I'm a Whore

I was auctioned off last night for $120. I don't know if that is bad or good, but be good for goodness sakes. So...Christmas spirit in October.

The event was to benefit Hurricane Katrina victims and was a costume theme. Nobody told me the costume part, so I kind of stuck out. Nobody told me that I would be the only bachelor to auction off either. So, I got kinda bombed. Things about last night get blurry, but blurry for a good cause. I woke up this morning in a pretty nice hotel room I don't want to say where. There were two women in the bed next to the one that I was sleeping in and there was a woman in the bed that I was sleeping in. If I remember correctly, she was dressed up in a very hot outfit that I will not say what it is just in case someone could read this and put it all together. Nurse with giant boobs smashed together and Sexy Witch were in the other bed. You've got to love this Gay Christmas (Halloween) holiday. That's where things start coming back about what went down last night after the party. I remember the three women taking me to a bar in downtown San Jose............................We went to bed at 5:00 this morning. Seriously, I was expecting to wake up this morning in a bathtub filled with ice and missing a kidney or at least have my wallet stolen and have to pay for the room or something. Things are coming back today as it drags on and the night is getting weirder and weirder as I remember more stuff. One would think it was scripted.

I was worried about karma this morning when I went and got one of them a soda from the vending machine. I put my money in and hit the button and I shit you not, Cokes just kept coming out. I had six in my hands when I stopped pulling them out of the machine and could hear them keep coming out when I walked away. I think that is good karma. I'm a helper. A giver.

I think I forgot to rinse my conditioner this morning in the shower. That sucks. I'm super tired today and have a wedding in an hour and a half to go to. That should be interesting. I must stay in tonight and get sleep or I think my head will explode.

Freezy Money

It is so cold in my office right now that I am thinking about cutting a Tauntaun open and sleeping in it. Can't feel my hands.

The World Are you Serious?

Kinda sick, but events starting at 5:00 pm tonight have absolutely demanded a blog. First of all, Michael McDonald, Wynonna Judd and Halle Berry''s "sex addicted" husband, Eric Benet (sp?), plus one other person sang some new let's go America we are awesome song before the game. Then, they chase that with Michael McDonald singing the most soulful rendition of the national anthem that anyone has ever heard. The man still has it and could take Huey & The News anyday for the national anthem performance. Yeah, I call him Huey because I met him in fifth grade at Cal-Expo in Sacramento. He kind of smelled like weed. Seventh inning stretch had Aaron "I don't know Much" Neville singing God Bless America and after that I thought I could just coast through the rest of the game without the Banana Splits jamming through the outfield and what happens? Steve fuckin' Perry in a White Sox hat with Don't Stop Believin' playing in the background. Now, the man that sang Lights is a Chi Sox fan? WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I mean big props that he found baseball in 2002. Some band guys never do, but why not the Giants or the Modesto A's or something. Joe Buck went on about how during the season the Chi Sox would listen to Journey to keep them inspired this year. So, as a result, they requested that Steve Perry attend all of the World Series games. Don't you think that Neal Schon would have something to say about this. The guitar lick on the intro gets no credit over Steve Perry's vocals on that song. Smell of wine and cheap perfume? The movie never ends? What are these lines in comparison to Neal Schon's Crescendoing hammer-ons in the beginning of that song. I'm enraged. I will have to add to this when I have recovered. I am absolutely spent by having to think about this travesty.

Charm Wrestle

So, I was in the lobby waiting for my bi-weekly dose of therapy. It's funny, I spend an hour every two weeks talking about my lovely ex-wife and she spends an hour every two weeks talking about herself. There is something there in between the lines. Also, I think she may be the only person reading this. Not the man of mystery that I never was. I digress. I was sitting in the lobby reading American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis. It must have looked like a manual in that environment. It felt awkward.

So, last night I had an idea. After softball, I would go have a beer and then go home and watch Lost. I had told the owner of the bar I would come back and we could strategize about his Wednesday and Thursday nights without going to the karaoke step. Well, we ended up hanging out for a while and I realized I was at the cab step. So, then these nerds in their Palo AltFits (blue/black pants and white or blue button up shirt) challenged me to arm wrestle for shots. So I did. I wasn't into it so I ended up having to buy one of the guys a shot. Then, they decided they should take me to another bar and I went with them. At the next bar, I bee-lined over to the bar to order a beer and started cracking up these two girls by bragging about my credit cards as a joke. I was pulling out my Safeway Club Card like I was going to pay with it. They cared for it and started asking me questions off of their Laffy Taffy wrappers like they weren't jokes, but actual questions. "Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? Because demons are a ghoul's best friend." I was berated for not knowing the answer to that. So, we start bagging on all the guys that I walked in with and calling every one of them Patrick Bateman and stuff when they would come over. We had decided that one of them was crazy and trying to figure out which one it was. Then some Lithuanian who was honestly like six feet ten walked up to one of the girls and asked her what he would have to do to get her to make sex to him. He was awesome. Good times. I think I have one of their numbers and it turns out it is real and it's from Ohio. That was fucking Wednesday. In retrospect, horrible decision, but who says fun can only be had on a Friday or Saturday.

Frigidly Devoted To You

I have the coldest office at work. It starts off comfy in the morning and then by about noon I can't feel my hands. The theory is that my work loves me so much that I am being cryogenically preserved. It's just kind of embarrassing when I have to take my giant clown Pez dispenser and close the vent when people are in my office.

