Ask and Ye Shall Receive

The arms race is starting again. If Bush is behind it, it must be the way Jesus whispered it into his ear, so who am I to complain. Two things that I am looking forward to are 1) Red Dawn II and 2) Moscow Music Peace Festival II. Ideally, Moscow Music Peace Festival with exactly the same line up. I mean, what the hell has Gorky Park been up to since that show. Bang! Say Dah Dah. Wait. They might be the Red Elvises. I'll look into that. Also, the price of your American blue jeans just went up.

Things That Are Wrong

Go to this link. You should see a woman on a pole in here room in front of a mirror. Now, look in the mirror and you can see two kids sitting on the floor in the room while the picture is being taken. Good job mom or babysitter.

Oh, also, it's from break.com.

Mark Morford is a Fucking Genius

I rate him somewhere in between Tom Robbins and myself with myself being the negative 1000 on the number line and Tom Robbins being the 1000. Please don't misinterpret that as egoism.

Read his column this week. Incredibly Drunk.

Mark Morford Archive

This is awesome

From somethingawful:

Children's Books.

Noisebot

This site brings the funny. The shirts are great. My favorite has got to be "Drink Apple Juice. O.J. Will Kill You."



Noisebot

Two Words

1) Blotto
2) Liar

Here's Why: Paula Abdul Breaks Her Nose Boozing.

The exact same situation happened in front of my parent's house to one of my mother's friends. She got boozed and broke her nose on the curb and said she tripped over her dog. To her credit it was a big dog and not a chihuawhatever. They need to remake Sunset Blvd. and star Paula Abdul and that fucker Constantine (or future Kato Kaelin as he should be known).

If you are like me...

...you had no idea that Jazz Pants existed. I just saw it pop up as a google ad and was curious about Jazz Pants. I knew what Jazz Hands were, but Jazz Pants? Not as crazy talk as you may have previously thought.

OMG! Yep those are unitards. Holy Crap! This site is hilarious.

Romancing The Stone: The Restaurant

While discussing a remake of Victory starring David Beckham and Owen Wilson over IM, my brain stumbled onto the idea of a Romancing The Stone themed restaurant-slash-dining experience.

The menu would have a Romancing The Stone theme with The "Aw Shit! The Doobie Brothers Broke Up Green Salad" and some left over Cap'n Crunch chicken from Planet Hollywood as it's signature dishes. Signature drink would be the Cartegenarita.

The waiters would all be dressed up as Jack T. Colton as played by Michael Douglas and the waitresses would be costumed as Joan Wilder as played by Kathleen Turner and her man voice. Danny Devito impersonators would bus the tables. Anfd finally, Billy Ocean would perform two songs at the top of every hour with Eddy Grant alternating with him when he needs breaks.

Now, you hardcore fans may point out that Billy Ocean did the theme song from Jewel of the Nile and not Romancing the Stone. You are right, but do you want to hear Electric Avenue while you eat and think of the effect it would have on the staff. They would go crazy.

The restaurant would be decorated with memorabilia from both movies including Jack Colton's shotgun, machete and jacket. The VIP seating would be set up in the original crashed airplane from Romancing The Stone and available for corporate events and weddings.

Evolutionary Journey

So, I was on the fence about going to the Mountain View a la Carte and Art festival this weekend, but meat on a stick and day drinking are right up there with gold lame hot pants. I'm a tard for that stuff. I have issues. Anyway, the MVALCAF is the kickoff to art & wine season and is usually one of the better day drinking events on the Peninsula. Plus, it's near the train, so blotto is optional. I checked the entertainment schedule and saw that there is a Journey cover band called Evolution playing at 4:00 PM on Saturday. It really couldn't get any better unless I went and saw them at the Pittsburg Seafood Festival in September.

While I was researching them, I found an East Coast version called Evolution that is more of a tribute band because their lead singer looks like Steve Perry. Either way, I win.

Cat Bow Arrow Golf

I'm so good at Cat Bow Arrow Golf. Thought you knew. At least until Hole #8. At that point, I kinda shit the bed.

Cooler Than You, Dude. Cooler Than You.

Cnet has an article on a dude that binarily programmed his Guitar Hero controller and put together a band that uses the controllers in tandem with a laptop to play live. I'm stunned. I also might add that Guitar hero is only the best game ever.

Guitar Zeros on Cnet.

Guitar Zeros InterSite

Where Are Your Nuclear Wessels?

I know how to fix this: Humpbacks in The Delta.

All I need is some transparent aluminum, a klingon ship that has been slingshotted around the sun that results in time travel and Spock and this shit is a done deal.

