Horsemouth

"I sat around and thought about the things we used to do. It really meant a lot to me."

"I really mean that much to you" - Milli Vanilli, Girl You Know It's True

In the words mouthed by Grammy award winning artists, Milli Vanilli...There's not really anything to say about that. Just wanted to drop the quote.

Been sitting around thinking. Thought is dangerous in both tyrannical societies, modern television viewing habits, popular music, and at my desk.

Here's what I've got on the table. An ex-girlfriend that I've turned from a girlfriend to a person that hates me and is seemingly obsessed, although it has cooled way down since it peaked. Still can't really go to some public places without looking over my shoulder, but there has been no physical altercations or surprise visits as of late. It's been quite nice.

I've got a neighbor who refers to me as "Lonely Guy Neighbor." I give nicknames in the complex, not some newcomer 24 year old from Indiana. You need to know the ways of the world before you can start handing out neighbor nicknames like Rapy, Nudist, and Methzophrenic.

Lastly, I've got the hangup. I've been hung up on the girl with the on/off boyfriend for a while now and every time I get burned and recover, I look down and the thorn's in my foot again. I mean, I put the thorn there, but still. It is what it is.

The three things are: a girl who liked me, a girl who sees me as a lonely person who barely knows me and a girl that I like unrequittingly (unrequittedly?) who means well, but just isn't in to me that way. Or, at least does not have the capacity to deal with a girl manbaby. You just know.

I deal with seemingly solutionless problems for a living that are solved with large doses of logic, but can't for the life of me figure out this puzzle. Being from the Nintendo generation, the first thought is to pull the cartridge out and blow into it and try again. When you do this three times and it doesn't work, you've missed the point and have officially put a toe in the water of the clinically insane. Performing the same process repeatedly and expecting a different result. That's insane.

So, the funny thing is, the three things are girl, girl, girl and I think I'm missing the point. The problem is me, me, me. As Pappy says in his logical wisdom, "You are the least common denominator in all of these situations."

First thing. I didn't like the girl enough to pursue anything long term and I made the decision to leave someone that liked me, but didn't make me tingle right.

Second thing. I'm not lonely. People fuckin' love me (apparently) according to other people. I just don't ever believe it and choose to isolate and wallow and punch myself in the brain. That's my bad. I choose to be lonely I think. It sounds kinda crazy, but I think I do.

Third thing. All me. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. If someone is nice to you, it does not mean that they want more. Even phrases like "I love you" and crap like that should not be read into. People say they fuckin' love candy bars. They say they love Justin Bieber. I've even heard someone say that they love Everybody Loves Raymond. Case in point, nobody really loves Raymond in a way more than one would love a salad or Led Zeppelin. This doesn't necessarily translate into anything, but it's not a total loss. It's a genuine sign of liking something, but it's not good to take it that seriously.

Instead, be happy that someone likes you enough to get mad if you are out with a member of the opposite sex enough to send you an email about it berating you. Be happy that a stranger thinks that you are lonely, but personable and nice enough to make casual conversation with you or drop a bottle of barley wine by occasionally. Be happy that you have someone who cares enough to listen to your meltdowns when they happen even if they don't want to be around you.

So, problem solved. I've just got to be breezy and go about my routine. Just had to air it out a bit on the InterWebs. I can't believe I used to pay so much to a guy for this when I could do it for nothing. I might as well have just wrote it on my wall...over and over and over again like a real crazy.

So, be breezy and never look at anything in the mouth. Problem solved. I'm still not buying that lonely guy thing, though. I don't want to be the lonely guy.

Arsenal just tied up the first round of their Champions League game against Barcelona on a penalty kick. Life's not that bad at all.

Rabbit Seasoning

I figured it out. It's birthday season. For me, that can be translated into feeling like Bugs Bunny holding the Rabbit Season sign while the world is Elmer Fudd with a cartoon shotgun. I deal with it with a series of misdirection and sidestepping while dealing with an internal mental dip. You'll never see it behind a curtain of false bravado and smiles, but I know it's there and if you look close, you'll see the cracks.

The 30th birthday book was the first omen. Then, last night, out of the blue, I got a series of texts from my ex entering me into a business trip bargument about the genuineness of Michael McDonald's voice. In the end, the guy who I was third party text arguing with conceded that I seemed like a good guy after I cited it was blue eyed soul and the Doobs never recorded a Motown cover album. So, I've got that going for me.

So, I'm aware of it and have my head in my lap assuming the crash position. I'll get through it, but it gets me every year. Last year it was easy. A small family dinner chased with some drinks with a red head a la Charlie Brown. I tried to dodge the drinks, but in the end met up with her. She meant well, but I was just going through the motions to feel like I wasn't completely alone. I don't even remember her name at this point.