I so have birdflu. I had a cold for all of last week, woke up in the middle of a Tylenol PM trip and thought I was going to die when I passed out on the bathroom floor at 5:00 AM and I still am not feeling better. It culminated with me losing my voice Saturday morning. Now, I would be lying if I said Friday night I didn't sing the shit out of "Running With The Devil" by Van Halen, but still, I used to be able to do that very frequently and not have this happen. So, birdflu. Now, I would also like to point out that I did not have said birdflu before my ex started communicating with me. Coincidence?

Things that are stupid:
1. Rocky VI - It's been joked about and I heard Mr. T will play an announcer in it as Clubber Lange, but it is still a horrible idea. It would maybe be good if in it Rocky Balboa executive produced a show about boxers that was so horrible they had to move it to MS-NBC for it's finale. Stallone is grasping at straws at this point. I'm thinking this will make Judge Dredd look like Citizen Kane.

Things that are scary:
1. Bigfoot, AKA Sasquatch. - Scary and don't think for a second that he or she is a myth. They are just smarter than us humans with their link to their instincts. If we weren't so soft from reality TV we could go out and not only find a Bigfoot, but then wrestle it to the ground and expose it to the world. I'll add that to my to do list. That makes Laundry, clean bathroom, and capture Bigfoot.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Honestly, right now, I would spend $3 and 63 cents to fall asleep. Two Tylenol PMs and I can't catch one z. Still sick, can't sleep. Talked to my ex for a little over an hour tonight. I can't fix any of my mistakes and I just sit there in bed exhausted thinking about them. Not a wink. This blog it now my bitching post, I guess. There is something so creepy about working on a computer in the dark, too.

I think I am going to go have another go at it. Actively sleeping.

Tylenol PMsnt

Still sick and I feel like the only person on earth right now so I thought I would write to myself. The Tylenol PM isn't working. It usually knocks me out, but as I sit in a dark apartment typing I feel like a cast member from Night Of The Comet. The tagline is awesome: "The last time it came the dinosaurs disappeared." Sounds like something the news would use to get you to watch a story on E Coli or something.

A weird thing happened tonight. I found myself pulling for the Yankees tonight and even Jeter. Is it possible to hate the Los Angeles of Anaheim in California, USA Angels that much? I hate Jeter. I don't know how this happened, but I might bring it up in therapy.

Also, had a talk with my mom tonight about stuff and she told me that she talked to my dad after he left us (my mom, my sister and I). She said she was single for five years. I really hope that one skips a generation. I will go crazy by then or just totally cut myself off from everything outside of work probably. Regardless, it looks like a fight with drinking is brewing again. That was awesome I used brewing in the sentence about drinking. I just need to figure out what I want to do. There must be something to immerse myself in that is productive, fulfilling and positive.

I'm also thinking about putting my torches out for my current run through Bridgetown. I received some gentle prodding tonight on that issue from an angel that used to be on my shoulder. I will never fall asleep at this rate. I wish I had a copy of The Notebook on DVD. I might have to put on Logan's Run and see if that works.

Life's A Breach

God, is breach spelled like that? Put that on the list of things that don't look spelled right. Chased a cold all over San Francisco at all hours this weekend. Caught it by this morning. I thought it was a just a combination of hangover and Tylenol PM. I even got ready for work and walked to my car before I decided that it wasn't right.

So, been at home all day and I tried to do some work, but my eyes are burning and my head hurts. This is when you miss having someone who cares around just to come give you a little what's up? and kiss you on the head when you have had no interaction with anyone all day. This is just the first time I have been sick and single. I really don't care for it. Also, the blog has been breached. Man of mystery, nothing.

I've played six games of FIFA Soccer 2004 (that's sad, but Arsenal was better that year) and watched The Incredibles.

Now, the Incredibles was a good movie, however it is one of those movies that parents just go on and on about because it is actually bearable to watch and their kids love it. The parents are following the plot in this case, and going "Oh, that's a lot like the fantastic four. Oh, I get it. Fantastic - Incredible. There are four fantastic fours and four Incredibles. Wow, how witty and look my child is laughing because the guy's window broke. That's not even really funny."

Not bagging on kids. Would love to have one someday to pull out of this rut and have somewhere to direct all of this restlessness and idle energy. Kids are like guns. If you put them in the wrong hands they are ruined for everyone. So, here is a bottle of pills and a helmet for all of those kids being ruined by those wronghands. There could be one near you for all you know.

Anyway, suns out. I need to put a big smile on to break through my miserable fog and quit being so super grumpy today. Thought about trying the Wellbutrin today, but it might be more appropriate to cut some chemicals out of my diet before I add anything else in. It's already complicated enough.

Th pic is totally unrelated to anything, but I can't believe my mom left me with those two coaches when I was 9 years old. They kept the equipment in old army bags and drove an El Camino to every practice and I'm just guessing, but I think they have seen the Scorps live. I wonder what Round Table they are managing right now.

Next blog, gonna bring the news and something of value.

Are you going to murder me or stage an intervention?

I know you are watching me.

I know you didn't check back twice.

If I were Superman, I would not be drinking Johnnie Walker Red for sure, but I suppose the red goes with his outfit. I would like to see General Zod come down to the same bar with Supes all tore up and get a bottle of at least Blue Label and just be like "Son of Jorel, your scotch kneels before Zod's."

All for now. Here's to nice times.