All Y00r B33s R Belong To Us

While you were out, we lost your bees.

Wilco - Sky Blue Sky

1. Either Way - Very mellow. Good way to ease into a mellow album. The vocals are really dry which sound really cool on Jeff Tweedy's voice. There are some strings on the bridge that get kind of remeniscient of the Beatles on Abbey Road. Totally cool solo that would sound in place on a Steely Dan album. There is a straight Paul McCartney yell in this song, too. Never Compare a band to the Beatles because it's a curse, but it's immediately apparent.

2. You Are My Face - Starts off with a cool harmony under the vocal and you would never guess where it is going. The opening solo is an exact guitar tone from late Beatles. I hate to harp on the Beatles thing, but it sounds great. It's not like I'm comparing it to the Corey Feldman solo album. The first solo section totally reminds me of the jam outro of "At Least That's What You Said" on "A Ghost is Born." This song is written very cool. It's got a cool flow of upbeat and down beat with very smooth transitions. The guitars tear ass on this album. Not in an over the top way, but in a tons of skill way. This guitar solo is one of those perfect guitar solos that Larry Carlton made cool on Aja.

3. Impossibly Germany - Ummmm. All of a sudden the album turned into AM Gold. It's not bad, it's just AM radio heard from a 1970s conversion van. Also, at this point does Wilco have four guitar players? Sweet harmonized guitars behind the solo. It's like Skynyrd on Vicodin and margaritas. God, that sounds awesome.

4. Sky Blue Sky - This IS Americana. This is a quintessential Wilco song that could have been on AM. "The drunks were ricocheting" is an awesome lyric. Tweedy is gifted in the art of song lyricizing. Reverb drenched acoustic guitars and a slow shuffle immediately bring you down to the speed limit if you are in a school zone. This song cruises at 25 mph. It feels like a drag, but if you were feeling sorry for yourself, smoking, drinking whiskey by yourself on a camping trip in a wifebeater, you want this on your playlist.

5. Side With The Seeds - Okay. Done. Abbey Road. I'm calling it. Listen to the first three seconds of this song and then listen to the first three seconds of "Oh Darling." Then, it starts to get a little Don Henley for me, but I guess that's okay. I mean, I'm more of a Glenn Frey fan than a Henley, but I'd be lieing (that's how we are going to spell it from now on) if I said I didn't own that one album that everybody owned with the Axl Rose guest appearance on "I Will Not Go Quietly." Plus, "Dirty Laundry" was almost a tight song. Anyway, this song is cool, but at this point in the album, I'm running a very hot and steamy bath and writing a last will and testament while looking for a New Pornographers album to cheer me up. At least awesome guitar solos keep happening. These dudes are good, I need to find out who they are.

6. Shake It Off - Okay, so it's very cool to build off something so simple in the intro here. That takes skill. Then, it picks up (thank god) and gets a little Steely Danish. Steely Danish sounds like a delicioun't pastry. Sounds like a phased Rhodes electric piano. That and the Clavinet are a couple of my favorite sounds in the world. The chorus is awkward and uncomfortable. I don't think I like it. There's cowbell for the people who didn't get the memo that liking cow bell is super played out. Yeah, the chorus feels forced. I officially don't really like this song. It's yards above anything you hear on the radio, but it's not one of my favorites. It happens. The song just sounds really disjointed.

7. Please Be Patient With Me - This and "Hit The Switch" would have to be featured on my own personal soundtrack. It's touching and deep and revealing. It takes balls to throw your innermost feelings out there the way Jeff Tweedy does, but he is good at it. He always hits on universal themes that most people can immediately relate to. Of course, a lot of it are the feelings that people have when their blinds are shut and they are having a hard time falling asleep on a Wednesday night. Maybe he isn't writing about himself and when that happens to you, you will look up and he will be standing in your closet taking notes on your worries and sadness. God, that would be unsettling if that happened, but kind of funny in hindsight.

8.Hate It Here - A sad, sad song, but very cool. I still don't like how mellow this album is compared to "A Ghost Is Born." Where's the "I'm a Wheel?" Oh, crap. I just figured it out. I think the band has been listening to a bunch of gospel and are clean and sober. We all know what happened to Checy Chase when that happened. It ain't pretty. The chorus...again, Abbey Road. Is this Wilco's Abbey Road? The production is spot on. Also, this copy may be a pre-mastered copy, so it could change. Maybe the dryness will go away by the release date. This album is definitely turning into that album that would be on while you look around your apartment at 3:00 AM with everyone gone or passed out and surveyed your sea of empty beer bottles that you don't want to clean up before you go to bed. If the album could be described with a color, it would be faded Polaroid yellow.