This year is going to be better. I've got a haircut scheduled and then will jump into the rabbit hole until it passes. There's always music, books and movies to keep me occupied until it's over. The day after is always refreshing while I wear another ring around my trunk the next day and clean the dust off for the next year.

TYRIBFY

There's Your Record That I'm Buying For You.

Dude. Deep Cuts?!?!?!?! All Mr. Big ballads?!?!?!?!? There are 15 fuckin' songs on this. You can't just put out a best of the ballads album. Why not put out one called Bad Jams and just have all of the bad jams on it? Or, if you feel compelled to put out a best of ballads, at least call it "For The Ladies" or "Music To Take Baths To."

Just a couple of ideas there, Mr. Big.

Click on the pic to buy if you plan on taking a bath soon.

Yes, I realize baths are getting namedropped alot.

I Just Know

About a week ago some things transpired that have kinda heated up my mental climate. Some good, some bad and then you throw in what has become normal and you have the little maelstrom I consider my day-to-day.

Honestly, I lead a simple life. It's the surroundings that get complicated. I spent all day yesterday with my escape switch flipped and hung out and watched movies all day. I tried to go to the record store, but ended up turning around and going home. I just didn't have the energy for the outside world.

I tried to figure out why and came up with a few things, but they seemed so trivial. It may have been a triggered event, in hindsight. While I have been accused, mostly in a defensive way from people, of being hung up on my ex-wife still, I'm not. We talk sometimes, but any type of intimacy is gone. The friendship is all that lingers. We spent a lot of time together in the past. She knows me better than most and can be good to lean on sometimes even though she is the one that put the biggest scar on me.

So, the trigger? A good friend made a book for me of pictures from my 30th birthday in Las Vegas. It showed up as I was living with him after my ex and I separated due to the trip. It was accidental salt for a fresh wound. It turns out to be one of the most pivotal moments to date of what I am today. On Saturday, my mom decided to pull the book out of some old stuff that she had removed from our soon to be foreclosed house. She took me on a walk down memory lane and then threw in some pictures of me when I was tiny with my dad and stuff. I can accept my past, but I'm not one to take a bath in it.

I was picking up my sister at my mom's house to go to a barbecue and talked with my mom while I waited for my sister to get ready. My mom was on the defensive a bit, I could tell. It was probably the point where she said, "No. Let me finish." and I told her that I hadn't interrupted her. There is some tension regarding the house, regarding the parents split, regarding family relations in general, etc.

Grabbed my sister and we ran to Wienerschnitzel in Livermore to bring ten chili dogs to the barbecue. It's tradition, right? It was really more for nostalgia. When my sister and I were growing up and lived with my grandparents, they would take us there because a Mormon owned it. I won a free corn dog on this particular visit. It was quite glorious. We passed the comic book store that I went to when I was a kid as we made our way to the barbecue with me freaking out about winning a corn dog and passing a disgusting hole in the wall that my band played a long time ago. We played a country version of Star Wars that night after I heckled some woman that kept asking me to play Seeger (either) or Zeppelin all night.

I wasn't drinking at the barbecue so that I could get back home that night. The man cave magnet was turned on full power and I just wanted to get home even though there is nothing there. I also felt the creeping in of some emotional garbage and didn't want to pour gas on the fire that was building. It's the best group of friends in the world, but sometimes, not even they can make me feel okay. This is probably made worse when I'm dry.

At the barbecue, my sister decided to tell the 30th birthday story to everyone in front of me. I'll wear it, but it's not pleasant. A friend's fiance cried and gave me a hug. It's the second time she's done it with the story. I've recovered from it, but when people look at me sadly because of it, it reminds me that I should be sad about it. I take it for what it is. I see it as part of my make up. I wouldn't be me without it.

This turned to the topic of all of my failed relationships since and the "you are the least common denominator to all of this" talk. Maybe it really is me and my horrible decision making. Every time I think I've got it figured out and I think I'm doing the right thing, rugs get pulled out, I get burned, parades get rained on. If none of that happens then I just jump on my sword and ruin it myself. It's gotten to the point that not only do I not trust myself anymore, but I don't trust anyone.

That's basically what I sat around and thought about all day Sunday while feeling paralyzed on my couch. It wasn't a lot of fun, but was probably necessary to process it rather than try and drown it like I've done in the past.

At therapy, my therapist asked me what I needed to feel safe in a relationship. I thought about it for a bit and said that I need to feel secure. He asked what would make me feel that way and I told him that I would have to feel like someone really cared about me. He asked how I would know that and I told him I wasn't sure anymore, but when I feel it, I just know.

