unhappy about that. Got home was a little shaky, thought about it. It wasn't like the DTs, I was just emotionally wore out and according to my doctor, I use alcohol to cure my problems. Finally, came to the realization that there was no reason to worry about it, we're over so it's none of my business nor concern and that drinking would not solve the problem it would only make it worse. Still, a rough couple of days since Wednesday. Waking up at 5:00 AM again, too.

On a good note, my little sister graduated high school yesterday, so my friend and I went to our alma mater's graduation 12 years later. It was long and boring and it rained, but it stirred up a lot of memories. Particularly, the fact that when we graduated I was Senior Class Vice President (ran as a joke and won on accident) and instead of a speech they asked me to say the pledge of allegiance. I left out the "under god" part and then said "fuck" into the microphone. Mom was proud. Was good to be with family yesterday.

Today has been a'ight, but therapy was emotionally draining, yet also productive. Sobriety makes every thought and action complicated, so I am debating taking a small emotional vacation, but realize it may have an adverse affect on certain individuals in my life right now, including myself. Kind of confused right now. To be or not to be a hermit.

In the meantime, made it past the urge. Figthing co-dependence and eating when I am hungry. Good times. On my fifth week of sobriety. It's weird. Soon, this blog will get readable and useful.

Reviews:
New Foo Fighters - Disc 1 = Tight
New Foo Fighters - Disc 2 = Slow
Batman Begins on Xbox = Good
Apples = Still great after all these years
Notebook on DVD = No way. Won't watch it.
Diet Coke = Delicious
Hell's Kitchen = Could be great. Jury's out.
Jews for Jeter Shirts = Awesome

iTrip and Sex Talk

The Jesus stations are taking over the bottom of the dial and leaving no room for my iTrip to transmit, too. No doubt, part of a coup by the people that make the adapter for car stereos.

Yesterday, I had the weirdest talk ever with my doctor. I went in to make sure my blood pressure wasn't wacky and that I wasn't losing too much weight. Losing too much weight? That's like too much Dog The Bounty Hunter. Impossible. Anyway, he started talking to me about the divorce and reassured me that I shouldn't feel bad for getting divorced and I should think with my head and not my penis and beware of unfulfilling sexual relationships unless it is worked out ahead of time. It was weird, but he meant well. He told me that I should write a letter to my ex and let her know how I feel or else I might start stalking her and stuff. So weird. So, at the end I asked him for some Wellbutrin because I think I might want to quit smoking. He gave it to me, but asked why I would ever want to quit smoking. Apparently, he is a smoking afficionado, as well.

Dry Month

So, Thursday will be my month anniversary of not drinking. It really isn't that bad. Feeling smarter and more creative, but sometimes my mind freaks me out a little bit. Everything is so vivid including the bad stuff, but the bad stuff is being managed. You accept it and you move forward. I missed the last AA meeting, but it was totally worth missing it. Went to go see Layer Cake instead. Totally worth it. Daniel Craig looks just like Steve McQueen in Bullit. Heard he might be the next James Bond, too.

Eating a little bit, too. The thing about not drinking anymore is that you go out to dinner a lot. You also go out to coffee a lot. It puts kind of a damper on your social life, but random hookups are pretty unfulfilling the day after, can occasionally be messy, and take a toll on you emotionally if you are not careful. The key right now is to be healthy both emotionally and physically.

Haven't talked to the (ex-)wife at all. She was supposed to clean up the apartment to try and get our deposit back, but just ended up spilling rust water all over the carpet, so we will probably actually owe money now. Good job. Also, dealing with the most difficult part of the divorce, the AT&T (Cingular?) wireless bill. Sucks. A pro tip would be to never get a joint calling plan with a girl unless you are sure she is the...scratch that. Never do it.

I move in to a new apartment 3 miles from work the first weekend of July and I have nothing except the bed, a pan, a pot and a cookie sheet that won't fit in the oven. So, I've got that going for me. I may just pick up a Ms. Pac Man cocktail edition for a dinner table.

Today's good news is brought to you by the City of Palo Alto Public Safety. I beat a ticket this morning and the officer was totally pissed. We wouldn't look at each other and I had to really struggle to not laugh out loud at him when I beat it.

This blog is getting more narcissistic by the second. Therapist says to work on that, though. I need to not try and help people to my own detriment. It's a new thing that has culminated into buying expensive clothes and things for myself.

Last thing. I broke up with the in-laws last week and it was horrible. They are awesome and I really love them to death and would do anything for them normally. Just sucks that things are far from what used to be normal, so it is a better idea to just leave it alone for a while. I really wish I didn't have to, though.

So, things to work on:
Eat Lunch
Embrace Loneliness and learn to love it
Don't Drink
Sleep More
Smoke Less
Do not become co-dependent on anyone
Kill Time...to what event I don't know.

6 weeks

Since the last post, I found out that my wife flew down to San Diego to spend the weekend with a guy that she met in Vegas on my 30th birthday. Classy, I know, but at least it made filing for divorce a pretty easy decision to make. It's relatively easy when there are no kids, house or cool shit involved. It's pretty much a done deal at this point. The apartment is almost cleared out. She has a new place. I have a new place. I have no furniture or accoutrements besides the bed, the stereo and the computers. Such a divorcee, all I need is a leather couch and a waterbed and I'll be set. Maybe add a framed Nagel above the couch.

The good news is that I have quit drinking and did end up going to AA after a slight relapse about three weeks ago. My first meeting was actually a Homeless Veterans Rehab Program that I accidentally walked into, but I have since found a real meeting and also recovered from being a homeless veteran. Really good people. It's actually a really good move and since then my mind has been a flutter as all my mental energy is redistributed to other parts of the brain. This actually might be a really good move, even if it wasn't willful on my part. My guitars are looking really attractive again, that's a good thing. It has really put into perspective how much of my energy was being put into being married and not being put into myself. I was called a self-absorbed alchoholic, but looking back with a clear head, it turns out I was suppressing most of my creative energy and using it to maintain a relationship with someone who didn't want it anyway. No hard feelings, though, shit happens that you really have no control over and the best thing to do is adapt.

Also, went to the doctor to see if there was damage being done due to my rapid weight loss. I lost 30 pounds to date. The doctor told me I should be happy about it because I am at my optimum weight for my height. The down side is I don't fit into my clothes anymore. It looks like I am playing dress up in my dad's clothes and I am 10. Never really did that, though. Swear. My doctor also commented that I am very marketable. So, I've got that going for me.

In addition, I've been hitting some therapy to deal with whatever else is going on with me. It's good, for now. It's been recommended that I take some Zoloft, but I refuse to at this point. If I need to medicate, I think I would just go back to drinking. It's a lot more fun.

I'm going to try to update the blog more and make it more useful. At this point, it is extremely narcissistic, but a great communication tool for the family. So for now, I will just recommend that people Listen to Ted Leo and The Pharmicists, Look at paintings by Tim Biskup , Drink tons of Pellegrino, Eat Balance Bars instead of lunch, Smell asphalt after it rains, and enjoy the way a nice hot shower feels in the morning. Meanwhile, I will be taking it one day at a time.