9. Leave Me (Like You Found Me) - I've given up on this album ever picking up in tempo. Music is all about time and place and there is a time and place for this one. If you just got dumped, are siiting in a dark living room drinking yourself blind, then this album will be perfect. It's all totally good, but maybe I just need to rock a bit. Also, it may be my fault. I've been listening to the Ratt discography and that may be tarnishing my audial palette. Skip.

10. Walken - Olde Tymey song. Background music to a guy in a brown suit with a wax moustache walking down the street and whistling music. Again, cool, but not blowing me away right now. It gets better when the guitar gets all ZZ Top and they start riffing a bit. The guitars go nuts in this song in a Little Texas kind of way. One minute of jamming on the way out of this one. Kinda cool.

11. What Light - Bob Dylan-y. It's going to happen on a Wilco album. Ahhhh. It starts to sound like the Eagles. The Dude abides and the Dude doesn't like the Eagles. You can learn a lot from the Dude. Straight AM Gold.

12. On and On and On - At this point, I just need to say that I love Wilco, but after "Yankee Hotel Foxtrot" and then "A Ghost is Born" the momentum is slowing on their innovativeness. It's okay. Maybe after more listens, this album will grow on me, but the previous two grabbed me immediately and I couldn't wait to hear more. I was even bummed when there were no more songs at the end of a listen. I just wanted more. This one doesn't do that to me. Anyway, this song has a piano line with an organ behind it and very touching lyrics about loss and misunderstanding with a giant hairband drum fill in it. The song then picks up a little bit to try and finish the record on an upbeat, inspirational note. The song is saying "Drain the bathtub and tear up the will you just wrote. Everything is going to be okay."

Album comes out May 15th. If you like Wilco, you kind of have to buy it. If you are not currently into Wilco, work your way up with their back catalog. Don't start with this album. That would be like starting your Poison listening experience with Flesh and Blood.

To Catch A Predator: Semi-Celebrity Edition

Just going through my morning routine of reading the news feeds and blogs and crap to avoid beginning work too early while I drink my delicious coffee. I make really good coffee. It make me think of what Dabney Coleman as Franklin M. Hart, Jr. would do in 9 to 5 every morning. i heard they were making 10 to 6, for real. Pro tiup: Bad idea.

So, I ran into this article about Miss America helping cops out in an online sexual predator sting. WTF? Apparently, they are going to use it on America's Most Wanted. That show has been on since Fox started. It's got to be about twenty years now. Anyway, what's up Chris Hansen? How is NBC going to lower the bar and return fire to Fox? Duh, Jenna Jameson To Catch A Predator. With the mainstreaming of porn to the point of Scarlett Johansson being in talks to play Jenna in the adaptation of her book. Huge fan of porn, but I think it belongs under the beds, in the bathrooms and hidden in the sock drawers of America and not in the form of a Vivid Entertainment shirt on a girl in Junior High. Just sayin'. Time and place.

One note, Scarlett Johansson is the worst host of Saturday Night Live ever. EVER. So, she should be able to act like a pornstar just fine. How can a walking rack have a career like that? Actually, she was decent in Ghost World and Lost In Translation. Outside of that, she sure knows how to smash her breasts together on a red carpet. Good for her.

Trying to post more, but I'm deep in research. I'm delving deep into the Ratt discography trying to determine if they ever recorded a ballad and also how many of their song titles have a form of Love in them.

Work Is What You Make It.

That's all I have to say. I hate birthdays like Garfield hates Mondays and opposite of his love for lasagna. It's not age. It's the idea. I do appreciate how nice everyone is for wishing me a happy one. I just wish that I liked it more. I like them, just not the birthday. I'm also horribly uncomfortable at accepting gifts. By the way, that's my desk. Notice the USB rockets. They are awesome and they are pointed at the door. Safety First!