Wow. Somebody's got a case of the Mondays.

ipod Shuffle Challenge: Mr. Big Doubleshot Edition

The HughVoltage iPod shuffle review:

1. "Were You There" - M.Ward
This is pretty typical Americana and pretty typical M. Ward. It's like interesting Jack Johnson. It's what it sounds like when you play an acoustic guitar with shoes on.

2. "Brianstorm" - Arctic Monkeys
This song is the shit on Guitar Hero. This whole album is great. Just love the groove of this song. It's totally Munsters with some Dick Dale sprinkled on top of everything.

3. "We Be Clubbin'" - Ice Cube
Why not bump some Cube at 8:09 AM? This shit should be played on DJ Roomba during a housewarming party in the suburbs. I've got the Eye of the Tiger remix of this song in the iPod somewhere. It's dope. Was this made the same year as Anaconda? Can't hold a candle to King Cobra starring Pat Morita.

4. "Oceans Apart" - The Fire Theft
Hands down the best sounding band I have ever seen live. Got to shake Jeremy Enigk's hand that night and was speechless. This song is good. It's 75% of Sunny Day Real Estate. What could go wrong? It's got that nice slow quiet build up into really big Les Pauls through Marshalls in the middle and then just kinda drives along for about two minutes. If you really wanted to dig in and analyze the lyrics. It's Enigk. It's about a girl or God.

5. "Takin Me Back" - Cheap Trick
Somehow, subtley, these guys mastered the art of writing rock songs about diggin' chicks, losing chicks and wanting chicks and got not nearly enough credit. They fuckin' opened up for Poison and Def Leppard last time I saw them, which was almost heartbreaking in it's unjustness and they played the tightest set of the night. Anyway, this song just sounds like a Cheap Trick song. That still means it's awesome. At least awesomer than your band's songs. Yeah, I wouldn't put this on a mixtape or anything, but would defend it in a bargument.

6. "Flynn" - Ratatat
There are a number of types of instrumental music genres. There is jazz, soundtracks, surf guitar, shred guitar, prog, electronic, etc. These guys fuckin' kill. This one is kinda short and repetitive and not their best. Serves more as an interlude on the album and is being caught out of context. The Mirando video is proof that these dudes are rad. I want these guys to do the soundtrack for my funeral.

7. "Zak and Sara" - Ben Folds
Love the lyric "You'll all die in your cars and why's it gotta be dark?
And you're all working in a submarine." It reminds me of a time in high school that I was all out of it in photography class with Mr. Dreyfuss and stood up and yelled "Nice Bureaucracy" at a TA. No reason at all. Total freak.

8. "Hand of Stone" - Mastodon
The drummer of this band is so sick he should get a flu shot. This is really the best thing to come out of Hotlanta in years. Butch Walker might take offense to that, but these dudes are just so metal. Riffs for days. Beards. One of the most boring live shows ever because they just wanted to rock more and talk less. Magnets must stick to these guys. Super metal

9. "Grace" - Jeff Buckley
Pro tip. Don't take a bath and listen to Jeff Buckley. Actually, don't take a bath. The Jeff Buckley story is one of the most interesting and tragic in music history. I'm not going to do the homework for you. Here it is. Anyway, most well known for his Leonard Cohen cover of "Hallelujah," he also wrote some other jams on Grace. Every song on the album is arranged super interestingly, a bunch of songs involve wine in some way and almost every song on the album is deep and dark. Then one day he walks into a river and poof. Dude's found floating in the river by a tourist like a week later.

10. "Unstitch Your Mouth" - Sparta
This is the half of At The Drive In that didn't keep it weird. It's still good. It's just different. This song is like hyped up U2 with less biblical undertones.

11. "Strip My Mind" - Red Hot Chili Peppers
This band ruled until someone told Kiedis to sing. This song sucks balls. Skipping.

12. "Shores of Sin" (Live) - Death Angel
These dudes are rad. Whammy divebombs. Slow, minor bass lines. Then, boom, ride cymbal and thrash metal. This music makes East bay dudes with sleeveless shirts mosh. Seriously. They still do it. My buddy Dave and I met the drunk Indian and "Fishnets" at this show. She was brilliant. She had this move where she faked a fall and I caught her and then she started up conversation. From chivalry to trickery in 1.7 seconds. If you've ever seen the Cow Palace parking lot before a Tesla show, you know that metal chicks are crafty and will do anything in the back of a pickup truck.