That is the nerdiest reference I have ever been guilty of. I'm talking Star Trek IV.

A Hole Without A Key

First off, I talk way too much and never stop talking. It gets to the point that I start to annoy myself. I like to believe that I'm not an ego aficionado and that I'm just doing it to fill an audible void because silence drives me crazy. That's got to be it. The reason I talk too much is because I fear silence. Regardless, I get that Wilco lyric "A hole without a key/if I break my tongue" now. Here, I'll write my whole conversation from last night "BLAH BLAH BLAH."

Second off, today is Minus the Bear Friday. I started off this morning with They Make Beer Commercials Like This and will be advancing to Highly Refined Pirates. First line from Highly Refined Pirates is "And then we all bought yachts." Fucking brilliant. The thing about MTB is that their song titles are insane and have nothing to do with the song in most cases, kinda like Zeppelin without being so hippy. So here is the track listing for They Make Beer Commercials Like This:

1. Fine + 2 pts
2. Let's Play Clowns
3. Dog Park
4. I'm Totally Not Down With Rob's Alien
5. Hey! Is That A Ninja Up There
6. Pony Up1

And here is the track listing for Highly Refined Pirates:

1. Thanks For the Killer Game of Crisco® Twister
2. Monkey!!! Knife!!! Fight!!!
3. Absinthe Party at the Fly Honey Warehouse Note:This song is really good.
4. Hey, Wanna Throw Up?
5. Get Me Naked 2: Electric Boogaloo
6. We Are Not a Football Team
7. You Kill Bugs Good, Man
8. Spritz!!! Spritz!!!
9. Women We Haven't Met Yet
10. Damn Bugs Whacked Him, Johnny
11. I Lost All My Money at the Cock Fights
12. Andy Wolff
13. Let's Play Guitar in a Five Guitar Band
14. Booyah Achieved

So, anyway, Highly Refined Pirates is a fucking solid album. It's not chock fulla hits like Bon Jovi New Jersey was, but think of it like that album with no MTV support and no Bon Jovi keyboard player or Tico Torres soul patching.

My Minus The Bear story is that when I saw them I got my drank on and went up to their merch booth and politely apologized for liberating their full discography from a server somewhere and gave them twenty bucks. The girl at the merch booth was like "Take a shirt or this wallet or something." And I was like "No. It's cool. We're even now. I don't feel bad about it anymore." And she was like "You're totally clean karmically." It was an awesome show, too. A Minus The Bear show features finger tapping a la Satriani. You don't see that a lot anymore.

I'm going to jump to my new idea to compete with iTunes. When I was in high school I worked at a record store called City Records. It's funny how many times people would call thinking it was the City of Pleasanton's records department, but I digress. We sold used CDs before anyone did in the area and had a ton of them to choose from. It was pretty awesome and then everyone started doing it and we were crushed by the man. It was fun, though. One day I flushed my pager down the toilet while using the restroom. I'd call bullshit if someone told me that that happened, but I swear it did. Speaking of that, I dropped my chapstick in the toilet while I was peeing the other day and took it out and cleaned it off and still use it. That's gross isn't it? Oh, so anyway, my million dollar idea is to sell used mp3s from a kiosk downtown. This is how it works:

1. Building inventory - At first it will be slow going, but I have some used mp3s I don't really listen to anymore, so I can put those on the store hard drive or even just burn them to a CD. I'll buy songs for 10 - 25 cents a piece depending on whether it is a current hit and in demand. The person selling the mp3 must sign a contract releasing their right to listen to that mp3 anymore and I'll send that to the RIAA with a P.S. of "Fuck You." So, that's how I build inventory. I pay 10 to 25 percent of what iTunes charges. That's my Cost of Goods Sold.

2. Making papes - At my kiosk, I'll start with my laptop and let people just browse for what they are looking for. Maybe I'll even put some playlists or recommendations folders together to help people find what they are looking for. I'll then sell them the mp3s for 25 to 50 cents each and burn it onto a cd for them for a nominal fee. If they bring their own cd, I'll handle it like the canvas bag at Trader Joe's and enter them into a drawing for a gift certificate.