The Awesomest

Over at the Make blog they have a picture of the awesomest. The awesomest (a life sized creation of the Mousetrap board game) will be on display at the Maker Fair (for nerds) coming up May 19 - 20 at the San Mateo County Fairgrounds. I'm actually thinking of going this year just to see how many people are on Segways.

Nobody Wants To See This

So, sometimes I get overserved by bartenders and forget stuff, but nobody wants to see this on a Sunday afternoon.On a sidenote, I stayed in and watched a movie last night, I swear.

The Only Thing Better Than Porn

Unporn. This is so funny. It was posted on Digg. Unporn at something awful.

I'm totally getting one of these

Someone at work got one of these and it's super creepy. Super Creepy.

"I really don't like it, and, uh, I'm not gonna go"

Sambuyaka and I went out last night after laundry. After laundry is like my after work because I get off at 4:00 PM everyday and have time to do laundry before anyone I know is off. My head was in the right place and I made baked potatoes for us that were delicious. I planned on staying in, however, I taught Sambuyaka how to binge drink about a year ago and now she's all into it and she talked me into going to get a cocktail after dinner. I expressed concern as I'm approaching my ex-wife's second anniversary which is the day that I turn 32 this year, as well. That was code.

First bar, was my local. Smelled like sewage which matched the decor. The karaoke guy was there early and kept telling me to get up a sing. It was like the Sirens of Greek mythology calling out to me, but I resisted it just like Odysseus tied to a mast. We left and went to the second bar. It was still early.

Second bar, there was a Rolling Rock promotion going on. A dollar for a beer? I would drink anything for a dollar. ANYTHING. Sambuyaka kinda knew the promotions guy and she kind of seemed interested so I peeled off and smoked. I am not a cock blocker or whatever the guy equivalent would be. A Vagstopper? I'll need to work on that. So, I walked past guy who looked like Jesus in a tank top and rejoined the conversation after giving her time to set the hook and not pose as a threat to the other dude.

We compared tattoos, related stories of travel abroad and made jokes about fat people. It was like dogs sniffing each other's butts when they meet. After a while, the guy said that they had another promotion at another bar for Bud Select and asked if we wanted to roll with the promotions team. It was such a bad idea, but Sambuyaka wanted to go and I wanted to give her a chance to seal the deal if she wanted. So, we went.

Third bar, same deal. Dollar beers. The only difference was that it was way past my bedtime. This is the point in the night where I just say "Fuggit. I'll go to work late tomorrow." So, we hung out and talked to the promotions people for a bit. I ran out of cash and put a dollar beer on my card and felt that that was kind of pinner. So, I grabbed the first two girls that I saw and offered to buy them a drink. They wanted dollar beers so I had to talk one of them into a shot of Jaeger. She was being a little touchy, but whatevs. The shots came and we did 'em and then my Ol' Jaugey sense went off and I felt like I was about to be molested and I really wasn't into making out in a bar on a Thursday night with a random. She did have a nice rack, though. She starts getting kind of weird when I'm like "Thanks. That was fun." She acted like we were breaking up or something. It was weird.

So, I go back to Sambuyaka and the promotions guy and hang out for a little bit. I run outside to smoke and there is Chickfrombarwithdecentrack. We reunite and she tries to set me up with her friend with a very low level of eloquence. It was more like "Do you wanna fuck my friend? I
bet she would totally be down. Wait here." It was like bad pron dialogue or a Dan Brown novel.

At this point, I'm thinking the night has surpassed the point where I intended it to go. So, as I try to get out of the conversation without losing the enjoyment of a delicious smoke, I text Sambuyaka and tell her that it is time to go. I politely decline the offer to make sweet love to Chickfrombarwithdecentrack's beautiful friend and grab a cab.

So, that was long intro to why I rolled into work at 10:00 AM this morning with a vanilla latte and a purse. Not really a purse, but a vanilla latte is a bit gay for me. I just didn't really even try to get to work at 7:00 this morning. I had totally stopped caring. I didn't rush this morning to get to work. I was already two hours late and kind of just hung out in the shower. I went to Starbucks and waited in a giant line and still wasn't stressed about getting to work. Rolled in booted up and went to meet my new boss to discuss our transition and realized that I'm the last in line for what I do. That means I've really got to fuck up bad for them to get rid of me and also that shit rolls down hill and i will likely be covered in it. I think I need a raise. So, after the meeting (now), I'm just trying to figure out where to eat and then I'm going to Macy's shoe sale. I need shoes bad. OH MY GOD that was so femme. Hey I drank a latte today and went shoe shopping...and then developed a bladder infection. What's wrong with me? Better make that a steak for lunch. Or, better yet, a Manwich. Oh, wait. Manwich sounds kind of gay. First, the moustache. Then, the rainbow. Now, our sloppy Joe's. What is macho anymore?