13. "Price You Gotta Pay" - Mr. Big
This isn't even the Mr. Big version. I can't even figure out who is singing it. It's from this album Volume 1: Influences and Connections. Dude, whatever, there's some shredding on this album. The King's X cover is sick. Glenn Hughes sings this version of the song and Steve Lukather takes the solo. You will only know Lukather if you have been reading Guitar Magazines since '88.

14. "Road To Ruin" - Mr Big
SHUT THE FUCK UP! My iPod just threw a Steve Seaweed Double Shot of Mr. Big at me? If this goes into a Threefer Madness weekend or Get's The Led out for an hour, I'm going to have to write a letter to Apple demanding an explanation. Anyway, this song is a Mr. Big song. A difficult riff to play that Billy Sheehan and Paul Gilbert play in unison until they both take solos after the second verse. Paul Gilbert just kills it every time. The dude is so good. Again, this song isn't going to make any mixtapes. Now, "Dady, Brother, Lover and Little Boy" might. They use Makita's with pick attachments on that intro and in the solo.

15. "Southern Fried Intro" - Ludacris
So bummed this wasn't Threefer Madness. Great Isaac Hayes sample on this tune. It's actually a sample from a Burt Bacharach's 'Walk On." The song is whatever, but may Isaac Hayes' Hot Buttered Soul rest in peace.

16. "In The Waiting Line" - Zero 7
This is chill out music. It's a favorite for book and iPod by the pool. The chorus will loop in your head when you are feeling abandoned or lonely and it puts you into a floaty, Zach Braff movie montage feeling. Seriously, this song might make me feel invisible just like walking through a Costco after five people have walked right into me. Thought I was Sixth Sense Dead for like 20 minutes in there one day until someone handed me a gelato sample. Also, pro tip, no more Bagel Dogs at Costco. I'm paying $4 a pop for handmade ones at my local grocery store.

17. "I Summon You (Cool) (alternate version)" - Spoon
This is from the Ga x 5 bonus disc. It's cool, but it just makes you want to listen to the original because it was so dope. How great is their video for Underdog? Real musicians making real music. It shouldn't be a luxury, but it's why the music industry deserves to die.

18. "All Over The World" - The Pixies
This is good personal soundtrack music. You could put it on your Walking Through Airport or Biking Through Town playlists. The Pixies mastered this music and if you listen really close you can actually hear the blueprint for Smells Like Teen Spirit in this tune. I never picked up on that before, but if you listen to the Loud Quiet Louds through the first half, you can totally hear it. Weird.

19. "Prelude" - The Fabulous Hedgehogs
The first song from the Hedgehogs metal concept on their last album. I don't know where the rest of the dudes are, but Mike is here. And he is seriously amazing live. You will question everything you have known to be true in your life after seeing him. It's like looking into the Ark without melting.

20. "Times Like These" - Foo Fighters
This song sounds just like The Cult at the beginning. I think it's She Sells Sanctuary. Now, you can go back to the very beginning with Foo Fighters and it's like Dave Grohl has been writing Jock Jams albums before ESPN even knew what they were. I actually figured it out and 86% of all songs he has ever written could be played into or out of commercial breaks during sporting events and 72% of them could be played underneath commentary. The NFL should just suck it up and have the Foo Fighters play the Super Bowl Halftime show every year. It's going to fucking Bieber this year. Watch.

Okay. Back to work.

Voltie's Choice

Here's the setup. I go into the bathroom and I have my Charlie Brown mug filled with coffee in my hand. The only place to set it is on the pipe attached to the flusher on the urinal. I unzip and proceed to use the urinal when it hits me. If there was a seismological or plumbing event, I would have to make a choice. Urine or coffee.

I went through both scenarios in my head. Scenario 1 is that the coffee falls from the pipe and I catch it. This would result in soiled clothing and shoes.

Scenario 2 is that I proceed with urinaling and just wear the coffee stains.

I'm going coffee stains.

Luckily, there was neither a seismological or plumbing event, but still, it was good to know that I had a plan.

Always have a plan. Now, I will go back to finishing the plan for a Predator attack. Step 1 is to cover myself in mud, making me invisible to infra-red. The nearest available mud is 350 yards from here and would take an estimated seven minutes to reach. Always know where the mud is.

Impressted Development

Did the interviews for the new job opportunity yesterday. Got passed around for three hours to multiple people and got asked similar questions from each. It's all part of the process. There actually was one point where a woman asked if I had any questions for her about the job and the Munsters question flashed in my head for a second. My inner ten year old is always there no matter what the situation.

I think it actually went really well. The two worst things that I did that could kill my chances were oversharing and overqualification.