3. Getting interesting - Where I've got iTunes beat is I will have a cut out bin like record stores had when I was young. So, record companies send out promo CDs to get people to play them in record stores or write about them in the media. These are those CDs you get for a dollar with a cut gash in the spine or a hole punched in the bar code. Technically, the store is not supposed to sell them, but whatevs. Also, albums that just suck ass get put into the cut out bin. The bins aren't around anymore, but they used to be full of Frampton Comes Alive and Ted Nugent Records back in the day. So, anyway, I will have a folder in my laptop called the cut out bin folder and sell mp3s out of it for a nickel a piece. I might even go crazy and have a penny bin with stuff that I hate just to degrade it a little bit. It'll be full of shit like anyone who was ever on American Idol except for Kelly Clarkson. Only because she's kind of cute in a it-would-be-so-wrong-to-hook-up-with-that kind of way. I'll also just have a bunch of unlabeled CDs around with mp3s on them that I'll sell as grab bag items for like a dollar or two. I'll call them Mystery-Ds. You have to say that out loud to get it.

So, all I need is a name, a kiosk and probably a monkey as an assistant and I'll be ready to quit this job and start making papes and papes selling used mp3s. I thought I told you that we don't stop and if I forgot to, I'm telling you now. Holy shit! I'm going to call it MyTunes like MySpace and iTunes in a car accident.

I Really Hope This Isn't Real

Turd Twister. It turns your poo into Play-Doh.

Ice Spiders

There is really nothing to say about this except, Ice Spiders.

My Sister is Brilliant

My sister Chelsea and I were discussing the brilliance of Sisqo at dinner the other night and she posted it to Herspace. Thong Song was proof that the American culture is devolving at an alarming rate and doesn't/didn't Sisqo look like Chris Tucker in The Fifth Element?

Sisqo Doll

I Just Invented New Punctuation

I present to you the PseudoColon. Proper usage is pending, but here is what it looks like. I think it's what you use when a colon is way too much, a semi-colon is a little too much and a comma is too little with a period being totally inappropriate for breaking up the idea into two sentences.

Here's What I'm Currently Staring At

Found this on BoingBoing this morning. It is kind of brilliant. It's a line of clothing for women that has tiny embroidered statements like "No Time To Fuck" on Anthropologie-like shirts.

Oh my god. Anthropologie is the worst store in the world. It's hell on earth for dudes. I would rather sit on a pile of Tampons talking about weddings and babies at the grocery store while reading Us Weekly and People magazine for three hours than spend ten minutes in that store. I hate that I know that Jaime Pressly had a boy and named him Dezi after Desi Arnaz because I had to look up that link URL. Wait, isn't she on that show My Name is URL? That is the worst nerd joke ever.

Couple Things:
Ratt - Invasion of Your Privacy starts off so fucking fierce it should get some kind of hair metal medal. For proof, just listen to "Lay It Down." When you look down, after the song is over, you will notice that your socks are gone because they were just rocked off. In some cases, your cock will be out because you were subconsciously in the state known as Rock Out With Your Cock Out in some circles. Seriously, Lay It Down will take the paint off the side of your house if you aim your stereo speakers at it.

Second thing, is Joanna Newsome. I'm late to this train, but I'm pretty blown away by her Ys album. She sounds like Bjork with a dick at a Renaissance Faire. Notice the "e" on the end of that. Her lyrics are deep, quirky and interesting all backed by a harp. I read somewhere that Van Dyke Parks did the strings on this album, as well. I'm getting soft, but this album has been getting played a lot. It's just interesting, I guess, in a way that Dave Matthews can't even be in his dreams. Ben & Jerry's should change the Dave Matthews Band flavor of ice cream to vanilla. Or, even better, French vanilla, so not only is it boring, but it's shitty, too.

You Can Never Go Home

This is what Pleasanton has become.

Wrong in so many ways. I probably walked past this girl at some point in my high school career.

Stoneridge Mall is two steps from Southland at this point. I wonder if they are having sideshows in the parking lot yet.

Please, sir, can you pass the edamame?

I've been a bad poster lately. Work's been weird and life has been a collection of attempted leaf turning and grocery shopping. I love grocery shopping and laundry. I should be a stay at home mom/wife. I've met a few. Idle hands are not usually good. That's a completely different subject, though. Also, I might add that watching porn while you fold, really helps you look forward to laundry in a Pavlovian way.

This article on Yahoo! News spurred the post this morning: Feathered Robot, French Maid...

Between cosplay, LARPing and Battlestar Galactica, I'm at a standstill of even knowing what to make fun of anymore. In reality (horrible term for this conversation), I can't make fun of Battlestar Galactica because I think it's the best show on TV. Bears do not beat Battlestar Galactica. Also, I think I really dig the boots that are part of the cosplay community. Those boots in tandem with a spandex jumpsuit would guide my ship into the rocks easy peasy-like.

One more thing is that LOL Catz has officially arrived as the next big thing. Watch and you should see it mainstream in about 3...2...1...