So, to sum it up. I have completely stopped caring and it has resulted in a much needed bitch slap of peace. I really like not caring. Also, get a promotions schedule from a liquor distributor and drink dollar beers as much as you can. It WILL improve your quality of life.

What do you call pirate's treasure?

Booty...Booty...Booty...That's what it is.

So, yeah. I'm 31 years old and I'm still getting an Easter basket from my mom and my grandmas. I think they are just trying to give me diabetes. Here is an itemized list of what I got.
-Tropical Starburst jellybeans
-Original Starburst jellybeans
-Jolly Rancher jellybeans
-Assorted See's Easter candy

-See's Scotchmallows (2)
-See's Chocolate Walnut Fudge egg with my name on it (The fucker weighs about two pounds and may contain a chocolate chicken.
-Jones Soda Apple Gum
-Reese's Peanut Butter Egg (2)
-Almond Joy Egg (2)
-Gummy Cola Bottles
-Blue Peeps
-Yellow Peeps
-Bag o' Peanut M&Ms, Whopppers, Hershey's Kisses and Reese's minis
-Necco Wafers
-Rocky Road
-Bag o' assorted Tootsie products (1 pound)
-Bit O' Honey bar (They still make them or my grandma shops at Big Lots!)
-Old Tymey Taffy
-Russel Stover hollow bunny

Non-Edibles
-Tiny rubber chicken
-Battery operated donkey
-Balloon helicopter
-Tiny Guitar
-Metal Bucket
-Sparky ball thingies
-Aligator stapler
-This penguin that goes into an egg and then you wind it up and the penguin hatches. That's right ladies: Available and with hatchable penguin toy
-Garden gnome
-A receipt from a store called Country Crockery or something.

So, that's all the stuff. The candy lasts me through Halloween which is the next candy time.

I have a gripe about Easter, though. Did you ever hear about those parent's that don't let their kids have toys and stuff? My aunt is one. I've caught one of her kids sneaking candy and a soda behind our kitchen counter at someone's birthday. Then, she just tunes out as her kids are running around with Red Bulls at family functions, babysitting by ear. Basically, when they finally break something or get hurt, she deals with it. People should not have kids to compete with others or because they feel that it is time. Think it through and in the meantime, aim for the face or anywhere , but there.

So, my mom goes out of her way to get her kids some stuff for Easter and she actually tried to sneak them into the trash (the toys not, the kids, but give it time). I understand she must have been stressed because she had a tummy tuck the next day, but what a crazy bitch. She's really on track to get those kids shuffled into therapy. Luckily, my grandpa grabbed the toys and brought them home for the kids to play with when they visit. He rocks. He built weapons of mass destruction before they were played out. He is also vice Jesus at the church and aststoblessit before we eat. The dude is rad.

Anyway, I've got all this candy now so I was trying to figure out what to do with it. So, after about an hour of old school Battlestar Galactica on some channel called ion, I had it. I went to my computer and fired up Photoshop. I put some pictures of bunnies and teddy bears on a flyer that said "Candy Party. All kids welcome." I then put my apartment number on it and phone number. What could go wrong, right?

"She's Helping Me Work Things Out"

This link to a very not safe for work Consumption Junction video clip is hilarious. This shit has to be staged. It really takes being caught with your pants down to the next step. Then, the dude trying to get out of it is insane. My favorite part is when he says "She's helping me work on some intimacy issues." Oh, thank you sweet Interweb.

We Are Winning

The disaster known as Sanjaya got through to the top eight last night. Please visit votefortheworst for details. If this thing goes through all the way, there may still be democracy existing in the world. Watch this, though. If Sanjaya wins American Idol, we will probably see an American Idol Electoral College installed for a little bit of control over the proceedings. Or, there will be a series of text messages that didn't get sent a la hanging chads. Or, perhaps they will find a bunch of votes in Ohio or Florida. At the very least, it's evident that the majority is pointing and laughing rather than really taking this competition seriously. That would be a little validating, I have to admit.

