How To Be Awesome: Chapter 1

Go to work at 7:00 in the morning clutching a plastic Safeway bag. Dock your laptop and power it up and then go into the break room with your plastic Safeway bag. Place your bag on the counter and start making coffee for the office. Only make ten 6 oz. cups because if you make twelve you risk getting grounds in the coffee and that just ruins it for everybody like Herpes did in 1978.

While you stand in the break room with gloves still on watching the coffee drip-drip-drip, acknowledge your co-workers with light conversation regarding how fucking cold it is, the duration of the week left before Friday and whether you did or did not bring a lunch AKA "What's in the bag?"

When asked about the bag, reply "Oh, that's my lunch. I almost forgot about it." While the person is still watching, take two Diet Cokes out of it and place them in the door of the refrigerator and place the bag in the garbage. Exit the room immediately and log in to your laptop and start work for the day.

By following this routine repeatedly, co-workers will fear you and expect your manifesto within twelve months. If within said twelve months, you decide to distribute your manifesto via the company e-mail, send this:

My 2007 Manifesto By Hugh Voltage

1 lb. lean Ground Beef

Salt and Pepper to taste

Hot Sauce

1 large Red Onion chopped

1 can (16 0z.) Refried Beans

1 can (4 oz.) Green Chiles chopped

2 cups Cheddar Cheese shredded

1 cup Monterey Jack Cheese shredded

1 lb. Mission® Tortilla Triangles Chips

1 large Red or Green Bell Pepper chopped

1 cup Sour Cream

1 cup ripe Black Olives pitted

3/4 cup Taco Sauce

Recipe Instructions:

1. Cook ground beef until brown, drain fat and season to taste. Add 2 to 3 drops of hot sauce and onion. Spread beans in a large 9"x13" rectangular oven-proof dish and top with cooked meat. Sprinkle with green chiles, both cheeses and taco sauce. Bake for 20 to 25 minutes in a 400 degree F oven.
2. Remove from oven and garnish with black olives, sour cream and bell pepper. Serve with Mission® Tortilla Triangles around the edges of the dish.

Do not actually make this recipe. It's awful. If you do make it for the pure thrill of following instructions with a semi-predictable outcome, half the cheese portion.

The Burning Smell Lets You Know That The Condom Is Working

Being a single and safe individual, contraception and prophylaction are of interest. This, however, is not. It is the spray-on condom. Thank you Gizmodo via Digg. As a bonus, here is the page translated.

So, let's see "Soon there is no more reason to rather make it without." That's good because now I rather make it without, currently. Next, "The new condom comes from the spray can and adapts to each member optimally." So, it's like Weight-watchers where they customize a member's weight enhancement program because they are just a curvy BBW right now and don't really need to lose the weight because they are fine just the way they are, but why not just try and even look better. Is there an acronym for BBMs? Apparently not, unless it is a supergroup with 2/3 of Cream in it.

Here's more from the translated site: "The advantages of the spray condom are obvious: it is easily and fast applicable, adapts to each Penisgrösse and form individually and offers apart from stretcher comfort, optimal protection with the sexual intercourse." So, first penisgrosse is so true, they are just not good looking. A penis kind of looks like a turkey neck. Dude, stretcher comfort sounds awesome. Hammock comfort would probably be a step above that, but I'd take stretcher comfort.

And here is the best part: "Still condom testers are looked for, which already gained experience in handling condoms. Prospective customers can announce themselves on this web page anonymous."

Spray rubber on your penis in the name of science? I could think of worse things to do with a penis. One thing would be to rub it on a toilet seat. That's how you pick up STDs.