D'yer Rol'ls

This is wrong, but I have to profess a confession.

This morning, while making a fantastic pot of coffee, I was in the break room and this woman came in to get in my way as I moved fluid and lithely between the mini fridge, the coffee maker and my coffee mug. She had worked me towards the copier in her giant fantasmacolored shower curtain dress as she maneuvered herself to the microwave. She opened the microwave and it went down like this: she pulled a plate out of the microwave with five croissant looking things on it as I took my coffee and started heading out of the room.

She then looked at me and said "Do you want one of my rolls?"

I looked at the plate and then at her and then at the wall as I lied, "No thanks. I just ate a muffin."

Now, what really happened was when she said "Rolls" I flashed through all of the rolls on her body, got internally visually sick and then mentally, in my head said "Which one?" in reference to all of the rolls covering her body. That made me laugh inside a little bit and then I told my lie. That's what really happened in about half a second.

Fully Awesome Burbank

Pictured above are the pieces that make up a delicious puzzle. It's the raw elements of the Ready Pac Santa Fe Style Caesar Salad and it's no fuckin' joke. I'm a whore for anything with corn in it, so this salad had me at Hello, but chips, cheese and corn? That's the same chemical makeup as nachos on the food periodic table. I believe it is number 48. 47, is chips and salsa I think.

Anyway, cheese, romaine lettuce, chips, corn and chicken partnered with a non-chipotle dressing. That's a bold fuckin' move right there. You'd think a chipotle honey dressing or something, but no way...Salsa Ranch dressing. The Ready Pac people show real balls right there. Only a company like that would put apples in a prepackaged salad. My hat is off to your boldness Ready Pac people. You are innovators, risk takers and patriots.

So, what could possibly steal the thunder of this perfectly balanced ingredient wise salad? The packaging can, that's what. So, you think it's too fuckin' awesome when you pull the top level of the container out and it has all your ingredients separated from the salad in little compartments. Then, you dig into the lettuce to get the tortilla chips and Wham!, there is half of a spork and you are all like, "Shit, I need to go get a fork out of the break room because these douche bags at Ready Pac only put half of a spork in my container and now I have no handle to scoop salad. But, no, Ready Pac fires back, "Hey douche. Open up that spork and unfold it into a full size spork. Now who's the douche, Mayor of Doucheville, Nevada?"

Seriously, if you squint in the picture above you can see it. It's one of the most impressive things I have ever seen. More impressive than babies. More impressive than anything that your kid paints, draws or does in a recreational sports league. More impressive than a tiger meat burrito...Wait. A tiger meat burrito would be pretty impressive and maybe illegal. Jesus is anything impressive legal nowadays?

Anyway, finished spork is in the photo below, jammed into the delicious salad. My scissors and my favorite brand of highlighter are in there, too. Only because it's near Christmas and if you are buying me highlighters, that's my brand. While we're on that subject, I also use Number 3 pencils exclusively. There is one in the picture if you need a visual reference.


Now, something completely unrelated. Did you know that Burbank is fully awesome? Here's proof.
More proof. The place was lousy with Fully Awesome signage.

I like to think that if Axl Rose remade the Welcome to the Jungle video that he would not be getting off a bus in downtown LA, but rather landing at the Bob Hope Airport in Burbank. It's only like the best airport ever. Best soundtrack. Best twelve dollars for two pounds of pasta. Best looking people when compared to the ugliness and obesity that is the San Jose International airport. Amidst the current financial meltdown, I'd say that Burbank is one of the last banks that you can believe in. Dad Joke. Zang.

Hugh B. Forty

Jesus. I suppose I owe an apology to the Interwebs for my lack of buy-in over the last few weeks (month). The God honest(awful) answer is that I've been busy in these subjects:

Work: Who cares about work

Weddings: Attended and participated in a beautiful wedding between two of the most beautiful people I know in lovely Portland. There was a little bit of everything in a break neck weekend in Portland, OR. Got to dress up like 007 and have a prom style hookup. Basically, two kids groping in the dark in a hotel room. Just like prom. I also managed to find a first printing of The Shining in the hotel's main lobby bookcase. If it wasn't missing the dust jacket and such a rad Easter egg, I would've put that shit on eBay in a second. Had a wonderful time and managed to not ruin the wedding, go to the most surreal strip club (the strippers put their own music in the jukebox while they are completely naked and there is a full bar), and even get a couple of Voodoo Doughnuts and a gnarly ass-kicking cold from the weekend. Oh, and some kick ass Arsenal cuff links (Thanks, JD and B!). Really the wedding was an awesome time and you could actually feel the Jungian libido of my brain moving to the "everything is fine" side. When it was all said and done I felt more emotionally sound and actual happiness than I have felt since 1998.

Acting: Let me preface this by saying that I am no actor, but have now acted in something. In life's constant pursuit of a presence on IMDB, I've finally done it with a credit as Chris Isaak. A friend sent me an e-mail asking me to play Chris Isaak in a project that he was writing and I thought it was a jab at me. The script showed up shortly thereafter and I started learning some CI tunes on guitar, still half assedly. I received the shooting schedule and booked a flight and it was fucking on.

It was one of the most intriguing experiences I've been in to date. Let me say right here that acting is really fucking hard. There is so much more than memorizing shit. There is interaction with others and yourself while spitting memorized strings of text while you move around. There is emoting. There is guitar playing and massacration of Chris Isaak hits.

The anxiety when compared to playing guitar in front of a bunch of people pales in comparison when there is a camera a foot from your face and you are talking to someone and can't look at it. The whole thing was a real fuckin' trip and actually really awesome. The after effects have been seeing behind the curtain when you watch TV.

For instance, there was a dude from Mad Men in the shoot and when I got home, I caught up on my Mad Men and there's the dude I was watching football with and hanging out with, but it wasn't really him on the screen. He was really some dude in the 60s.

I was humbled and inspired by the whole experience and really enjoyed it. Plus, all the free Emergen-C you could drink and all of the snacks in the world. They also called me "Talent" which I found a bit presumptous, but they were all very gentle. The director and the other actors were so incredibly nice and supportive that the whole thing felt like an Alcoholic Anonymous session without the Jesus element.

By the end of it, it started to feel a little more natural and I think if I do it again, it'll be really awesome.

Legal Issues: I got officially convicted of Driving Under the Influence. In fact REALLY under the influence enough to get an enhancement on the charge. So, I had to go get enrolled in a 9 month DUI class and pay a gang of fines and go get my "Restricted" license from the DMV. An exercise in waiting and flaming hoops to jump through. On the path to resolution, though, and come July, god willing, this will all be behind me. I've learned my lesson and not going to jump over this candlestick ever again. Hugh be nimble (like a ninja). Hugh be quick (like a ninja shark). Getting a DUI kinda sucks dick.

So, that's it. Sorry I've been neglectful.