While You Weren't Sleeping

I managed to get my laundry done last night and am actually in clean pants at work this morning and have a belt on. I fell asleep during the NCAA championship game because Florida was just beating the ass of Ohio State and woke up at 7:30 on the couch a little out of it. So, I rolled to bed at 8:00 PM thinking there is no way I'm not going to get enough sleep. Whelp, here is the play-by-play.

9:27 PM: The world's biggest train must have went by because I woke up.

9:48 PM: I woke up to the last two notes of an 8-bit version of Final Countdown. I had no idea what it was and then remembered that it was my ringer as I started to rouse a bit. I remembered that T had talked about crashing at my place if she got too wasted during basketball. So, I texted her that I was sleeping and just to let me know if she wants me to leave the door open, but then I listened to her voicemail and she had some issue with her ex-boyfriend and was crying so I called her back to see if she was okay. During the phone conversation, I started to feel a little jealous that she was able to channel sadness the way she was doing it. I think it would be much healthier to just cry rather than drink and fornicate. Those are short term solutions where crying may give the user some closure. Too bad being macho is so awesome. Anyway, we got through the conversation and I went back to bed.

12:58 AM: Holy crap almost hit REM sleep on that one. This is the weird one. In a previous blog I mentioned that I had met someone who I was pretty sure was to fall madly in love with me and then we would smash each other emotionally after a brief amount of time. Well, she called me and I didn't even think I would ever hear from her ever again because I was in the bag when we met.
-Plus, her area code on her phone was 805 and I'm pretty sure that is Bakersfield.
-Plus, I'm pretty sure she has a boyfriend and he is more than likely bigger than me.
-Plus, she probably has like four kids and previous bankruptcies.
-Plus, she probably loves hummus and hates Adidas shoes.
-Plus, she probably likes to choke on the first date.
Anyway, we talked and I was pretty lucid so she could've asked me anything and got the truth about it. Her first question, I think, was "Do you even remember my name?" I told her yes and then said the wrong name, but it was pretty close which I think actually impressed her. I then let her know that I was pretty sure we were supposed to start hanging out together and I had no idea why and couldn't explain why it was happening, but that I was pretty sure of it. When I saw her it really did feel like I had gone on my own personal Internet and read some spoilers about my own personal upcoming episodes. I was at the very least making her curious and also probably emanating a crazy stalker vibe. So, I checked my phone this morning and we only talked for like three minutes, but I told her I would set up a time after work this week to meet properly. I'm extremely intimidated because what if I'm way wrong? I would probably still have to try and make it work because I came off all sure of myself. Being crazy is complicated.

3:20 AM: Very bad dream. Not even a dream, it was pretty much a slo-mo replay of a very bad time with dreamlike affectations. So, the memory is exactly like it was except time is a little messed up and Wally Gator is in the room. Aside from that, it's pretty much just reliving it, though. Woke up sweating due to the dream or liver damage according to Web MD or it was just hot.

4:00 AM: World's biggest train must be returning from wherever it was. There should be a law.

5:00 AM: I must've woke up just to look at the alarm clock. This was the point that I remembered that that girl called and it made me smile and feel content for 48 seconds.

5:50 AM: At this point, I just got up and took a shower. There was really nothing else to do.

So, tonight, I'm going to try it again. The goal this week is to get a consistent four hours in a row without the use of sleep performance enhancers. I'm sure it will get better on April 24th. So, 20 more days.

So, a couple things

I realized it's April yesterday which means a birthday is around the corner, however, this year I will officially call it my ex-wife's anniversary rather than my birthday because it will celebrate infidelity rather than me getting one year older. I think that's the move. She managed to knockout Vegas, Valentine's day and my birthday from things that I liked. I guess I should just be thankful that she didn't sleep with my dad or anything. Well, at least not that I know of. I know. Bitter.

Dizzy as fuck this morning. Sunday drinking should be avoided at all costs. This is the second one in two weeks, by the way. I also forgot to wear a belt to work. I feel naked. I've also been up since 5:00 AM and got into work shortly after 6:00 because there was really nothing else to do this morning.