I'm very personable and will be very transparent in some situations. I kept it all businessy, but was honest. I have a job and don't need to fake it with bullshit. They should know what they're getting. There were no sea animals mentioned at any time.

Every person I talked to referenced my resume and then asked if I would get bored in this position because I had extra skills that would no be flexed. Being able to code can really intimidate, but I don't even code that much. It's kinda just enough to communicate between business and tech people. I can serve as an interpreter of logic. I explained to them that if I needed to get a code buzz there were always crossword puzzles, sudokus and computers at home to wreck to spark that jones if it occurs. To learn about anything, it helps to break it.

When I looked back on the three hours of interviews for a highlight reel, I put it into perspective of where I'm at right now. I'll still turn on the HughVoltage show from time to time, but it's much less frequent. The days of waking up in the morning and realizing that you left your backpack with your laptop in it at the bar are gone. Walking to get the car in the morning doesn't happen on weekdays anymore. It's alleviated a ton of stress of the WhatDidIDos and WhatDidISays. There are less random numbers in my phone with cryptic descriptions as a last name. It's much more boring, but it's relatively peaceful and I really feel like I'm moving in the right direction.

If I get this job it could man a move out of Hellrose Place. It could mean a new set of acquaintances. It could mean a ton of things and definitely could serve as that crossroads that has been way way way overdue as I was stunting my development. This could be good.

Here Comes the Pride

So, stuff has finally wound down at work. I hit a personal best of a 75 hour week a couple of weeks ago. It was at the 60th hour when I decided being payed a salary over hourly blows. I grew up significantly through the process.

As a reward to myself, I'm going into a third interview with a different company than my current employer. The job is a significant pay cut, but it's the natural next step in a career path. Plus, it's been like 7 years at a job that I took because the benefits were good if I were to start a family. That's no longer an issue. I'm more apt to start a fight than a family at this point.

In preparation for my first real job interview in almost a decade, I've been looking at some articles online (useless). All it's done is psyche me out. On the other hand it has made me remember some interview debacles from early in my career. One of them may have been a million dollar mistake. Literally.

The first one was on a third interview when the interviewer asked a wrap up question of "Do you have any questions for me?" Being young and retarded, I asked her "If Eddie Munster's dad was a Frankenstein and his mom was a vampire? Why was he a werewolf?"

Needless to say I didn't get that job, however I did learn never to do that again.

The big mistake happened at Google in 2002. It was a shitty adsense inside sales job, but the company was still really young. They had headhunted me out of Arthur Andersen after we were indicted for the Enron scandal. I was a little frazzled by the whole ordeal as it was my dream job. I worked as a mailboy at an Andersen Consulting when I was going to junior college and I had made it to the point of getting mail brought to me by one. It was the American dream, but per usual, Lucy yanked the ball at the last second.

Anyway, I go to Google when they had one or two buildings. Nothing like the campus they have now. There were still jelly beans everywhere and roller blades in the hallway, but nowhere near where they are today. I still had to get a name tag, but there was no NDA or anything.

I hit my first three interviews like a rockstar. I was killing it. Witty. Charming. Interesting. Then, this dude that looked like Ted's dad from Bill and Ted's walks in. He was the International sales manager or director or something.

We started off very light and he started prodding my marketing background as it was a sales position. I discussed the similarities and differences between the disciplines and how ultimately there should be a synergy with them both to enjoy success on both sides of the ball.

The next part is where I fucked up bad. He stood up and started talking down about marketing, which I felt very passionate about at the time. I let it go on for about ten minutes and noticed that there were people waiting outside of the conference room. As a chip became evident on his shoulder, his voice started raising. In my head, I start thinking maybe this is one of those tests in the interview process to see if I have a backbone. I stood up and continued the conversation face to face with him. I think he found it a sign of aggression. He must have done some prison time and had an adverse reaction to eye contact.

We wrapped it up as the conference room was clearly belonging to someone else at that point and he left almost pissed off.

The recruiter brought me to my next interview where I met with a guy who I would be working with. He was pretty much telling me that he had heard that I did really well and couldn't wait to work with me. I kinda told him thanks for the compliment, but it wasn't going to happen, most likely.

So, the question I'm left with is: "Was my pride worth possibly a million dollars?"

At this point, no. On the other hand, a million dollars will barely buy you a house around here and to buy pride is nearly impossible. Yeah, a nice car may give you sense of it, but it's not pride.

Moral of the story? Tomorrow, I'll take a beating if it comes to it. I have nothing to lose and can shake any dust off that I pick up if attacked. Also, the Munsters mailman was a werewolf. No need to ask the question.