May have actually recovered a number from a girl that I think I'm supposed to fall in love with. It's just a weird feeling I had when I met her. She texted me back when I asked if I should delete that number and if we can get past her having a boyfriend we can probably get to the business of getting to the business of creating emotional bonds and then breaking them as soon as possible. Leaving nothing but despair in our wake.

I'm at a crossroads with a girl that I hooked up with on a one day stand. She was super hot and funny and twisted. Twisted in that way that girls play Gay Mexican porn on the TV when they know you are coming by their apartment. I had a crush on her really bad, but eventually got over it. I ended up joining a football pool with her after we hooked up and now she is sending e-mails for contributions for a walk to cure something. I feel obligated to contribute something, but can't figure out why. We never talk and I even made a point of showing her friend when I deleted her number out of my phone because she is trouble. So, through various methods of making it almost impossible to communicate with her, we still manage to find a venue of communication somehow. Blame it on myspace, we should've never have met and wouldn't've had it not been for social networking and a mutual friend in LA. The universe is weird like that.

Speaking of the universe, rumor has it we are getting our fuckin' war on again on April 6th at 4 AM by way of shelling Iran for making nukes. Why can't anyone just play well with each other. Gas will be at $5 a gallon by the end of the Summer. I think I may start biking it just to not let more money go to big oil. Also, isn't it funny that with the Interweb, there are just no secrets anymore?

Apparently, I've just been informed that I was making grand statements such as "Underwear is just a complete waste of time" last night. I stand by that declaration, by the way.

Finally, I just quickly proofed what I had written up there and realized I should not be let near anyone. The purpose of my existence seems to be to make people's lives more complicated than they need to be. I really just need to leave people alone and let them go on with their fruitful lives. I'm starting to feel like a snake in a garden. Like I'm on this earth to ruin it for for people.

Oooooh. I just remembered trying to find someone to play steal the bacon with the other night. No one can remember how to play it, but I know it involves chalkboard erasers. The game probably vanished when the chalkboard did due to its reliance on said erasers.

Today is turning into the longest day ever.

Sunday Sunday Sunday

So, the plan was to do laundry on Saturday and maybe tidy up the apartment. This is not what happened. I talked to my little sister Saturday morning and she talked me into visiting Pleasanton. So, I called Pappy and told him that I would be crossing the bridge and that we should hang out and grab lunch or something. So we do. I get out to Pleasanton and barter with my youngest sister, who is watching ghost stories on Discovery channel, to watch the Georgetown game until Pappy shows up. we go to the Main Street Brewery, which used to be the Cheese Factory and used to be lame and it still kinda is, but my family met us down there and hilarity ensued. Poor Pappy could have had a chance to finger bang this girl until my family started making fun of her for being stiff and up tight. I will die alone because my family will clown anything I bring home...ever. Anyway, $300 bar tab later, Pappy and I split off and went to explore the Pleasanton night life. As it turns out, there isn't one. Strollers, soccer teams and wine tasting. That is Pleasanton. We did manage to end up at the Sunshine Saloon where you run your ATM card through a credit card machine and a guy you went to high school with gives you twenties out of an envelope. I felt like I was in Mexico for 42 seconds.

So, I wake up on Pappy's couch Sunday morning and give him a ride to his car. We've been here before and this is not a situation that you ever want to be in. On the way, I convince Pappy that he loves concept albums, slow cooking and James Blunt. We grab coffees and walk into the Hopyard, San Ramon. We are supposed to be getting a salad, but as soon as I finish my coffee and a Bass is poured for me, I look at Pappy and tell him that I've got a real bad feeling about the day and I should have.

I will die alone, but not because I lack feelings. I will die alone because I fall in love about three times a day. I did yesterday about six times. Pappy and I end up in Foster City drinking vodka, Fresca and cranberry juice. It was a very nice time. It began kinda fence mendy, but we moved past that quickly. Eventually, I had to sneak out of the situation because I work too fucking early for shenanigans on a Sunday. However, it was a very nice use of a Sunday and I never got my laundry done.

Here is what we brought away form those 48 hours:
"Every day is Friday for Kathy"

"Quit being a fucking Paula"

"Dude, you seriously need to ditch that baggage and get over it."

"I have a long leash and a big gap."

"I would be more than happy to get herpes from Noah Lowry."

"Let's go buy lightsabers. They're on sale at Target for $17.99"